I like it. Very Humorous it is.

A short one, but a joke nonetheless...

Who makes more money, a crack dealer, or a Whore?

The answer:

A whore because she can wash her crack, and re-sell it.

 

John Wayne ride's into town, tie's up his horse and walk's into the saloon,
"Give me a shot of red eye" say's John

He down's it in one go and walk's outside to find his horse has been stolen so he walk's back into the saloon and shout's

"if my horse isn't returned after i have had another drink the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City. NOW give me another red eye"

He down's it in one go and goe's back outside to find his horse waiting he mount's up and was about to ride off when a cowboy come's up and say's

"what happened in Dodge City"

"i had to walk home" John said

 

The Bush Doctrine.

 

(Quite Literally the only joke I know. Sad,right?)

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.


“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.


“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”


“Why is that?” the first guy asks.


“Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”


“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.

“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”


“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.


“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.


He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20…30…40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.


“See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.


“Try it?! I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.


“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.


“Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.


“Well what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20…30…40… 50…60…70…80…90…100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.


After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

 

I apologize to blonds... Sorta...

What is worse then three brunettes trying to build a house under water?
Three blonds trying to burn it down.

eternity (e-ter-ni-ty) n four blond drivers and a four way stop.

I am kind of hoping that none of the mods or admins are blonds and that these jokes aren't too old.

One more here:

A Texas cowboy was overseeing his heard in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW races out of a cloud of dust towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing her and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Withing seconds , he receives and e-mail on palm pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses and MS-SQL database through and ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

 

Off the top of my head...

A man in a farming community is walking down his road one morning. He passes his neighbor sitting on his porch, with a small mountain of empty beer bottles around him and an open beer in his hand.

Concerned for his neighbor the man walks up and asks what happened. The man looks up groggily and replies "My wife left me this morning, and she took my kids... and my cow" he added as an afterthought.

The man nodded understanding his drunken state, he was very curious as to why though. "Any particular reason?" he asked.

His neighbor said "Well somethings you just can't explain..." the man was about to leave at that till he launched into a story.

"Well I got up early this morning to milk my cow before breakfast, like usual. So I'm in my barn milking her, and when I get a full bucket, I set it down and turn to leave. But that cow just kicks over the bucket with her leg." He says rather calmly, before turning to the man and repeating "Well somethings you just can't explain."

"So I get a piece of rope and tie her leg to the stall, then started milking her again. Well, when it was full that god damn cow knocked it over with her other leg!" He seemed riled up before he sank back it to his chair, repeating "Well some things you just can't explain."

"So I took the rest of the rope and tied her other leg to the stall before milking her again. When the bucket was finally full I set it up on the banister before I untied her legs. But you know that god damn fucking cow knocked the fucking bucket over with her tail!! But as it goes I was out of rope, so I took off my belt to tie down her tail."

"Right after that my pants fell down and before I could pull them up my wife walked in... well somethings you just can't explain"

 

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

 

Heh, I liked that one Seratin.

My one is:

Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide?


A. Because his gasbill came through.

 

Dude, see the intro section? Go there, start an intro and try not to get raped.

I lol'd at the hitler joke.

 

Lulz. Fucking lulz.

 

A man driving along an old dusty road, stops when he sees a farmer. He hops out and jogs up to the farmer and asks, "I'm a dog whisperer, could I talk to your dog for a second?"

The farmer is skeptical, but chooses to allow the man to talk to the dog.

The man lets out a short series of growls and barks, and to the farmers surprise the dog barks and whoofs back. The man than looks back up to the farmer and says, "The dog says that it is happy, but it could would work harder if every once in awhile it got a bone."

The farmer still shocked watches as the dog nods along as the man tells him this.

The man then asks the farmer if he can talk to the horse the farmer was riding on. The farmer responds with a simple, "Sure."

The man lets out few neighs and whinny's and the horse responds back. He turns to the farmer and says, "The horse would like an apple every now and then. He says he would work harder if that happened."

The farmer too stunned to say anythign just stares at the mysterious man.

The man looks over at the hill and asks the farmer, "Are those your sheep over there?"

To which the farmer immediately refuses and responds, "Oh them? No, they're a bunch of damned liars!"
---------------------------------------------------------------

About the only white joke I know.

Everyone knows this one, but what the hell.

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

-Becuase she was a woman.

 

What does a sadist say to a masochist?

Spoiler

No.

 

A religious Jew comes to a car dealership store and asks for a 'Jew car'. The seller says okay and shows him a 'Jew car'. The Jew asks the seller why it's a Jew car, and the seller says that to drive it you need to say "thank you God", and to break you say "please God." The Jew is very happy and buys the car. ​

​

One day, the Jew drives in a rocky road and he doesn't pay attention and comes dangerously close to a cliff. The Jew panics and says "please God, save me!" and the car stops. "Phew... Thank you God."​

​

​

 

I obviously don't know many jokes in English, and they'll probably be a bit crappy.


After explaining what stuttering was to her class, the teacher then asked the children if they had any examples of people stuttering. A young girl raised her hand and when called upon, she announced that the other day her cat stuttered.
The teacher calmly told her that animals don't stutter because they can't talk. The young girl insisted that it was true, her cat did stutter. Her teacher then curiously asked her to explain what she meant. The little girl told her teacher that she was in the garden playing with her cat when a big dog jumped over the fence. Her cat's back arched up and he started hissing going "fff...fff...fff..." but the dog ate him before he could say fuck.



Why does sperm look like tadpoles ?

Because frogs are too hard to swallow.




Just out of curiosity, how do you 'make' those "spoliers" ? Cheers.

 

It's under vB code. Which is all the way at the bottom left of the screen.

 

Spoiler

Message [/.spoiler]

Subtract the dot.

 

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was arggggggggggrrgrg!

 

Why do black people only have nightmares?

-Because the last black man to have a dream got shot.

Happy Belated Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

 

How come women can't get hit by cars?

-Streets don't go through kitchens.

How do you torture Helen Keller?

-Leave a plunger in the toilet.

Why did Helen Keller have to go to the hospital?

-She tried to read the cheese grater.

How do you get a baby into a bowl?
-Blender
How do you get a baby out of a bowl?
-Tostitos