I really, really enjoyed this fic. The way Ginny was dealt with was refreshingly original compared to the usual fics I read where Harry hates her. I also like the Vatican idea and Torres was great!

Also, it's a tiny point but I like how you had him have to get a passport, so many people have Harry just apparating straight to like, America or something. It makes sense for him to have to go through the wizarding version of customs etc.

Now I just wish I could work out the title...lol

 

Good new chapter. I hope you keep up your fast updates.

 

Cervus++
Good work. Though Harry calling Dumbledore, Albus seemed a bit off.

To the people who start discussing things in fic review thread.
Make a new thread in discussions and get humiliated there, dont break the continuity of this thread.

That being said. /me goes off to mark another day off the calender waiting for the next update.

 

Excellent, Harry sure got his ass handed to him. I'm going to assume that this trainer will focus on Harry's physical training?

 

I finally couldn’t hold it any longer, so I read the first three chapters.

I don’t think there’s need to specially comment on your writing style, which had improved since your previous story, nor the perfect in-canon characterization and interesting plot. So instead, here are the faults I’ve managed to nitpick out:

- Dumbledore’s letter is slightly backtracking from the canon. First, during their lessons in HBP, Dumbledore had told Harry that there was no need to train him, since his strength wasn’t in spellwork, but in his heart... or some shit like that. Second, he always insisted that Ron and Hermione be included in everything Harry did, because they were his strength.

Normally, I wouldn’t mind such small canon infraction, but since you’ve already gone to all this trouble to stay in-canon, I thought I should mention it.

- I was pretty sure that the Order headquarters were removed from the Grimmauld Place at some point of HBP... but I’m not sure about that.

- This is my biggest objection - Harry showing a personal letter from his mentor to a full room of people who had no business reading it. Even worse, he showed them the entire list of the location he would visit during his travels... and not only to a few people, like Minerva or Mad Eye, but to total bozos when it comes to magic, like Molly Weasley. Voldemort only has to capture and interrogate one of them, and not only will Harry get a visit from an team of assassins, but Dumbledore’s friends from the list too!

Now I know you might say that canon!Harry fully trusts the Order, but that’s not exactly true; Remember the end of HBP? He refused to tell McGonagall anything about Horcruxes, figuring it was his and Dumbledore’s private business. I don’t see why would he change his mind now.

- The Ginny scene. I don’t understand why he dumped her. Does he not love her any more, or don’t want her to wait for him or what? His motivation seems a bit two-faced there - first he’s all like “we had our time, it’s time to end it” (indicating he got tired of her) and then he’s loving her more than ever. A more through description there wouldn’t hurt.

Aside from that, Harry is a bit of a cowardly pussy, maybe even more so than in canon, but I guess that’s a free choice in characterization.

All in all, a very nice start, even with a few problems. I’m eager to see Harry’s transformation, something we only glimpsed in your previous fic.
4/5

 

THe first one I can answer with JK's statement that "Just because a soul dies doesn't mean that the secret is revealed. The secrets locked within the soul" THis is according to JK and can be read in the rumors section of her site. I don't fully understand it, as it means the secret can NEVER be lifted, and no one else can learn its location because the Secret Keeper is dead, but...Eh, this isn't the worst error she's made.

I am much more concerned and agree with the second complaint. Harry's thoughts in the third chapter when he's getting his ass-kicked by Marques is valid. He's an idiot, and he's even stupider in your story than in canon (where he had the sense NOT to reveal all his plans. Here Harry reveals all. Before this chapter I assumed that Harry didn't show them the names, and only revealed the first letter (sans locations and names only instructions).

This is a MAJOR plot hole and oversight. If its so secretive, why did Harry so casually reveal it to everybody? Ron and Hermione I understand, but everyone else?

Major fuck-up and it knocks my review from a 5/5 to a 4.5/5

That said, I really Like it, anhd I hope you uipdate soon

 

Yes i must admit I dont like the revealing of the names and locations. Its stupid, its idiotic, and more importantly its retarded. I mean i wouldnt be suprised to find out theres a spy in the order. Snape knows the location and unless Snape is a good guy in this fic or incredible stupid he would spy on the meeting.

