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WIP The Binding Of Fates by The Dark Lord Nedved - M - HP/ASOIAF

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by The Dark Lord Nedved, Aug 17, 2017.

  1. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    Title: The Binding of Fates
    Author: The Dark Lord Nedved
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure. Crossover
    Status: WIP ( 10 Chapters ~80K words. Updates Every week.)
    Library Category: Time travel/ Do it Again
    Pairings:
    Summary: Harry goes willingly to face Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest. When Death shows Harry the eventual failure of his quest, Harry discovers that Voldemort has twisted much more than his own soul with the Horcruxes. At the same time as Harry's decision to re-enter the Living, Time and Magic throw another resurrected hero in the mix, The Slain Lord commander of the Night's Watch.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12115541/1/The-Binding-of-Fates

    I am Older . Wiser. Better (hopefully).

    This story is different because it does not empower Harry to incredible strengths. It actually splits his magic, and he is temporarily handicapped in terms of spellcasting, and has to learn the intricacies of wandmaking to actually get re-armed. Not to mention teaming up with a dimensional traveler and integrating Jon Snow into the Wizarding World . There would be various types of Guilds, trading economies and mercernaries abound. International Ranging Missions, various Racist Groups and Dark Threats will intertwine with the concurrent timeline of Harry's years at Hogwarts.
     
  2. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Didn't you write the Solidaus series? You know how many years I've been fucking mad at you because I could never find all of them after you started reposting them on hpfanfiction.net.

    I'll review this shortly.
     
  3. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    Yes. A different me. Over a decade ago. All of those stories are posted on hpff.com
     
  4. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    So you put them all back up? I never did get to read some of them especially since you had like book 1,3 and bits of 5 up.

    Still reading your OP.

    Not the best premise. You've only got ten chapters and your pacing seems to be trying to show as much as possible. That's both good and bad. I don't really like the voices thing people do or the personification of time, death, etc. It's kinda like gore in fics. I see you doing it but it adds nothing to the story.

    Overall I'd give you a 3/5 for what you have. I'll reserve the right to change it the more you post. If you want more constructive criticism then post what you have in WbA. We have plenty of people that will help you plan your future chapters if you desire.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2017
  5. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Is this about Jon Snow in the wizarding world? That strikes me as somewhat pointless... he's just a Muggle. Why don't they just obliviate him and send him on his way?
     
    Sey
  6. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    It is explained why at the beginning of the story.
     
  7. KGB

    KGB Death Eater

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    You lost me at the bit where Jon turns out to be Lord Black. I can't really imagine how that leads to anything but plot convince and another take on the tired pure blood politics cliche.

    Even before that your Jon didn't really come across as Jon Snow, made me think of a Tolkien dwarf for some reason. All the while being way to comfortable with everything around him, culminating with him not even beating an eye at the goblins.

    It just feels like unnecessarily elaborate backstory for your OC. Because even if you had nailed Jon as a character he doesn't really add anything of value. He is a stranger in a strange world where all of his skills and knowledge is redundant.
     
  8. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    Hi KGB

    The explanation was actually in the chapter after Tonks said she never heard about him. Magic, Time and Luck interfered at the railway crossroads and created changes by sending Snow across the tracks. Regulus and Giselle are his parents in this alteration.

    I never read Tolkien so I can't say I know about the dwarfs other than the one in The lotr trilogy movies. Harry also explains to him muggle and magical things he should know. Also, he's not one to panic and knows he has no choice as he is now in a new world. If you think of it, when Harry initially learned he was a wizard did he panic at everything ? And that was at age 11. Jon is a seasoned ranger who has also seen crazy things by the time he is here.

    Keep reading Jon isn't useless whatsoever :)

    I hope this answers your questions/ confusion.

    Thank you for reading and your feedback
     
  9. KGB

    KGB Death Eater

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    I understand the How. What I don't get is the why. And as I said before the only explanations that jump to my mind is some sort of cliche plot convince later. Some scene where Jon flashes his ring/seal/whatever you use to indicate that he is Lord Black and everyone around him uhh's and ahh's and does exactly what he says. You know like no one ever did in canon.

    If it's just done for reasons of making him a part of the wizarding world officially. Why? Is the bureaucratic makeup of the Wizarding World a major subplot of this fic? Or could the entire thing just be handwaved away and they can go and have their adventures?

