Now this I like. As I said before, we don't know the plot so we are really not in a position to comment on technical points. We can only give our reaction to the chapter and discussion of trends based on previous chapters.

Somethings I forgot to mention in the last post - I also liked the fact that you didn't overtly bash Sakura and Ino while describing their decidedly pathetic fight. Naruto, while admitting that they were poor ninja still gave them a bit of credit for determination. And you managed to pull off Sasuke's fight very well too...talking about the disappointment shown by the Suna team (and Naruto's teammates as well) but keeping the knowledge of Sasuke's difficulty/handicap hovering in the background by having everything told as Naruto experienced it. Good stuff.

 

I think I have an idea of what the author is doing, and I think it revolves around throwing out a 'powerhouse' Ame ninja to the public that can match what Hanzou could do so that the other nations don't try to make any moves on Ame when they realize that Hanzou is dead. And this is what this is all about, isn't it? The fact that Hanzou is dead and Ame wishing to break the news in a way which paints them in a good light, right?

There also seems to be some neat little hints regarding an earlier gift and the nickname Naruto is now using for himself that would make all the nations shit themselves in fear of even thinking about angering Ame if it does prove to be the case.

 

Yellow... = Remake of the Fourth nick?

Sweet!

 

The quick update I promised is now available.

I'm interested to hear what people think of this chapter. It has a lot less of the posturing that I think people didn't like in previous chapters.

Now that's behind us for the most part.

 

I was not expecting Naruto to reveal his identity, not that it is a bad thing but you caught me flatfooted.

The reveal and the story about wanted to be away from Ame makes the previous chapters much more understandable. Had Naruto's story just been helping under Hanzo's orders, the amount of help and advice he gave to the Konoha genin would keep him under a cloud of suspicion. He has more mobility in doing whatever it is he is there for.

I am satisfied.

 

I still don't get why Naruto went had a conniption fit over Shikamaru and his team ... I mean he doesn't know Shikamaru so why should he give a shit?

The rest of the chapter was great and satisfied me. Though, you definitely have to make Naruto violate Sakura's purity sometime in the near future

I'm curious whether Naruto will end up betraying Konoha like a cold bastard or if he will grow attached to them enough he'll be torn when it comes time to return to Pain.

 

This chapter feels weird to me. The later parts feel and flow better, but the beginning quarter feels off. It just kind of feels like Naruto threw in the towel and came up with a sob story to give to the Hokage and Jiraya about Hanzo and they just took it.

It comes off like they welcomed Naruto back far too easily, considering everything that happened.

It just doesn't feel....subtle.

The rest worked quite well, especially the Ino-Shika-Cho critique. They are all weak links. The truth hurts, but there it is.

Good chapter, but the beginning feels weak.

 

Awesomeness. The first snippet of a conversation really helped to set everything into perspective, so that was nice. The rest of it was pretty much ordinary I think, nothing too groundbreaking in style, but the fact that Naruto told the Hokage he's planning to defect is pretty interesting. The perversion was funny as long as you don't take it too far. The betting on Yellow was a nice additional detail that I think made everything a little more human. Not sure if that's foreshadowing something else, but very nice job regardless. Loved the fast update. 4/5 for this chapter.

 

If this chapter succeeded in throwing you for a loop, then I'm satisfied.

I'd like to think that some people expected a heated confrontation between Sarutobi and Naruto, and clearly that's not what it turned out to be.

Surprise!

Also, I hope that most of you picked up on the fact that Kakuzu's partner was not Hidan.

 

I wasn't looking for a shouting match between Naruto and Sarutobi. But as I said before, Naruto's reintroduction into Hidden Leaf did not feel subtle. The conversation has all sorts of 'wah-wah' vibes, in a way. Naruto wanted to skip out from Hanzou because Hanzou was using him as a tool, a point and shoot weapon.

Now I know the whole story is bullshit, but it didn't feel like it was explained enough. Naruto has been up to some mischief for a number of years. He has been away from Hidden Leaf and in unknown enemy hands for a number of years. The Kyuubi's seal has been tampered with. Naruto has attained great skill, jounin level at least. The list goes on and on.

It's just I feel that the Naruto/Sarutobi part could do with some rewriting and expansion, considering all that has happened storywise in the last eight years plot-time.

There also needs to be more done with the Naruto/Jiraya parts. Again, a shouting match is not needed, but more needs to be in there. The reunion of Naruto and Sarutobi and the meeting of Jiraya and Naruto don't have the weight you would expect, considering all that has happened.

The rest of the chapter is fine, but I feel a disservice is being done by not giving these two character parts the impact they should have.

I'd be happy to look over the chapter and PM you an outline of specific talking points relating to the characters. More needs to be in there on these two parts.

And also, you keep putting the word 'heal' when you should be writing 'heel'. You've done that in a few chapters and it bugs me. But that's because I'm a whore for grammar.

Beyond that, good chapter, but you need more on these points I talked about above.

 

My feedback will be short on substance but strong on sentiment.

