1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Hey DLP authors, there's a bit less than a month left to wow us with your story about Daphne or Azkaban.

    The Author applies the words to the paper or it gets the hose. Write or die! The more the merrier.

    Click here for more information!
    Dismiss Notice

WIP Sitra Ahra by Voice of the Nephilim - M

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Voice of the Nephilim, Jun 10, 2009.

  1. Voice of the Nephilim

    Voice of the Nephilim Death Eater DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2008
    Messages:
    977
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Title: Sitra Ahra
    Author: Voice of the Nephilim
    Rating: M
    Genre: Drama/Suspence
    DLP Category: The Alternates
    Pairing: None as of yet
    Chapters: 30 (ff.net)
    Chapters: 11 (PC)
    Words: 363,743 (ff.net)
    Words: 131,054 (PC)
    Updated: February 15, 2014
    Published: March 1, 2009
    Status: Work in Progress

    Summary: On Halloween, 1981, the Wizarding War ended with both Voldemort and Harry Potter vanishing. Ten years later, Harry shows up at a familiar Muggle orphanage, his past shrouded in mystery, bearing a resemblance to a young Tom Riddle. HBP compliant, no DH.
    Link: Sitra Ahra
    PC Link: Sitra Ahra

    After crossing the 45,000 word mark, I felt it had enough content to warrant an introduction into the "for review" section. I've been posting scenes in the "Work by Author" section, and shall continue to do so.

    Enjoy.



    Checked by Minion, March 04, 2014
    Thx to OllieK for the Info
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 5, 2014
  2. ParseltonguePhoenix

    ParseltonguePhoenix Unspeakable

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2007
    Messages:
    785
    Location:
    Alabama
    This has been refreshing to read. Totally different from things I've come across, while managing to keep the canon-feel of certain characters.

    I like the pacing, and the way certain things aren't shown to us chronologically. It adds a certain style and flair to the way we figure things out as readers, and that's generally a positive.

    I like that your Voldemort seems to have something of a plan (or at least did have something of a plan), and the way Dumbledore reacted after the 'interview' with Harry. And I'm definitely looking forward to seeing how Harry responds to the ordeal, and what the consequences will be for his trip to the vault, so to speak.

    The different approach, nice pacing, clear writing and a nice pace--plus the chance to see it evolve a little in the wba--earn this tale a 4/5 from me.
     
  3. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,442
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Seattle
    I like it quite a bit, just waiting for the next update. Like PtP pointed out, your Voldemort appears to actually have a brain.

    I am also curious to see if you introduce parsel magic by having Harry do it, either gaining the knowledge from the possession or from the scar.

    Keep it coming man, good stuff.
     
  4. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2007
    Messages:
    3,947
    Great story, VoN has one of the top writing styles on the site. The last chapter genuinely builds anticipation for when Harry regains consciousness. It's not like a cliffhanger, where you only want to read more because there isn't any more. I was looking forward to the moment Harry eventually awakes even before chapter four ended. 5/5.
     
  5. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,403
    Location:
    Poland
    Totally worth being in the library but I still feel as if it's posted too soon. Still, 4/5.
     
  6. darklordmike

    darklordmike Auror

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2009
    Messages:
    681
    Location:
    Where The Lemonade Is Made
    This is an excellent story.

    Although it's a little long, the fight scene between Voldemort and the Potters in the opening chapter is the best I've seen.

    Likewise, the death scene in chapter two--
    Tonks getting stabbed in the throat by the possessed Harry
    --is shocking and extremely well done. It comes out of nowhere, exactly as it should.

    The story does a really good job of building suspense and slowly unraveling the mysteries that are presented early on. And there's still plenty more to unravel (who Crowley is, Harry's childhood, etc.). All told, it's one of my favorite AU stories. Well worth the read.

