A seal walked into a club.

 

What kinda pants does Mario wear?


Denim Denim Denim

(Say it out loud to yourself to get teh effect)

 

Whats the funniest thing about a pile of dead babies in a corner?

The live one in the middle eating its way out.

 

Jokes N Stuff: Here or there...

Italian Joke

Antonio came home from school one day and his granmother asked him what he learned. He said the teacher told them all about penises,vaginas and masturbation. The grandmother slapped him hard across the face and told him to go to his room. Antonio rushed upstairs crying.

After a few minutes the grandmother realised she had acted wrongly and went upstairs to apologise to Antonio.When she opened his room door he was lying on his bed masturbating. She told Antonio that when he had finished his homework she would like a word with him.

..............

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

.................

Punishment
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

.................

New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

Here's a couple jokes for you.

If France were to attack Turkey from behind, would Greece help?

Three guys were driving down the road, their names were: Shut Up, Trouble and Shit. Shit flies out the window, and Shut Up stops the car so Shut Up can go get'em. A cop comes by the car and asks his name. He says "Shut Up." The cop asks his name a couple more times before getting fed up, and asks "Are you looking for trouble?" Shut Up says "No, Trouble's back there picking up Shit!"

 

A man dies and goes to hell. The Devil, in a good mood, decided to let the man pick out his eternity. In the first room were a group of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

"Let me see the other rooms." The man said. The Devil took him to the second room, where the people were standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

"Lets check the other room." The man said. The Devil took him to the final room, where people were standing thigh high in shit drinking coffee.

"I choose this one." The man said, walking in. After a couple of minutes, the Devil Returned.

"All right everyone, coffee breaks over, back on your heads." He said.

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

Ok so this is one of my favorites, it's a traveling salesmen joke

There are these two salesmen and they are driving down the road at midnight in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down. They try to fix it but they give up quickly and start wandering down the road looking for a place they can stay for the night. They come across a huge farmhouse and they walk up and knock on the front door.

An old man answered the door and they said "Our car broke down about a mile down the road and we are looking for a place to stay, do you know of any?" He replied "Naw sonny there used to be a motel about a 5 miles south but it was closed down a couple of years ago." When they heard this the salesmen looked depressed but the farmer said "Tell you what boys, I'll let you stay here if you make me a promise." The salesmen looked at each other and quickly agreed "Sure, whatever you want" The farmer said "I want you two to promise me that you absolutely won't have sex with my daughters while you are here."

The salesmen agreed without hesitation but what they didn't know was that the farmers daughters were both gorgeous stacked blondes and that they had never met another man besides their father. Later on that night the daughters snuck into the guy's rooms and of course they fucked like rabbits.

The next morning both men woke up and went downstairs to find the farmer was already awake and sitting at the kitchen table. He looked at them and said " Before you boys leave why don't you go out to my garden and pick some of your favorite fruit and we'll have a good old breakfast." The guys saw nothing wrong with that and went out to the garden. The first guy came back fairly quick with a handful of blueberries but when he got in the house and closed the door the farmer shoved the barrel of his 12 gauge under his nose.

Understandably the man immediatley froze and asked what was going on. The farmer told him how he knew about the men screwing his daughters last night and how he was pissed that they had broken their word. He then told him "Both of you are going to be shoving the fruit you get out of my garden up your ass." The man paused and then started to laugh uncontrollably, the farmer was deeply confused and he told him "I'm not fuckin joking boy, you are going to shove those blueberries up your ass." When he finished laughing the man told the farmer "No I know your not joking, its just that my buddy is outside picking watermelons!"

 

What do Pentti Arajärvi's pants and the Finnish flag have in common?

- Both are lowered and raised at the command of the president.






... Joke most likely fell flat on it's ass.

 

This is the only one I know off the bat.

A man is driving through the countryside and sees a guy fucking a sheep.

Horrified he drives to the nearest farmhouse.

Knocking on the door he waits until a little boy with white hair answers.

"Sorry son, are your parents in? there is a man in your field having sex with a sheep"

The boy looks up at the man confused and then just laughs.

"Oh don't worry sir, thats just my Daaaaaaad"

 

3 guys (German, French and British) walk into a bar. The barman looks at them for a few seconds, frowning, and asks: "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

What sound does a racist wooden rollercoaster make?

Answer:
(uphill):Chink-chink-chink-chink-chink
(downhill): Nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga

It's better spoken outloud, I suppose. <_<