I thoroughly enjoy this story. Even if Yugito never gets awesomely integrated here, I'm simply enjoying the ride. Keep up the great work and I'll keep up enjoying reading this story.

That said...who is Kazuka's partner? Despite the description, I can't place who it is...

 

When I read your AN's, I got a mental image of...whoever the fuck your avatar is, holding Naruto and whispering 'My precious.' over and over again.

 

As Dethklok said, I just don't understand the first part of this chapter.
Sarutobi and Jiraya used to be/are legendary ninjas. They are old. They have been in a lot of complicated situations.
They should be able to spot a lie on a 13 year old kid. No matter how good Naruto is trained, telling a lie that big and getting away with it... doesn't seem to fit.

 

The idea is though that Naruto is a really 'superb ninja', regardless of the point your making that he shouldn't get away with it, his training demands that he must

 

I'm not sure what you guys read, but Jiraiya pretty much outright stated that he doesn't trust Naruto. Just because they avoided a big blowout and seem cozy to him doesn't mean they aren't also keeping an eye on him. I think it's a fair deduction that they are and they are confident of their ability to do so. You just didn't see any scene about it, which I think is possibly a good idea. If and when Naruto overreaches, Jiraiya and Sarutobi will catch him or try to catch him presuming that Howdy has something like that planned. In order for that interplay to have greater value, he can't start revealing all of his characters' designs upfront.

And SmileOfTheKill, I'm not sure Naruto told a lie at all, maybe a few half truths. Sarutobi thinks his "master" is Hanzou, Yellow just never corrected him. The knowledge Naruto has regarding so many people (i.e. Kakashi from last chapter, his own past, Jiraiya's sealing techniques, even Naruto revealing he has Hanzou's CONTRACT!!!) all but support Sarutobi's guess that Hanzou is - who has that gigantic archive on famous nin - still in charge. This is a very nice instance of Konoha knowing something's up but looking right when Naruto went left.

Yes, I know giving Howdy some credit which I wouldn't normally do to fanfic authors but I think he deserves it. I don't think he likes to handhold every little thing, which is admirable. Adding a little of outside thought isn't a bad thing even when you're wrong... especially when you're wrong. That's what makes reading higher grade stories so much fun. (I.e. take my own deductions, I have to wonder if missed something or does Howdy has a trump card that would topple everything)

 

Hm...

As far as who Kakuzu's partner is... we just don't know. He's the dead fodder guy that appears in chapter 238 and has the line "Itachi... your brother..."

Kakuzu kills him over the time skip.

As far as you thinking that there's something missing - I can easily see where you're coming from.

I'm still reluctant to change it though, since I don't see Sarutobi or Jiraiya acting any differently. Legendary ninja they may be, but it's not hard to see how their better judgment can be clouded in this instance since they've been trying so desperately to retrieve Naruto all this time.

Remember that Jiraiya's information tells him that his former students in Rain Country are dead, and that neither he nor Sarutobi has any reason to believe that Hanzou isn't in power. After all, it would take the backing of the entire Rain village to perpetrate the ruse that Naruto is using here. He showed up and was registered with the Rain delegation, after all.

Finally, remember Sarutobi's conversation with Danzou when Naruto first arrived. He's been expecting Naruto to reappear, and the fact that he does so under the guise of having been taken by Hanzou - one of Sarutobi's greatest enemies - doesn't do anything to set off alarm bells in the Hokage's mind. It's what he expected.

Their acceptance of him was quick, but I want to point out a few things. First, they're seeing Naruto as he portrays himself, and that's as a rather unwilling tool of Hanzou. Again, that's how they'd expect Hanzou to treat Naruto with him under his thumb.

Second, Naruto has done absolutely nothing to make Sarutobi or Jiraiya think that he means ill or that he's being anything but sincere. He's had his seal meddled with, which in their minds is a rather foolhardy and dangerous thing. They don't know that it was done with fulll knowledge of what the consequences were by one of the greatest seal masters of modern times - who just happens to specialize in jinchuuriki.

Third, Naruto is acting decidedly un-Hanzou-like. This is an excellent thing in the minds of the Konoha higher-ups. Since all evidence points to Hanzou raising him in Ame, this only goes to show that Naruto is, in a sense, incorruptible - even by a guy like Hanzou.

Basically Naruto has given them the best possible outcome of Danzou's worst possible scenario.

One last thing. Sarutobi and Jiraiya have an imminent invasion to deal with along with the knowledge that Akatsuki is working in the background. Even if they suspected Naruto of playing them, they'd still probably want to keep him close not only because he's Minato's son and Konoha's jinchuuriki, but so that they can foil Akatsuki. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Sarutobi and the council would force Naruto to stay in Konoha if he had seemed adamant about returning to Ame. They've certainly done some unsavory things in the past to keep the village safe, and this would be just another one of those things.

The fact that Naruto spun a believable tale and seemed eager to join up, where he could have a careful eye kept on him, simply gives Sarutobi less things to worry about over time.



