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Abandoned Lust of a Dark Soul by Vash The Unholy - NC17

Discussion in 'Restricted Section' started by Antivash, Sep 6, 2005.

  1. IndoGhost

    IndoGhost Dark Lord

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    Whatcha mean? The story or the latest update?
     
  2. Lord Osiris

    Lord Osiris Auror

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    ARGH< oh my god, oh my God! you got a new chapter out! Wooo *grabs paper bag and starts breathing into it* i think i might actually have to reset my comp so i can see that it's not just an illusion. Anyway i agree with Linked you my friend are one twisted individual. Good update none the less!
     
  3. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    *stares blankly*... after al the reviews ive gotten and the reactions i give thme, this is your best? ... i KNOW its sick.. i KNOW its twisted... but despite that i enjoy writing it... so ill take that as the compliment that it is...

    now rather than being [edited]... lets be specific and list your complaints or if you enjoyed it why you did... or just bugger off...
     
  4. LINKed up

    LINKed up Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    I meant the whole story, or what I read of it. I really can't stomach those things when I'm not in the right mood. I barely got into the first chapter before I stopped.
     
  5. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    o_O...



    <_< weakling
     
  6. LINKed up

    LINKed up Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    shut up. Its just that somethings I can't read before I go to bed. I like sleep.

    Edit: I've been sucked in. Just got to the fourth hunt. While sick, twisted, and otherwise just wrong, it is still a very good piece of work.
     
  7. LT2000

    LT2000 Alchemist

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    ...Yeah, nice update, but Harry being bested by bloody Luna Lovegood doesn't do it for me. Not a huge complaint, but I prefer my Harry to be more or less untouchable. Him losing to common swine (read: anybody not named Dumbledore or Riddle) is just bleh to me.
     
  8. Lord Osiris

    Lord Osiris Auror

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    I was curious about the whole Loony incedent as well, sure she could jump around and avoid the curse's but she's a fucking fruit loop! Is Harry gonna come back and finish her off? in a extreamly gruesome and entirely savoury manor (for us)? please!
     
  9. Mrriddler

    Mrriddler High Inquisitor

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    OoOoo, I was searching the dark arts section for half a minute when I realized this story was moved. Hehehe.

    Like everyone said, awesome update. I liked the content, though Harry's 'retreat' caught me a bit off. Otherwise, it's nice to see some good old badass Harry.
     
  10. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Just a way to show that everyone is mortal and all... He got angry and careless and luna took advantage of it. He wont repeat the mistake. Lovegood will play her part.. and possibly suffer a gory nasty end
     
  11. Giovanni

    Giovanni God of Scotch

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    It was a bit short, but I liked it.

    Except for sacrificing Giovanna... Not cool dude... Not cool at all :(

    Although you got her characterization right.
     
  12. Aura

    Aura Seventh Year

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    Good to know someone out there can still best Harry. It's sometimes a bit boring when he's the biggest and baddest mutha in the world. Good thing Luna opened him a can full of whoop-ass... A bit reminiscent of Harry and Voldy. Voldy underestimating him, harry whooping his ass etc..

    A question though, was Giovanni your inspiration for Giovanna? :wink:
     
  13. Piccaboo!

    Piccaboo! Second Year

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    *chuckles*
    The similarities of name hadn't even crossed my mind once. But now that you mention it,, WIE sacrifice Giovanni - a - *caugh* :wink:

    Anyway,, back to business...
    I found Loony to be a bit too clearheaded but otherwise it was good. I sort of have this 'feeling',, yeah a feeling....
    *ehem* wwi? oh yeah..(Impretion of big bat with huge glasses living in north tower) this 'feeling' that The one to be sacrifised for the thingy in the mirror will be our dear Luna instead of Gio...

    Well tata :mid4
     
  14. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    as a matter of fact he WAS,,, cookie for you!
     
  15. Israfel

    Israfel First Year

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    Meh, the chapter was okay, I don't really like the thought that Harry is just reporting to some bigger badder power and that his power was given to him by some ancient evil or whatever. I personally could have done without it.

    Also while most of your chapters have been somewhere between 2,500-3,000 words, which, although I prefer chapters to be around 5,000 words per chapter, I can handle, this was a pitiful 1,778 words and had mostly sub-plot it seemed and while this would be alright and probably add a bit to the story in a chapter that was larger with more of the main plot added in but in a stand alone chapter this just didin't feel like a full chapter, seemed more like something you'd post as a preview of the next chapter in the boards.

    Also the scene with Luna I personally thought could have gone better, I don't mind that Harry was forced to retreat because I love Luna and I think it's good to be reminded every so often that you're not infallible but I would have liked to seen a bit more effort on both of their parts with Harry getting cocky and Luna cracking off a shot at him then forcing him to retreat, basically I thought the fight scene should have either had more effort put into it or avoided entirely.

    This segways into the second path I thought this scene could have taken which would be to avoid the fight entirely by either A. having Luna join him (but you no doubt have a purpose for her not joining him so I don't really expect you to change that) or just have them avoid the fight by Harry not threatening to kill her (which would probably go against Harry's established character though, but you could always give him a specific reason for not killing her, some plans for her perchance?).

    Ultimately I think you should continue the writing of the next chapter and integrate the two scenes in this one into it forming a larger, more cohesive, and ultimately much more satisfying chapter. Keep writing Vash, I love this story just wasn't very enamoured with this chapter, still, give it a little tune-up, and it'll be fine, just needs some elbow grease to get it up to snuff. Good luck. Oh and remember, you asked for truthful commentary about what we didn't like about this chapter so...here you go. (Hope I don't get flamed by all of Vash's rabid followers for this)
     
  16. ChuckDaTruck

    ChuckDaTruck Overlord

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    I agree about Harry having to answer to someone, IF that's the case. I don't know. Frankly, I've gotta re-read a lot of previous chapters.

    Anyway, I'm glad to see that you've updated!

    Ciao!!! :wink: :wink:
     
  17. LINKed up

    LINKed up Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Man, I thought that Harry was going insane because he just was, not because of a siren! While it had its goodness, I still didn't really like the getting of the powers from the evil being. :(
     
  18. Contempt

    Contempt Third Year

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    The way I see it is that Harry is making a proverbal 'deal with the devil' sort of thing. I don't think a person can just become powerful, but need to make sacrifices for that power, and this bowing to another power is evil, controlling Harry's sacrifice just so that he can control everyone else.
     
  19. Patrik f

    Patrik f Guest

    Gotta love this dark, sick and twisted Harry!!!

    Keep up the good work...
     
  20. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    The story is, unfortunately, until further noticed, canceled. When i finish a few of the other ideas i have, i may come back and re-write this, but for now its finite.

    Reason: It was never intended to be a novel length story, and therefore had absolutely no planning. Its nearly impossible for me to finish.