Title: Harry Potter and the Magic Unleashed
Author: Sooner90
Rating: T
Genre: Action/Adventure
DLP Category: AU
Pairing: None
Chapters: 15
Words: 61,334
Updated: February 15, 2010
Published: July 26, 2009
Status: Abandoned
Summary: Harry Potter is rescued from Godric's Hollow by the family elf. He is raised in seclusion, with only the elf and a surly painting for company. Join Harry as he learns to control his magic and deals with life in the greater world.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5249207/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Magic_Unleashed

Greetings! I'm a new member but have been ghosting the site for a long while, stealing all your best rec's. Finally, I've posted my own fanfic and am looking for some feedback. I hope your enjoy and if not, I hope you contract some sort of crotch-related, fungal infection

Cheers,
Sooner90


Checked by Minion, January 6, 2013

 

Welcome aboard. It would be advisable to post an introduction thread before the locals ambush you.

For intense scrutiny and feedback, post chapters to the work by author board and allow us to pick them apart before uploading the finals to a site.

 

I think the story can be reasonably recommended without having to go through the WBA first. There's 50,000 words already written and the writing is quite polished.

The House Elf's masters were the Potters. They let their House Elf cultivate that attitude toward Muggles?

Something that struck me as unbelievable (or conveniently sidestepped) was how Harry spent his childhood not even curious about socializing with other kids. He's basically just content with a grammar-impaired House Elf and a painting who speaks in that Victorian style.

Then there's Sirius Black being able to duel and defeat Aurors after years of imprisonment in Azkaban.

3/5 for the lack of plot. Basically the major plot element driving what you have written is freeing Sirius - and that just doesn't feel like it's worth 50,000. It has one dosage of plot above those worthless 'slice of life' mangas.

Not a bad AU though.

 

Pretty much what Andromalius said ^.

Your writing is good, but the lack of conflict or any plot for that matter, results in a rather boring read.
I'd guess that once you're done with the setup for your AU, with the main characters included, you'll start the "real story" but until then you will do much better if you keep short on the unnecessary details of the day-to-day interaction between the main characters.

Personal pet peeve of mine is the usage of the "magical core" rubbish, but that is not so hard to overlook.

3/5 and I should say that I'll be following to see where you'll take this, but I do hope I won't see, yet another, rewrite of "HP & the Philosopher's stone" featuring Harry struggling with his "unique" skill and the effing golden trio formed in any house.

 

The writing is ok, but it really is slow paced and right now it wasn't able to capture my attention. But that might be due to the fact that my stomach is full and I need an afternoon nap.

...

I recommend Genshiken. It has way more plot than i.e. Bleach or D.Gray Man or worthless *** like that.

 

Made me lol.
I half expected it to transform into a tank yelling.. AUTOBOTS FORWARD!

Also a herd of unicorns is called a blessing.

So far house elfs can conjure, banish, not to mention apparate on top of a wolf in full sprint.
Now the only thing missing is Transfiguration.
I seriously think that conjuration for a house elf isn't right. Also, I doubt a wizard can apparate that precisely as the house elf just did.

 

I never understand fics that have Harry grow up without human interaction. Who does he learn his patterns of behaviour from? Observation is a massive influence on a childs behaviour and with only a painting and an elf it seems like Harry will be nothing more than a feral kid

 

Thanks for the input. I’ll address the points you made. I recognize that there is very little plot at this point. So far, this has all been setup. Generally, I don’t like AU’s that assert a totally different Harry with no explanation of how he got to be that way. This will be a very different Harry to canon. Since initially his magic will be largely emotionally triggered, I needed to show the context of his social interactions and upbringing. I want him to be a contradiction; a rogue with a heart of gold. There will likely be a little more as I bring Sirius into the mix. From there, I intend to skip ahead to his Hogwarts years. I primarily want to explore the possibilities of artificing as Harry deals with his almost squib status when it comes to conventional magic use.