    5/5
     
  7. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,069
    Location:
    The other side of reality
    I've been following your story since the beginning, and I also like your Voldemort (first Voldemort I've seen in a long time that genuinely gave me chills). And the possessed!Harry scene with Dumbledore was awesome, no questions asked. You write scene atmosphere excellently, and that scene in particular was definitely memorable. If you can write something like that, you've written a solid piece of literature in my books.

    I'm a little peeved that you killed a favourite character of mine, and I'm still not sure I like how you've written Amelia Bones, but by that point, I'm just nitpicking.

    However, I will say that there's a legit case to be made on the fact that this was posted a bit too early. Honestly, I think you might need a bit more before this makes the library. Right now, I'm gonna give you 4/5 and hold with that until I see a bit more.
     
  8. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    6,585
    Location:
    Mississippi
    First off, good story. I'll give it a preliminary 4/5.

    The dialogue is hard to wade through at times and I'm not sure why. I just find myself getting bored with a lot of the talking/thinking and skimming through parts to get to something more interesting. I'm not smart enough to tell you all what precisely is making the dialogue hard to get into, but for me something just isn't holding my attention. Maybe it's too long-winded, I don't know.

    Story itself is brilliantly crafted. Voldemort is damn well written as both evil and cunning. Occlumency and the Mental Arts are quite well done in this one. I felt that some of the suspense was artificial, irritating, and overused. Some of it was good. What little we saw of the actual Harry I liked a lot too -- he seems like he's pretty cool so far.

    I didn't start to get into the story until about halfway through chapter 3 when we finally start finding out a bit about Harry. It gets really good around then. Only problem is that right now there are only 4 chapters. I'd probably have waited for a few more updates before posting this.

    I'm eagerly awaiting updates to see where this goes. It's quite promising.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2009
  9. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2008
    Messages:
    301
    Location:
    Murias
    High Score:
    2,451
    4/5 - It's well written and compelling, kept me reading all the way through what you've got there. Definately worth a place in the library.

    Just to nitpick: 'He was in the heart of the county, so he felt very confident in crossing off the idea that Harry had walked from another country'

    In Bedfordshire, I'd be seriously impressed if Harry had managed to walk there from another country. It's well beyond the realms of impossibility, so I assume this is a typo?
     
  10. Osprey Trapper

    Osprey Trapper Second Year DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 19, 2009
    Messages:
    71
    Location:
    Australia
    Hiya,

    I reviewed on FFnet a few days ago, but I may as well write a bit more here.

    Perhaps the most interesting part about this story is how you manage to tie in real life scenarios and behavior into the story, and managed to do it so subtly. I think that you've done a great job in trying to draw the readers into a, believable, dark story.

    The thing I didn't like is the title/chapter names...The title is Arabic for something or other and hard to remember (for me at least), and the chapter names make it look like you're trying too hard. I mean, it's still a good story and all - but if in a month or two someone thinks to themselves "I wonder how that story is going" they might have the same problem and never find it again.

    Edit:

    I'm not exactly a god when it comes to spelling and grammar, but isn't suspence spelt 'suspense'? As far as I knew it only had one spelling.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2009
  11. Voice of the Nephilim

    Voice of the Nephilim Death Eater DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2008
    Messages:
    977
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Thanks for the kind words all.

    I don't really have any plans for Parsel magic. What Voldemort had done was just use an ancient runic set of Salazar's design, a Parseltongue one, to activate the runes. He could have done the same thing in many different languages, he just used Parseltongue since he know Dumbledore couldn't decipher it, which provided a slight tactical advantage.

    Sorry, Andromalius, but the next chapter is almost at beta stage, and I'm going to wrap up a few things before I get to Harry's awakening.

    KrzaQ, you're right about it being too early. I just wanted to bring it to more people's attention, to increase my feedback level, so I could improve the story.

    Thanks darklordmike, I've tried a maintain an atmosphere of constantly evolving mystery. Good to see it kinda works.