Now that I've said all that, I'd like to know if you people think I really need to rewrite the chapter because it doesn't make sense or if you just aren't satisfied with it because you would have written it differently.

I thought it made a good deal of sense since this resolution made all of the characters happy, but I suppose it can be changed if necessary.

 

Howdy...

It's just that the Sarutobi/Naruto and Jiraiya/Naruto parts come off as way too easy considering that this should feel like a tense reunion.

Not tense in the sense of anger and screaming, but Naruto has undoubtedly changed in the years since he's been away. Even if Naruto is only showing them a face to fool them, more needs to be said.

For example, a better reason in my mind for Naruto wanting to defect from Hanzou, he could talk about how to Hanzou, he represents a trophy over the Yellow Flash and over Konoha. Hanzou only turned away from battle once in his life, and that was against Minato Namikaze.

Naruto could talk about how it was clear to him early on that Naruto represented the ultimate victory over Minato and Konoha, that he could take Minato's son from him and Konoha's future and twist it in his image.

Take for example the discussion/lecture Naruto has with Team 10 later on in the chapter. Asuma chastises Naruto for not keeping to the 'teamwork first' ideals that Konoha strives for. Naruto is in the right on this however, as individual achievement and excellence translates into team excellence, something only Asuma seems to understand. Hanzou was all about glory and personal achievement and his reputation as a tough son of a bitch. Naruto talking about individual achievement and effort is a partial reflection to this, and could be seen by Konoha shinobi as reflective of Hanzou's ideals, which are correct in some instances. There is no I in Team, but every member of the team needs to be at their best or the team is doomed to failure.

Do you understand what I'm saying? Naruto saying he wants to defect because Hanzou uses him as a tool isn't enough. All ninja, all warriors, are tools of their masters in some way. This does not mean they have to give up their free will or individuality, but they are bound to serve their particular masters. How their masters treat them reflects on how well the ninja will serve as a deadly extension of their Kage's will.

You even have Naruto reflecting on this in Chapter 5 when he is going to see Gaara. He thinks on how he is a part of Pain and Konan's family, but is also a powerful weapon in their arsenal. All ninja have masters, but if you like your master, then it does not feel like slavery and is not a hardship.

Having Naruto wanting to leave Hanzou's service because Hanzou sees and treats him as a trophy, a symbol of his victory and corruption of Minato's only legacy sounds and feels much more devious and in line with the sort of vindictive bastard you portray Hanzou as.

This also relates to the fact that the Kyuubi's seal was tampered with. Going with Naruto's cover story, Hanzou had it unblocked so his new jinchuuriki would use the Kyuubi's power earlier. This had the side effect of altering Naruto's appearance into something more feral. This plays back to the idea of corruption and change that should be there.

In reality, Pain and Konan corrupted Naruto to their cause. Konan offered Naruto a chance at a better life and a real chance to become an excellent shinobi and instead of a mediocre one like he would have in Konoha. Pain offered him knowledge and was a positive masculine force and fount of wisdom for Naruto. All they asked from Naruto for all this was his loyalty and his assistance in their goals.

This is corruption. This is warping. This is Naruto Uzumaki at an oblique angle. This is an idea that needs to further be explored as time goes on, until the jig is up and it's revealed that Naruto was never on Konoha's side. That would make the betrayal worse, because Sarutobi and Jiraiya failed to look underneath the underneath because of who Naruto was, not what he might have represented.

I urge you to seriously think about this.

 

Dethklok:

I see where you're coming from - that I could have made this more captivating by having Naruto spin a yarn that had everyone riveted to their seats and Sarutobi thinking hard about what it all meant.

I could expound upon it later in the story as you mentioned, drawing parallels and further enriching the story.

However, I kept it short and Naruto's explanations vague.

There's a reason for that - one that maybe you've forgotten.

My Naruto has a horrible, ingrained aversion to lying. About anything, really. He's content to let Sarutobi draw conclusions about Hanzou and his past, but he never actually comes out and confirms any of Sarutobi's suspicions outright, unless they're true.

In the end, your way might be better. The Naruto I've written wouldn't do what your suggesting, however.

 

No offense to Deathklok, but I liked the chapter as it was. It spoke a lot to me of Naruto's character, and the difference in him and 'normal' ninja behaivor. He kept his lies fairly simple, and the told people what they wanted to hear. They won't grill him on it, likely, and if they do he only has a few lies to keep track of. If he spun this long tail about Hanzou and Ame, it'd be far harder to keep track of all his allies.

Well played, in my opinion.

 

^This

I actually liked the new chapter very much and it kept in line with the idea I have of the Naruto Howdy has created. He's not being honest, true but there aren't any magnificent all encompassing lies, hes simply reinforcing a thought they had already had. That seems much more ninja to me, why make up five miles of bullshit that can be picked apart easily when all you have to do is confirm something they already believe and not just that but something they want to believe. In my opinion the way Howdy had Naruto do it is the best, If he had Naruto sit there and weave them some elaborate tale I think Jiraiya and Sarutobi would have seen through it or at the least been much more suspiscious.