    Bringing up this fanfic cliche just sets this up to be a certain, in my opinion shitty, type of a fic. One where balls take place and everyone talks snidely at each other, instead of having battles involving all the awesomeness magic can bring to them.

    It's not really anything to do with the books. More that he for some reason made me think of Gimli. Gruff warrior type that cracks jokes in tense situations.

    Yes but when it was Harry it was: Hey look the world you knew is bigger than you imagined. Also this totally serves as an explanation for the weird things that have happened in your life.

    For Jon it's: Nothing you ever knew exists anymore. The people gone. The familiar societal structures gone. Hell the seasons no longer work as you knew them to. And the maps you have seen are now completely wrong.

    I know that it's the common problem of all xovers that travel between worlds and it's annoying to have a character angst over it too much. So perhaps it's not even something that needs to be addressed, but it just sort of rubbed me the wrong way how easily he went along with everything.

    That isn't in doubt. It's your fanfic, if it was Sansa cross stitching could hold the secret to defeating Voldemort. It's just how much you have to bend the canon to make it work.

    And the only real skill that Jon has over everyone else in the HP world is the sword fighting. But you have to seriously undermine HP wizards for that to be a valuable skill to have.
     
  10. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    Hi Kgb

    How far have you read into the story? Just asking. A lot of your comments have been addressed.

    Jon knows he has died. Jon knows that he is now alive, and younger. He's not one to cry about it, even the fact that he is in a new place. He was typically a loner anyway. The entities in the station also prophesied he 'would take on the Black' once more. This was touched upon early in the fiction as well.

    I agree with you about that whole 'Black Ring' other fanfictions liked to use lol! I don't see why wizards would automatically be awed about a young wizard owning a ring to represent Lordship.

    Jon doesn't even know the history of the family. He's taking it as, "Well if that is the case, so be it" mentality.

    Let me know what chapter you have read up to so I can truly understand if the story is too vague.

    Thank you again for your feedback.
     
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2017
  11. Lindsey

    Lindsey Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    The Jon Snow in your fanfic does not, even remotely, act like Jon Snow in ASOIAF. Nothing about him, except for having Ghost, even reminds me of Jon Snow in canon. I think you need to re-read Jon's sections in the books as it is that bad. What is the point of bringing Jon Snow to Hogwarts if he is just a blank slate with Jon Snow's name (and not even that as he is a 'Black')?

    His reactions are pretty lame as well. When I opened this fic, I wanted to see someone from ASOIAF deal with the modern world and the wonder of magic in HP. You completely ignore it. Not only did Jon die and he is practically okay with that... He is in a brand new world that is radically different than his. He should be amazed at electricity, cars, how women and men act, seasons that change, Democracy. Let alone what is in the wizarding world... His introduction to Diagon Alley was incredibly disappointing as you left out that magical wonder that HP had when he first entered it in book 1.

    He should also be freaking out about returning home as he knows about the threat Beyond the Wall. He wouldn't be 'rolling with the punches' but instead trying to figure out why he is there and how can he return.
     
  12. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    If i recall correctly, Jon is sullen, moody, and is learning the hard way how to be a member of the night's watch . he wants to be honorable, like his father. He also is skilled with the sword, loyal, and pretty much doesn't care about other people's opinions, other than Ygritte's and Sam.

    Jon understands that he has been killed. The station in between has given him a new mission. He is NOT desperate about going back to the ASOIAF world, where his own men killed him. He's getting another chance to live in this reality.

    And...with those other things, he is a warrior and does not 'freak out' about anything. Everything is new and amazing, but he has a guide and is learning the ropes. Focusing on the newness of the setting is not really my objective. He will learn as he goes along by doing exactly what you are saying and that is 'rolling with the punches'.

    I am sorry you hate it so much, but thank you for your feedback. I hope you eventually find things that you do like about it.

    Thank you for reading.
     
  13. gokieks

    gokieks First Year

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    I made it as far in as KGB did, to the part where they showed up at Gringotts and Jon turned out to be Lord Black, when I stopped reading.

