Already I am skeptical. I have never read a single story where a three way relationship has ever worked without devolving into pure fantasy masturbation.

First sentence is confusing. Who is him? Should have used Harry instead because otherwise the reader is left wondering. In fact, I'd cut it out entirely and start with the second line "Harry went into the chamber expecting death; he came out of it with a father." Much stronger opening. Your first line is essentially meaningless dribble that's meant to build up the second but ends up taking away from it's impact.

The next line "Granted he was dead" is okay, by which I mean it's painfully average but still passable. (Also, better than - not better then)

But then we get to "He also gets a new place to call home" and already I'm ready to just call it quits and write this story off if I wasn't so aware that while 99% of fanfic writers are shit, 99.999999% are shit at summaries. This line is so fucking horrible and the last one isn't much better. boy-who-just-can't-die...really? Maximum cringe right here.

I'd offer a way to fix it, but frankly I can't be fucked right now and this isn't the WBA, it's the Review Board. On to the story.

That's a horrible way to open your story. It's far, far too wordy to be the snappy beginning you seemed to want. Take, in comparison, how the Dark Tower begins:

Simple, concise and evocative. Yours is nothing of the sort and already I'm afraid this fic will go the way of many stories and die a purple death. Seriously, using glimmering emerald orbs, then The owner of said orbs, then Messy black hair and (again) emerald eyes? followed by more messy hair than the scar. Could you be any more generic if you tried.

Are. You. Shitting. Me.

I could go on doing a line by line breakdown, but it's easier for me to just say your entire opening scene is total garbage. It fails to have any subtlety to it, kills a lot of mystery (does Harry survive? well duh, he lives at least 5-6 years because you just FUCKING TOLD US HE DID), is entirely generic ("Oh," he sighed sighingly in a wistful manner, "I miss my friends", he said, becoming even more wistful as he shoved it down the reader's throat how fucking long it's been since he got to Westeros. In a wistful way, obviously. Now, it all began way back when...I killed a snake. Let's not forget I'm the heir to a historically famous magical person now, my life is so hard. Just like my dick. Which is why I need two girls apparently.)

Rest of Chapter 1 is generic flashback scene showing us what happening instead of revealing it slowly throughout the story. Poorly handled. Would have been better to just start without telling us and have that be one mystery that drags the reader forward. The only redeemable thing about it is that it's so short because that was a waste of time.

BTW, bolding Chamber of Secrets and Monster of Slytherin was for what exactly? It might be a stylistic choice, but it's a horrible one in my opinion. What exactly does it add.

As for why Chapter 1 is bad, if you still haven't gotten it by now, it's because fanfiction readers will already know this shit. HP isn't some generic fandom where you have to assume some readers might be unaware - it is THE fandom. Recapping with some minor changes and throwing in some cringe lines from Salazar in italics and with squiggly lines (which is stupid by the way. Just use normal dialogue lines "like this", Salazar said) does not help readability.

Chapter 2:

Harrison Slytherin. Yeah, I'm done.

Skimming through the rest of the story shows no sign of improvement, even on a technical level as you keep using your stupid ~FATHER etc~ Dialogue. From what I can briefly gather, the plot also progresses forward like the speed of a crashing bullet train. You spend an entire chapter telling us about some pact between Slytherin and HP, but don't even tell us Harry's first reaction to Westeros, or even how he got there. Normally, I'm a huge fan of the "don't explain how crossovers happen, just let it roll", but you already put that question in our head by showing Harry in the chamber (i.e. the Potter world), so now you have to answer it.

Then there's some bullshit about swordfighting despite Harry being what appears to be a canonical HP wizard, which basically means there's literally nothing in Westeros that can threaten him. Even the White Walkers would be a fucking joke. The dragons might be dangerous, but he can apparate so not even then.

And by Chapter 4 we go from Harry casually butchering Dothraki to fighting for Elia Martell. Without even explaining this sudden shift in Harry's demeanor or why he'd just start killing people. I'm sure you justify it to yourself through some twisted logic of "Oh Salazar talks him into it" or some bullshit like that, but that's just the thing. WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT HAPPEN SO WE DON'T BUY IT.

TLDR: Painful to read in the extreme. You could not pay me enough to do it again. Trash fic with no redeeming qualities and would be better being thrown away and starting from scratch then trying to salvage this train wreck of jumbled thoughts, scenes and ideas that some people apparently think stories are.

Negative Infinity / 5.

 

You have enough to post there now.

Your story is going to need work. Halt put light on some of the most glaring things.

 

You should be able to now.