    Thanks, Silens Cursor. I've received some flak for Bones' portrayal, and after going back, I kinda agree. Her Howler to Dumbledore was especially putrid. I'll be changing that eventually.

    Thanks for the words, Cheddar.

    Thanks for the kind words, enembee. Yeah, that's a typo. I'm making a list of errors that I need to go back and change. It's starting to become depressingly long.

    Thanks Osprey. I really like FF.net reviews. I stand by my title. It may be hard to remember, but it is unique, and the "Sitra Ahra" will play a pivotal role in this story down the line.

    Ha, I didn't try very hard on the chapter names. They're song titles that correspond to the events within the given chapter, usually whatever I'm listening to at some point while writing.

    Ruins of the Genesis - Blut Aus Nord
    Disharmonic Convergence - Xasthur
    Malign Paradigm - Deathspell Omega
    Surth Lit the Earth - Svartsyn
    Blessed Curse - Funeral Mist (next chapter)

    New chapter has been posted.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2009
  12. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,643
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Read the first chapter; didn't like it.

    First of all, it's far too long. I ended up skimming over 2/3 of the chapter. The action was too long and much of the dialogue felt like filler. Moreover, Halloween 1981 opening chapters are always dull. Without fail.

    Unlike others, I didn't like the way Voldemort was written. Maybe it's the way the dialogue was done, but he felt flat. Monotone. His speech didn't feel like speech. Otherwise he felt pretty standard.

    From his first line, Pettrigrew's characterisation was off.
    It just doesn't sound like Peter Pettigrew. For a start he's not going to think of himself by the moniker "Wormtail"; secondly the swearing was unnecessary and out of place.

    Before reading I expected to be giving this a 3/5 with the comment "Nothing bad about it, but nothing especially good either". (Note from this that you might want to revise your summary to have a bit more hook - perhaps more information. Yes, telling us the plot isn't very literary, but this is fanfiction and people trawling through fics do not click on a fic that has a vague summary. Fanfic readers generally don't gamble - they plump for what they know they're going to like.)

    However, unfortunately I did find stuff I actively disliked, so I'm going to give it 2/5.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2009
  13. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    6,585
    Location:
    Mississippi
    Just read the most recent chapter. I'm sorry but for now I'm going to down my rating to a 3/5 until something changes. Everything I said before is still full in effect -- the dialogue is hard to wade through and I really just can't get into the story even if it is well crafted. In my opinion it does deserve at least a 3/5, but after 5 chapters I have only had a few sections hold my interest and every one of them starred Harry.

    It doesn't feel like a story about Harry. It is, of course, fine to have stories that aren't about Harry, but my problem here is that this story seems to think it is a story about Harry when really it's a story about a whole bunch of people and he's just one of the players.

    Harry and Voldemort are interesting -- I'd prefer to see most of the focus on them instead of on Dumbledore, Bones, Lucius, and whoever else. Cutting down the parts of the minor characters in the opening chapters would really help out I think. Just include all of the vital points they make in far shorter form and if you want to have a scene or two in there that is longer do it later in a flashback or something.

    Just my opinion though, and since a lot of people in this thread have really liked the story it's obviously not shared by everyone.

    Maybe things will change in later chapters, and if it does I'll up this back to a 4/5. I do intend to continue following it since it has an amazing amount of potential.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2009
  14. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2008
    Messages:
    666
    Location:
    I am getting there
    I can't read it anymore, it was good at the start but all this time hopping really pissed me off.
     
  15. Stalin's Pipe Organs

    Stalin's Pipe Organs Auror

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2009
    Messages:
    667
    I'm going to have to disagree with the people here. I find this story excellent. I enjoy the format. The time hopping and the way you describe the scenario around the key event (e.g. Voldemort returning) is really well done. In fact I find the way you write Voldemort to be brilliant. Pure egotistical evil, none of that JollySenseOfHumor Voldemort who seems to populate most other good stories.

    Hope you continue in the same fashion and update sooner.