    I have no attachment to the Jon Snow character or ASOIAF (I still have not read it, nor watched GoT, and at this point refuse to do so until the books are finished), so maybe I wasn't really the target audience to begin with, but by this point I've lost any semblance of caring for his character as presented in this story, because he is exceedingly uninteresting without any existing character knowledge (which may or may not actually be relevant, if what others are saying about the character is accurate).
     
  14. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    Thank you for reading.

    Just a reminder you reached the second chapter which occurred on the second day of being in the HP world.

    The second day and his character is exceedingly uninteresting?

    Thank you for your feedback
     
  15. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I get why people want to write crossovers. I think you could have done a lot more by never naming your OC Jon Snow. Feels to me you're just getting in on the HP/GoT hype train and it just not doing anything good. Like honestly you're wanting to distance yourself from your old fic, which while it's old and hasn't aged well it had an interesting concept. You could have this with that but it seems to me you're going to focus on too much pureblood politics and whatever else since your OC is Lord Black. Have you contemplated posting to WbA?
     
  16. Hawkin

    Hawkin Minister of Magic

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    The deciding factor of whether to stick to a story or not is generally found within the first or second chapter. The fact that you character is completely uninteresting, and that you hit the "Lordship" trope within said chapters might lead to some people putting it down quite quickly as you've not shown anything extraordinary with your writing that could keep them interested (e.g. This guy is good, I'll endure the trope for now, maybe he's got a nice twist for it). We don't know you so we base our opinion on the first few words you'll throw at us, and this story isn't stellar by any mean.
     
  17. happyg

    happyg First Year

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    "We got turned back into twelve." ...
    Work still to do, a thousand edits and one.
     
  18. The Dark Lord Nedved

    The Dark Lord Nedved First Year

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    hi

    Interesting how everyone assumes that this story is going to be about pure blood politics . maybe a lot of stories you guys have read touched on that theme. Inspiration that came to mind when I was putting together this story initially was that Jon was Lord of the Black in his story. This setting was a tongue in cheek twist on that , with Jon admitting that he was to 'Take on the black' again in some form or fashion.

    I am trying to figure out how you guys came to the conclusion that Jon would have any sort of pure blood agenda. Especially as he would be rolling with HP.

    I appreciate the feedback, but the bias is shocking. Everyone jumped on this assumption train and seems that it destroys the entire story by the middle of the second chapter.

    These reviews are savage! Not a single person could stomach to read further than chapter 2! Lol.

    So be it.

    The DLP forums has spoken. I accept flames of judgement and will continue forging ahead.

    -TDLN
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2017
  19. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I read all posted chapters. I think I'm the only one that said anything about pureblood politics. I don't speak for DLP and neither does anyone in this thread. We're a collective. General concensus of your fic is that it's likely to have issues. I'm watching it to see where you go.

    I assume you post here for critical feedback. Take it and improve. Or keep trying to defend. No one has said you should stop writing. Your fic is in the early stages it could get better.
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2017
  20. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw DLP Overlord Admin

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    If that's the reason for your premise, you probably need to rethink it. There should be a deliberate reason for major decisions and events.

    DLP forums tend to skew older than most places: we're a community around more than HPFF. That said, we've all read a disgusting amount of HPFF in the past. Just about every time someone is the "Heir of X" or "Lord Y" it turns into pureblood politics. If Jon was destined for a seat in the Wizengamot or was going to use his status to do something, then you too have fallen into this trap.

    I don't know what to tell you. Life is too short to force yourself to read something your not enjoying. Listen to the feedback you're getting: we're not telling you to fuck off and die, we're telling you what we don't enjoy. Disconnect yourself from your work from a moment to really hear what we're trying to say. If you're wanting to push ahead with a HP/GoT crossover you have two avenues: extreme guilty pleasure, or something compelling story-wise. This hits neither so far. That said, if you're enjoying it, go right ahead. It just isn't for us and that's okay too. An outlet is an outlet.

    I would recommend you post your first chapter in the Work by Author forum. You will get lots of feedback. If you accept that feedback and discuss elements vs. rising to their defense, you might well find your story improving.

    Or, you can opt to ignore the feedback as it's given and see this story find its way into the Trash Bin here.

    It's your story. If you're enjoying writing it, don't let us stop you! I've written some less than stellar stories back in my day with elements because I wanted them and no other reason. It was fun. However, had I written them when DLP was as it was today, I'd have had a lot more story and a lot less "fun elements."
     
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