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Complete Harry Potter and the Dark Passenger by Sarcasm Dragon - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by A2i9, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. A2i9

    A2i9 Muggle

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    Title: Harry Potter and the Dark Passenger
    Author: Sarcasm Dragon
    Rating: T
    Genre: Horror/Fantasy
    Status: Complete
    Library Category: Dark Arts
    Pairings: Harry/Cho
    Summary: When he witnessed the murder of his parents, the darkness got in him. Dumbledore took him in, taught him the best he could, and when it was clear the darkness was in too early, Albus taught Harry how to hide it, and how to get away with killing. AU based heavily on Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Update: New sections in chapter 5.

    Link: FanFiction.Net

    Has a Dark!Harry raised by Dumbledore, and though it starts off a little weak, I thought it was a nice read.

    It shows the horcrux having quite an effect on Harry, making him detached and with an inclination to kill. Dumbledore is portrayed quite well, and I liked a few of the ideas in the fic; and I personally enjoyed the writing style.

    One thing that bothered me was the author's use of D-D-D; a few uses of repeated puns or whatever you call it, doesn't really fit in and sounds stupid.

    Overall, I say it's a 3,5/5.
     
  2. TMD

    TMD High Inquisitor DLP Supporter

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    This is genuinely shit. Forcing the story of Dexter into the Harry Potter is one thing, doing it bluntly in ways that make no sense is another. Dumbledore teaching Harry to be a killer, really?
     
  3. GrimofDeath

    GrimofDeath Squib

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    WTF?

    The author is shameless with the Dexter!Harry in the story. It's terrible. 1.5/5, rounded up to a 2.
     
  4. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Stories like this really illustrate to me how different a lot of people's tastes are when it comes to fanfiction.

    I love good Harry/Cho stories (and those are very few and far between), but this wasn't one of them for me. It feels like it's written by a 14-year-old kid that's considerably smarter than everyone around him, and is trying his hardest to show it.

    2/5, for the attempt.
     
  5. Conquistador

    Conquistador High Inquisitor

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    All this is, is a dexter!harry. Also...the greater good man (Dumbledore) teaching his golden boy how to kill. Really...

    1/5.

    (Wins the award for the worst story I have seen put up for review.)
     
  6. A2i9

    A2i9 Muggle

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    I'm not really familiar with Dexter, maybe that's why I found it good. It's only mentioned in the summary, as "based on", and not mentioned as a crossover. I could see why it'd be so bad if it's a blatant rip-off.
     
  7. CrackedMind

    CrackedMind Headmaster

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    Momo, you've only been around for a short while- trust me, there have been far worse than this. I think I remember Ruskbyte writing a story very similar to this like ten years ago, but I couldnt find it when I searched for it on ffn. Whoever wrote it was definitely on here for awhile.

    But yeah, not a fantastic story by any stretch of the imagination but not completely awful. At least technically, I mean. 2/5
     
  8. R. Daneel Olivaw

    R. Daneel Olivaw Groundskeeper

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    Just noticed this was getting reviewed on here, so thought I'd come over and say my piece, being the author and all.

    So, as it says in the description, this is an AU heavily based on the Dexter books. If the complaint is that it copies Dexter as source material...that's what it's supposed to be. Things like the frequent use of alliteration (especially the use of the triple 'D' motif) are to emulate the Jeff Lindsay novels.

    Basically, I noted that Dexter and Harry shared a remarkably similar origin: Their mothers were murdered in front of them which left them emotionally scarred and thought this would be a fun idea to explore.

    Yes, Dumbledore differs from HP canon in that Dumbledore would never aid a serial killer in evading getting caught. In this story, Dumbledore is a direct analog to Dexter's adopted father, Harry Morgan, who did exactly that. Hence the Alternate Universe label.

    So, why didn't I label it a Crossover? Because typically in crossovers a character from one universe crosses over to another--at least in terms of plot. In this one, though, it's Harry Potter, but he's just affected by his mother's murder the same way Dexter Morgan was. Except...magic.

    I'm not bothered by negative reviews from here, but I thought I ought to point out that I'm getting rated poorly by some reviewers for it being what it is meant to be.

    Carry on.
     
  9. Donimo

    Donimo High Inquisitor

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    Just because you meant to do something doesn't mean it was a good choice. The premise of this story is a good one. Harry being fucking up by his origin, and being a Dexter-like character could be great.
     
  10. Henry Persico

    Henry Persico Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Man, I'm going to be honest with you, I couldn't finish the first chapter. The idea is sound, the AU has some attraction, but your grammar is not good. Your sentences are a bit strange, and you repeat words a lot in the same paragraph. Bump the WBA thread again, you need all the help DLP can give.

    G'luck.
     
  11. R. Daneel Olivaw

    R. Daneel Olivaw Groundskeeper

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    Could you point out an ungrammatical sentence?

    If you dislike the style, I can't argue with that. Style is subjective. However, there aren't many syntax errors (if there are any at all) in the first chapter.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2017
  12. endsley_17

    endsley_17 Squib

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    Dark Passenger

    Not really an original story. The mechanics of the writing are good, though. The way you write first person shows that you write, ie the dialog and the story flow are good but you need to find a fresh take that is believable. (2.5/5)
     
  13. irrelevance

    irrelevance First Year

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    In the second paragraph:

    Ethier get rid of "silently" or "within my mind". More errors follow. They add up and always ruin the flow.

    In general your prose is slightly clunky. It doesn't flow that well. It's not bad by Fanfiction standards but it isn't good ethier.

    Style is somewhat subjective but not entirely so.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
  14. Henry Persico

    Henry Persico Groundskeeper DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, sorry for the delay.


    Here are some examples of the first chapter:


    That's just the first chapter, I didn't read more. As I said before, the idea is good, you have to polish it.

    Cheers.
     
  15. R. Daneel Olivaw

    R. Daneel Olivaw Groundskeeper

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    Those are all examples of issues of style, not grammar, which to me is an important distinction. I do miss the occasional error, but I do find and fix most of them by the time a story is published. As I said, I don't think there are any ungrammatical sentences.

    The issues with the style, particularly the repeated nouns, are a different matter. Important, but not as serious as bad grammar.

    As I said, I won't argue this point. I'll just point out that in the first couple pages of Philosopher's Stone you'll find that Rowling also repeats a few nouns 3 or more times in consecutive sentences when she could have used pronouns, too. That said, I do catch myself repeating words or phrases too close together at times, and the instances you pointed to could be reworked using pronouns or metonymy, so I will bear your criticism in mind.

    I appreciate the feedback.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
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