    5/5
     
  16. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    Messages:
    6,068
    Gender:
    Male
    Basically, this. Also, I'm not a fan of James Potter being able to go toe-to-toe with Voldemort. It's just something I generally dislike.
     
  17. sincostan

    sincostan High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2008
    Messages:
    547
    Location:
    socal
    @Dark Syaoran: It's a tiny part of the story, so if you can get past that it'll be worth it.

    I like this story quite a bit, though I think the nonlinear progression in time sours my enjoyment of it. It's not like Ambient, which feels to me like poorly related (though good) scenes. These are simply out of order. 4/5.

    P.S. Actually Ambient is making a little more sense and flowing better, though I still think it's out there.
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2009
  18. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    Messages:
    6,068
    Gender:
    Male
    It isn't just that. It's all of what Taure said and I quoted from his post. If you can't get the first chapter right...
     
  19. Voice of the Nephilim

    Voice of the Nephilim Death Eater DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2008
    Messages:
    977
    Location:
    Hawaii
    I probably had about six people look at the prologue before I posted it. Half liked the prologue, half thought it was rather pointless, since it ended with both Potter parents dead, which is exactly what canon told us.

    So, I'm not surprised that some people don't like it. I thought it might be cool to start off the story with a prolonged action sequence, to start the story off with a bang. Maybe a little ambitious, since my writing is still developing, but at this point I'd rather work on new chapters than fix the beginning ones.

    Points about the story being not really Harry centric are well-taken. All future chapters, aside from the interlude chapters, will mostly be from Harry's POV. I might switch to another character's POV for a scene a chapter, but not more than that.

    I'll start taking a closer look at the conversations, see if cutting out some of the cursing will help. Looking back, it does seem rather awkward, at least in the context employed.

    Thanks for the feedback.
     
  20. DreamRed

    DreamRed Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2006
    Messages:
    224
    Location:
    UK
    I haven't read enough to judge yet, but I found the first chapter to be kind of stilted. The writing style, particularly during the action sequences, didn't do it for me. Ignoring the fact that I also dislike James being able to go toe to toe with Voldemort for so long, I thought I'd focus on the writing a bit.

    What struck me particularly was how long everything seemed to take - you describe every spell, the wand movement, and some heavy description of the effects. While in principal this is good, it puts the action sequences in slo-mo. The best advice I've ever read about action sequences was for the description of any particular action not to take much longer than the action itself. Both Voldemort and James are superior fighters in your story - their exchanges are going to be quick and deadly. For instance:

    "James replied with a silent Wingardium Leviosa, immediately followed by a banisher. The door exploded upon contact with the sickly green curse, the following banisher sending the shrapnel back at Voldemort in a rain of mahogany splinters."

    To me this just takes too long to say he banished a door, it got shattered, and he responded with speed to spray Voldemort with splinters. Do you really need the Wingardium Leviosa there? You could cut both the description of the banisher and wingardium leviosa by saying he sent the front door flying at him. Or by having him think the spells, instead of telling us they're silent, and that way we get more of the speed of the exchange. Also, we're regarding this largely through James' eyes here - the phrase 'rain of splinters' is a good touch, but is he really in a frame of mind to be noting their colour, let alone choosing 'mahogany' as the best word? I know it's not a first person narrative, but this still applies when a scene focuses on a particular character for any length of time.

    This is probably a personal choice, but I find less is more. The fewer words like 'mahogany' and 'sickly green' you use, then the more effective those left become. This is particularly important in action sequences because you don't have the same luxury you have when describing, say, a room. Action sequences have to be really tight, especially if they're as long as yours is. I was enjoying it at the start, but by the end it felt like I was wading through needless description to reach the good ideas underneath. Your spells and combat tactics are all sound, but there's too much padding on them. Lavish on the fallout of the spells, not the wand movements and spells themselves.

    I'm going to carry on reading and see where this goes - maybe it's just the first chapter.
     
Loading...