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Abandoned Immortal by Lutris Argutiae - T~M

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Lutris, Oct 14, 2006.

  1. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Constructive criticism doesn't have to be positive: it just has to be actually of some use to the author. None of the things you said would be of use as they have no founding in the fic itself.

    You said that you thought the characterisation was poor, and yet when you expanded on the point your reasons for this were nothing to do with characterisation.

    You said that the fic is bad because you didn't like many of the characters, but again this is not helpful as disliking characters is a mark of good writing.

    Do you see where I'm going with this? If you want to see how real constructive criticism works, go look at some of IP's posts.
     
  2. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

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    Yeah, okay, end of story?

    Enough whining like a little bitch, Ill. Reply to Taure with something a little better then 'sucking the authors dick' or dont bother. PM eachother if you want to continue.

    Okay, now...

    Not always the case. That only works when the author intends for people to hate the character. If they intend for us to like them, then they fail.

    Personally, I found no fault with Dumbledore in this. He caved a little easy when Harry asked about why Voldemort went after him, so I guess thats one thing I can pick at. He could have put up more of a fight, but I understand why he decided to show Harry. Its possible that in canon, if Harry argued he was old enough at this point, then maybe Dumbledore would have thought about it.

    I loved Tom Riddle. Canon does show he likes to talk and rant, something Taure pointed out, and with the fourth movies little Voldemort-bipolar-dance scene in the graveyard, I really cant get the slightly loopy/sadistic prick Voldemort out of my head. Of course, I seem to like insane characters more than others, whether they are sadistic like Bellatrix or just plan strange like Luna, so that might not mean much too anyone else.

    And thats me...

    Edit: Oh, and personally, I dont think Ill should have been nepreg'ed because he held a different opinion. For whining afterwards, however...

    But yeah, if you had a problem with it, you should have went to an Admin/Mod. Woulda been better than this...
     
  3. Dwitty

    Dwitty Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    Right .. anyway.
    The fic seemed good to me. The characters acted believably. But the author also managed to gain a sufficient deviation from canon at the same time.
    The language was a little simplistic for me, at least at the beginning anyway. But that’s only a minor quibble.
    So 3/5 then.
     
  4. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

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    I just know im gonna get it for this but. IllusiveOne do you ever say anything good about ANY fic? I cant say I have seen a post where you did.

    But enough of that.

    I like this fic its one of the few good ones that have been posted lately(I complained about it I know). Your characters are pretty much in line with cannon. I like your Tom. THATS how Tom is supposed to be(im going about the magical ability part here). Tom is powerful, brillant, and above all very very talented and knows how to direct that Talent. Inner voices in Harry's head. I like that part as well. The only real complaint I have except the spelling and gammer that others have mentioned is that Dumbledore really didnt want to tell Harry the prophecy at the end of OotP and hes telling him at the end of CoS?

    4/5
     
  5. the-caitiff

    the-caitiff Death Eater

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    I think it's too early for a real rating, but I like what I see. Currently you are sitting on a high 4/5 but the potential for a perfect 5/5 is there.
     
  6. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    I generally do give reviews with more negative comments then positive, but I figure most authors would apperciate critique more then random praise. I simply comment on what I didn't like, it's my opinion, not anyone elses, I don't really think it's that big of a deal, certainly not serious enough to get negative repped multiple times for, not that I really care, though. Anyway, sorry for flooding the thread Lutris.
     
  7. doc_gerbil

    doc_gerbil Sixth Year

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    yeah, i mean TheIllusiveones little stint on the dick response was kinda uneccesary but they can criticize the story for w.e they want IMO. doesnt mean its intelligent or useful criticism but thats their choice.
     
  8. Darius

    Darius 13/m/box

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    Looks like you beat me to it. But if I am looking at a story thread and Illusive says it's good I read it.
     
  9. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Lutris, d'you have any idea when an update should come about?
     
  10. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    Well, I'm at the 2500 word mark now. So... prob reach 4000 words tomorrow. Then assuming I finish on Saturday, turn back time will be the same day within an hour if I'm lucky, so Saturday evening at the earliest.