 

Have you forgotten about Moody? He can see through everything, the walls and Invisibility cloaks. So Snape would be stupid to try and spy on the meeting. So in my opinion it isn't much of a major plot hole. Still, I don't know if I reviewed this chapter, so just in case:

Brilliant chapter, and I loved the characterizations.

 

Well, I finally got around to reading this story. Ben busy, what can I say? (Not really, I'm just exceptionally lazy.) And from what I see, it is a pretty awsome story. The only part that I really didn't agree with was the minute Harry said "Dumbledore", Torres backed off, but I suppose that can't be helped.

But apart from that I really enjoyed what you came up with. Keep up the good work man.

 

Torres probably backed off not for some incredible respect for Dumbledore but because he helped train Dumbledore and probably hasn't been in contact with him for such along time wanted to see what the hell he wanted..

 

Im willing to bet that Voldemort can find a way for Snape to get around Moody.

 

The latest chapter was quite good even if harry was a bit of an idiot, like when he first arrived in Brazil so had he gotten a passport only moments before but the witch still needed to tell him to hand over his passport.

Marques Torres was great.

I dont like the ending of the chapter were Harry dont think dumbledore would send him to anyone dangerous, the entire point of his travels is to gain skill and become dangerous.

 

I just re-read this story. I don't mind that Harry has to get training, or as IP82 asserts, that Dumbledore wouldn't recommend it. This is going to be great, and is necessary for the story. THat's fine for me.

I just wanted to say I'm REALLY eager for t5his story to get under way (i.e. done with the exposition, and move on to the main stuff now.)

Other than Harry revealing all, this story is FANTASTIC (and relatively speaking that's a minor point. IN fact, you could have Marques ask him about it, and Harry can reveal he showed the entire order the first letter, and only revealed the second letter to ROn and Hermione.)

Anyway, I'm really pumped and I hope you update soon!

 

Chapter 4

Chapter 4 is up everybody!

On another note I ain't sure how long it's going to take me to get the next chapter up. I'm having a great deal of difficulty writing one scene of the next chapter. My muse seems to have taken an extended vacation. Shouldn't be too long though.

 

I very much enjoy Torres' character. He seems like the type of mentor that Harry would respond to--pushy, yet complimenting when something is done right. I also liked that Harry is being inspired (finally!) by something that Voldemort does. Great chapter overall.

I look forward to the change in Harry that we should notice from his tenure with Torres. The way that you write that will be the difference between very good and great in this story. Also, how different are Harry's various mentors going to be? I just thought that would be interesting to know...

Great job, keep it up and update soon.

 

The only problem i have is if harry uses apparation too much in a duel. What happens when there are anti-apparation wards up??

 

hahah, oh the bashing Harry got was classic.
I do think that before learning the Protego charm Harry would have had the sense to read its theory and realised that not all curses can be stopped by it, thats the only thing i found a bit strange in this chapter, oh well great chapter anyway!

 

I've read the new chapter, and great work on Harry's training. I can see how Torres is training him how to block the unnecessary stuff and focus on the duel instead. And it's nice to seee Voldemort's actions motivate Harry to train harder

Keep up the good work

 

I find your idea of apperating in a duel interesting. I have seen it a few times but never well done it is usually “Harry apperates behind the DE’s and says some cheesy line”

I my self have considered using this in my stories but I have several issue’s with it.
* Becomes void in places like Hogwarts (And maybe the ministry and Gringots and maybe the whole of Diagon ally. While it my knowledge it is never stated you can’t apperate in these places I think it is implied by the fact no one ever does bar DD and Voldy in there battle in the ministry but since it was at the entrance it may very well have been the only place in the building that you can apperate in)

* Becomes void if someone throws up and anti apparition ward. Now that can be over come by making them harder to put up than is usually implied in fanon which is “DE’s portkey in and within seconds one of them throws up and anti apparition ward” I always imagined Wards to be rather long and complicated things to erect even temporary ones should take an hour at least.

*If it is such an effective way of dueling why doesn’t why don’t others use it? I realize you said it was difficult to do in a duel because you had to stop and think for a moment to so it leaving you open to attack but surly high class wizards like DD voldy Mad-eye and Kingsley use it. Granted DD and Voldy did apperate a little in there duel and Mad-eye is past his prime (What with a wooden leg and all) but still I imagine we would have seen a bit of it.

Anyway I love your story and like the way you are keeping very canon like (always refreshing) hope you can update soon.