As for the unicorn’s role, I also feel that it is almost cringe-worthy. I certainly don’t want to devolve into “Unicorn powers, Activate!” This is primarily a plot device to create a reliance on artificing and to allow Harry to lose his cool and whip a little ass, as required. I also needed to mitigate the werewolf’s influence. Harry wouldn’t be Harry if he didn’t feel the need to protect the innocent which is obviously well beyond a werewolf’s nature. Plus, the conflict between his emotional states should provide amusing fodder.

As for the powers of house elves, canon is particularly unhelpful in this regard. I struggled with whether or not House Elves could conjure items from thin air. In the end, I decided that the conjuration of household items would not be beyond their ability, while things like patroni obviously would be. Also, like most magical beings, I believe that great need could heighten their powers. Banishing, summoning and some charms are supported by canon, or at least hinted at.

 

Yeah, that's a contrivance I didn't want to nitpick. There's no way that Harry could develop normal speech patterns without socialization with a painting and House Elf. Even if he read newspaper articles, he's not necessarily going to adopt that style of speech.

 

Yeah, Harry’s speech is probably more normal than it should be, but I would hardly call it typical. Charlus himself, is not Victorian in speech, although he has shades of it. Charlus died somewhere in the early to mid 1970’s. He was probably born a century or more before. Being primarily exposed to Charlus and Tippy might result in some bastard pidgin speech, but I hardly think Charlus would have tolerated it. Anyway, that’s how I justify it Plus, who the hell wants to read Victorian speech? That’s why I’ve never managed to get past chapter 3 in any Dickens novel, untutored pol that I am. If I rewrite at some point, maybe I’ll make sure Tippy procures a wireless set…

 

Aside from the Lily misspelling and a few other small errors I thoroughly enjoyed this fic. Continue, if you please.

 

Thanks Darje! I've taken the criticisms to heart and after i finish the newest chapter, I'll probably fix some of the errors and flaws. Anyway, be sure to rate it, especially if its high!

 

I meant NEW chapters, because the OP mentioned wanting feedback. That kind of thing is done here, last I checked, and it didn't matter how many words a story was. The Denarian series is how many words now?

I guess there's feedback and then there are reviews. It goes without saying that any given author probably wants reviews. If they want more detailed feedback... well, that's something different and I assumed that's what was meant here (despite the danger of making assumptions).

And nowhere did I mention anything about whether it should or shouldn't have been recommended.

Just to be clear.

 

I found it okay, really. It's like a throwaway story for me, I can read it and gain some minor enjoyment, but it's not "good".

Plot: Kind of silly, really. Baby Harry raised by a House Elf and a damned portrait. He also has some crazy magic gift, but he can't use normal magic.
2.5

Characterization: EH. Not great. At least Harry isn't completely Super!Harry. That's good, at least. But the rest isn't horrible, just not that great.
2.0

Originality: Barely. Not really. The only really original part is that Harry actually has a magical handicap.
2.0

Entertainment: Eh... if you have some time to kill, sure. But don't go out of your way to read it.
2.5

Technical: Okay - noticed a lot of typos, spelling and grammar. I've heard the Lily one mentioned already.
2.5

Potential: Minor. I can see it going to a middle of the road place - unlikely to be much better that that.
3.5

COULD I EVEN FINISH IT?
Yeah, sure

Chapter & Word Count/Review Ratio: 13 chapters, 52,407 words, 78 reviews or
6 reviews per chapter / 671 words per review => Very reasonable

Rating (average + handicaps): 2.5

Andro's Sliding Scale of Fanfic Reviews Says:


A bit toward the high end of 2, but it's not great - just okay.

-J

 

Meh. I guess that qualifies for a mild crotch infection. Not sure how you can be completely original in ff universe. Everything's been done before to some extent. Nevertheless, I thought it was passing original. I've avoided the worst of the cliche's and I think the major characters are pretty well developed. My question is if this story were beta'd, would that elevate it to something more worthy of the library? What do you think, dear readers?

 

betaing always improves the quality. Particularly if you also use those beta(s) to bounce ideas off of. It's what I do, and I think my work has improved a lot for it.

 

Absolutely.

 

Maybe someone on DLP could recommend a good beta?

 

Well, the way I got mine was to post it in WbA. People might take a liking to it and offer to beta for you.