    Japan time.
     
  11. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    Chapter One uploaded.

    And as per my agreement with Fuegodfuerza, I hereby certify that in no shape or form, that he is plagiarising my work on 'Immortal' in his story, 'In the Chamber', and that our stories shall sufficiently deviate after the first chapter.


    Okay... you guys are either going to hate this chapter or like it- it's practically filler, is what it is.

    But, it sets up the stage for the Weasleys' stance on Harry's actions in the future, and also Hermione's.

    If Harry's character seems to bounce back and forth between murderous rage to polite, kind little boy, then rest assured, that's intentional.

    Well, I hope to hear more constructive criticism. Positive comments or negative comments are welcome; just don't diss the other reviewers (that's you Illusive) if they don't agree with you. It's not polite or in any way appealing to the other users of the board.
     
  12. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    Well, I liked this chapter, but a bit unrealistic, that the first house after Dursleys had magical people there.
     
  13. Myst

    Myst Headmaster

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    I would have to agree with Palvar about that. What are the odds of that? Really, that was a pure Deus ex Machina right there :p

    All in all though that was a solid chapter. I gave a more detailed review on ff.net

    4.5/5 stars

    -Myst
     
  14. Fuegodefuerza

    Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

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    Good characterization, first off. I loved Harry's split personalities; they were very well done. Stan Shunpike, also, was entertaining to read about.

    Secondly, the letter is very interesting. So, Harry is part magical creature, yet he is still 100% a Potter? Very intruiging. Lily is still the mother, right?

    Anyways, good chapter overall, not really great though, but I'm not quite sure what could have been done better. Keep it up and update soon!
     
  15. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    oh... sorry if it was unclear. The Dursleys pulled out of the freeway at the closest place they could. (I have it on good authority that the London freeway can take hours to navigate, so a half hour on it isn't that far) The place they stopped to let Harry out had a neighborhood, which had the old couple living there. It was a random neighborhood, not remotely close to Privet Drive. I'm sorry that it was a bit... Deus ex machina; I tried to avoid that.

    Yeah... I could have written it better. I'll go back and edit it when I have the time.
     
  16. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Ok, I honestly didn't like this chapter very much.

    First part was the most problematic. I just couldn't swallow this characterization, both of Harry and the Weasleys. And while Harry is more or less explainable by that imperious order, Hermione and Weasleys in particular were just way too OOC for my taste; Hermione for not recognizing Harry's mental angusih and not at least trying to help him and the Weasleys for announcing a blood feud against a 12 YEAR OLD BOY for supposedly killing their daughter (even though both them and Ron know very well why he had ventured into the Chamber). Even worse, both them and Hermione take the word of RON FUCKING WEASLEY over the headmaster's, whom they all adore and respect above anyone else. Should they listen 12 year old hothead or Dumbledore? Hmm...

    Second part wasn't much more believeable either. I couldn't imagine a scrawny 12 year old nerdy-looking Harry manhandling his 50+ kilos heavier bully of a cousin and making Vernon stutter in fear. Same as in the train scene, you forget that Harry is still just a tiny pre-teen at this point. Only in OOTP did he hit a growth sprout.

    Then, after leaving the car, he just stumbles upon a wizarding family... for which the chance was something like 1 in 1000... (EDIT: yeah, now I see others complained about that as well...)

    Going to the Godric Hollow was a good idea. And the information from the letter was fairly interesting, although I wasn't sure why would James try to forcefully change Harry's magic type (you don't go to doctor if you have A positive and you wanted B...).

    But what made no sense in this scene was the placement of the letter; what the hell was it doing there? If James & Lily made it in case of an emergency, wouldn't it have made more sense if they sent it to Gringotts, or a post office or given coppies of it to their various friends? How could it have survived the destruction of the house, anyway? If Dumbledore had left it there, then the question is, why he hadn't given it to Harry personally? Or oppened it earlier and learned about the power blocks.

    And another thing. If the Potters placed power blocks on their child AND made preparations in case of their deaths, wouldn't they make sure the blocks get removed before Harry started Hogwarts? Leaving only clue about them in a letter that Harry couldn't possibly find before he's 17 doesn't make much sense at all...
     
