I like the story so far in general. The only problem i have with the story is your writing. It justs seems sooo... fake. Alot of sentences seem very run on. Also with almost all dialog it seems slightly stupid. If you were to play this out verbally with people in real life it would give the feeling of wierd, run onish, and the way he says some things justs doesnt seem like how a person would talk.

I cant exactly describe in words what the prolem is, but it is there! If you fixed it i think the story would be immensly better.

 

the fic

i think this fic is really good i like the style a lot and ive always prefered fics where is superpowered and completely evil so it all works out for me but what I was wondering is when your going to have Eddie and Harry fight and how long will it take for Harry to butcher his brother?

 

Demon, your stories leave me feeling like a masochist. I know that they're going to play out badly (not because the concepts are bad-- no, it's probably a language barrier issue) but I keep reading.

That being said, at least you're semi-consistent.

 

as a small note, i would like to give everybody a sneak preview as to what the next chapter is about:

Harry looked side wards at his fathers face and currently was in the thought process of wanting to bash his father’s face in with a blunt object. A man should stay true to one woman once he was married to her and not openly lust after a girl who was about 20 years younger then he. These thoughts made him feel so angry at his father that the visions of bashing his father’s head in with a blunt object began to twist and turn into a vision of him shoving a very pointy sword straight into James his abdominal area and then twisting it while his father screamed in pain as the entrails were literally moved by the sword twisting. The next scene that came thorough his mind was that James was lying on his back, a sword sticking out of the area where he had been impaled....

this is merely a bit from the chapter....

i hope you like it...

 

Can I edit a couple of chapters for you?

 

This fic is completely WTF. DGoC doesn't bother to present the backstory, so we have these stupid character dynamics without any idea of how they came to be.

In the first chapter, the POV changes to a guy named Schwarz without warning, the setting is confusing as hell - it's like a tavern straight out of the medieval ages. At first I thought that the characters were in the Diablo world, which would explain it, but it turns out to be Knockturn Alley.

That's dialogue in this story.

And that's the narrative of this story.

The first post in the thread cited Child of Darkness, Lord of the Void by Whatever Star as the inspiration, and I can see the similarities painfully clearly. Both are completely nonsensical with a hard-on for hardcoreness.

1/5. The premise is not interesting, the Harry/Lily fails hard, and the writing style is a wreck, as cazten noted above. Everything is totally fucked.

 

Answers?

Yes or No.

That pretty much sums up the fic.

1/5