So I had two really bad ideas for fanfics, and since there's no way in hell I will ever write them myself, I thought I might throw them out there for some unlucky sod to use for their own nefarious purposes.

Challenge #1: Harvey Pinker and the Alchemist's Rock

Normally Harry Potter is raised as a wizard in a world filled with unaware Muggles, where all magic is hidden from those silly Muggles. But WHAT IF instead the world was filled with mostly wizards, but the Muggles are the ones who are hiding their advanced technology (cell phones, hamburgers, and the like) from those unknowing wizards and witches. In this world, a young orphaned Harvey Pinker discovers that unlike his adopted family of wizards (which he never quite fit into), he is... a Muggle!

This idea came about when I thought of Hagrid saying: "Yer a Muggle, Harry!" It seemed funny to me at the time, and I even wrote a terrible bit of it:

Snodgrass Pinklefliks and his lovely wife Emeldine lived together on the perfectly ridiculous street of Gambles 'n Buttons, and that was just how they liked it. Their neighbors were all wizards and witches (none of that dreaful "normal" business), and they all resided in the magical village of Flooz, a lovely community just off the southern coast of England. Emeldine had just given birth to thier first child, a boy with the reasonable name of Poodley. His proud parents were quite proud, and they just knew Poodley would grow up to be a fine, upstanding wizard.

Snodgrass was coming home early over the next few weeks, so he could spend more time with his loving family. But one day when young Poodley was only five months old, something strange happened. Snodgrass had decided to take a walk during his lunch break, enjoying the fresh air and bright sun of the spring day, when he heard the oddest sound. It was a kind of beeping, but very tinny, like a mouse was trying hum loudly. He whirled to look for the source of the sound when saw a VERY oddly dressed man (wearing no robes at all, merely a shirt and pants!) talking to himself, while holding what appeared to be some noisy device next to his ear.

"Can you believe it, Bartram?" The man practically yelled. "The-One-Who-Is is no more! We've won!"

Snodgrass frowned disapprovingly; some people had no manners.

It was at this point (after about 5 minutes of writing) I realized that the whole thing was a Simply Terrible Idea, and I ceased writing it completely. It was only much later that I considered an actually good (relatively speaking) alternative: what if Harry (our Harry, that is) found himself on this backwards, insane world? How the hell would he cope?​

Challenge #2: Harriet Potter, the "Girl" Who Lived

This was another stupid idea I had after reading about 600 awful stories (and perhaps three good or okay ones) where either "Harry" was secretly a girl, ACTUALLY a girl, or an AU where "she" was a girl all the time.

That gave me a Simply Terrible idea: instead of this silliness where Harry is pretending to be a girl, or girl!Harry is doing the opposite, WHAT IF Harry is a boy (and always has been), but EVERYONE thinks he is a girl (and here is the twist) and actually TREATS him like one.

An example of awful text:
Harry looked with a shocked expression at Hagrid. "You mean... I'm a wizard too?"

Hagrid smiled proudly. "Indeed, 'Arriet! Yer a witch just like yer mum and dad, like mother like daughter, right?"

Harry frowned and looked confused. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? And my name is HARRY, not Harriet."

Hagrid started to laugh. "Yer just like your mum, with red hair and everything. Cute as a button, yeh are!"

Harry turned slowly to look at the broken mirror on the wall and touched his black messy hair. His mouth opened, then closed again. He turned to Uncle Vernon, who seemed stuck between insane fury and intense longing (to get rid of Harry, naturally).

"Well, 'girl'." Vernon growled and pushed Harry forward. "You had better get going with your new hideous friend."

Dudley looked extremely confused and turned to Petunia to ask a question, but she shushed him preemptively.

"But Mum," Dudley whined. "Why is Dad calling Harry a girl?"

"Be quiet Dudley." Petunia hissed. "I'll explain to you later after 'Harriet' is gone."

Not getting it at all, a frustrated Dudley pushed Harry forcefully, as this was really the only thing he could think of to do.

"Here now!" Hagrid growled angrily. "That's no way to treat a lady!"

Harry grimaced. This was clearly going to be a long night.

And that's just getting started. Imagine Ginny with hero-worship for the Girl-Who-Lived, Ron with an incredibly disturbing crush on "Harriet", Harry's utter failure to get a date (unless he manages to stumble across a lesbian), Draco being even creepier than usual, and to Harry's truly utter luck, getting put in the girl's dorm with possible "bi-curious" gals Parvati and Lavendar. Maybe a bit of Hermione not "Honestly" seeing the big deal about the Girl-Who-Lived, Slughorn saying "she" is "just like your dear mother", Sirius being quite over-protective about boys (after all, he knows they only want one thing), and Harry eventually deciding to just give up and go on with the whole damn thing.​

So there you have it. Two Simply Terrible ideas for Challenges - just in case anyone is foolish enough to actually try, let me know, because I know I can hardly wait for this one scene:

Harry walked out of the bathroom rubbing his head, a headache still lingering from yet another stressful day. Dealing with his third year at Hogwarts was not easy when everyone still considered him a girl, despite nearly three straight years of him constantly correcting people. He sighed and walked over to his bed - and then his jaw dropped in shock.

Parvati and Lavendar leapt apart, bright red with embarassment.

"Um, Harriet, I thought you were still in the shower," Parvati said with a smile.

"We're not lesbians," Lavendar added. "I mean, yes, we were snogging a bit, but we were just practicing is all! Honest!"

"You won't tell anyone, will you Harriet?" Parvati asked Harry worriedly.

Harry sighed. "I don't care if you two snog, really. I have nothing against lesbians. I mean, in a manner of speaking, I'm kind of one myself." Harry stopped speaking, as he had not meant to say this last part at all.

Parvati and Lavendar no longer looked embarrased and shared a look.

"In that case, Harriet," Lavender said with a sly look. "Maybe you'd like to 'practice' a bit too?"

Harry grinned widely. Being a girl just got a whole lot more interesting.​

Thanks again,
-J

 

Lulz, that last one is great humor material. I might give it a go if I can stick with it >_>. Not sure if I'd be good at humor or not.

Hope you don't mind me 'borrowing' some of the stuff you already have there Jeram. >_> The scene is stuck in my head now.

If I do get any headway with this I'll post it in the next few days.

 

These 'terrible' ideas of yours surely gave me a good chuckle. Unfortunately, I don't see how they can be developed much further from the parts you've already posted. Maybe collections of short omakes? Hmm, I think that form just might work...

 

Some of the funnier parody ideas I've seen in a while, but I agree with ip82 that there really isn't enough substance for an entire fic without completely ruining the novelty.

 

Nice ideas for short fics, but they would putter, futter, then die as longer ones.

 

Both of these are fucking excellent. The two most original challenges I've ever seen. +rep, nice work.

 

Hmm, a "collection of short omakes", eh? I hadn't thought of that - it's actually a pretty good idea! The main problem I had with these two ideas is worrying about all the boring "middle pars" between the funny scenes, but the series of short scenes seems like a good idea.

Oh, and Stalicon, if you want to write for one of the challenges, please be my guest! You may use anything I wrote or came up with, as long as you give me credit for those things.

-J