  17. ChuckDaTruck

    ChuckDaTruck Overlord

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    Lutris, I'm sorry, but I HATED this chapter.

    THe Weasley's and Hermione were WAY too OOC for me to believe it. And, frankly, I couldn't see them reacting the way they did.
     
  18. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Okay. It was a good chapter overall, but there were a few problems that were trifling.

    Firstly, the Harry/Hermione scene. Why didn't he make even the slightest attempt to tell her his side? If he had only said 'Fawkes healed me' then she would have quit her yapping and understood.

    Second, Hermione's personality. Hermione is relatively intelligent, not so susceptible to the opinions of others. To have her, quite literally, go batshit at him in the compartment seemed way off. A degree of understanding would be more appropriate, IMO.

    Third: Ron. I can see him going batshit, too. That's entirely plausible. But he would do something about it, he's rash. He'd have publicly tried to duel Harry, or would have gotten into a fist fight with him.

    Fourth: the Weasleys. Okay, I like the 'divorce' of sorts through magic, that was interesting. I'm not gonna get into theory, but it seems odd that magic recognizes Weasleys as a family, and makes the decision of the head forcibly apply to all of them. And I didn't really like the fact that it forcibly changed Harry's emotions, that seems a little arcane and dark, not to mention pointless in terms of adding in extra conflict a few chapters down the line.

    My main bone of contention with the Weasleys was that they, for lack of a better word, were gullible. The Weasley family, as we've seen in canon, has a huge affiliation with Dumbledore. They wouldn't ahve discarded the option of consulting him, and I find it odd that they (presumably they've chatted with the Headmaster about the fact that their child died) didn't go into the nitty-gritty of what happened down there, and just went with blind hatred into attacking Harry verbally and magically.

    Lastly, Dumbledore: why didn't he stand up for his prophecy-child? He was bound to know that there would be a degree of hate...why wouldn't he, at the very least, tell the ex-members of the OotP that Harry wasn't dark, that he didn't kill Ginny? The characterization of Dumbledore being apathetic to Harry's problems so soon after telling him the Prophecy seems off.

    Then there were small matters...like the chances of finding a Wizarding family on the first try. The fact that Dumbledore went through the effort of cleaning up and rebuiding Godric's Hollow to the T. The fact that the letter was left in the house, but was undamaged even though the rest of the house was destroyed. The fact that Harry is a type of being that no one knows about...I mean it's genetically impossible for him to suddenly have some odd magical genes, so if there's a magical explanation, the theory would have to be extremely sound.

    I'm going to keep reading, but if I was in your place...honestly, I'd rewrite the last chapter just for the sake of getting the characterization right.
     
  19. Lutris

    Lutris Jarl Dovahkiin DLP Supporter

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    Yeah... I'm planning to do that. I honestly wasn't sure if I did the chapter that well, and the sheer amount and severity of negative reviews proves that. So.

    Yeah... rewriting it. I thought of a better way to present what I wanted to present as well, after I had uploaded the chapter. Sorry folks.
     
  20. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw DLP Overlord Admin

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    I have to agree with the above, and add my comments on the magic types. It's just...ehh, seems like useless filler. More mystery when it's really not a necessary element which will end up bogging down the story more. If this magic type has never been seen before, wouldn't Madam Pomphrey's test reveal this? He's magically exhausted himself as it is before, I'd think she'd test his type for the record. If it's anything like a blood type, she'd want to know this as to not harm him with the wrong potion, etc.

    This also opens up it's own can of worms. What does the magic type do? What makes it different? Blood types have certain characteristics. But a magic type would open tons of questions. I recommend scrapping it in your final draft.

    The letter...should be their last words. Not something filled with useless information. Only the most important information and their words of love (as corny as that sounds) I think would be in their final letter to their son.

    Finally, the Harry/Hermione scene. She's smarter than that as said above...but also when he snaps. I don't see him lashing out like that and strangling her as hard as he can, as much as I like it. Harry is more level-headed than that.