I think Harry should take out Malfoy Sr. He has the most influence over Fudge.

 

I assume a 'do' goes between 'going' and 'to'

himself

Probably just me but the use of the word splattered in this instance makes it sound more like a bird is shitting on her than that she's getting rained on.

'no suspect' should be 'not expect'

When Dumbledore said this last chapter, I didn't say anything. After all, a plan can have more than one good point but usually people say that something 'has merit', rather than 'has merits'.

A nitpick, but 'as he is Minister of Magic' makes it sound less like Harry is the minister.

emphasizing... There, I said it.

Delete a suddenly, suddenly.

Generally, I'd place a 'so' before 'as to'

Shit, that ain't very reassuring. 'will not find'

I'd change the second 'mind' to something like 'consciousness' just to avoid the rapid repetition.

I'd make it 'was once again in control' or 'was in control once again' or something similar. Since the effects of what she's done aren't really seen by us and only hinted at a paragraph later, it makes it seem like putting Harry in control was the point of what she did, even though we already know what's being done. Er, did that make sense? Because it's set apart in its own sentence and because of the 'suddenly', Harry regaining control is given a significance that it really shouldn't have because it's actually not a big deal.

Also, I'd find a few alternate ways of saying 'suddenly'. How about, 'and, without warning, Harry was once again in control.'

I'd just drop the 'he' in the interest of flow.

'brushing off his large, calloused hands.' Nitpicky? It just seems to have more of that flow I mentioned.

Wait... isn't that the Black King?

than

How about changing the first 'that' to 'who' or the second one to 'which'... or both.

'Good old Murtie McMilliam was talking amiably with, in Tom's opinion, a rather shady character.' makes it sound more like his opinion is about the shadiness and less like it's his opinion that there is some talking going on.

Those are some dangerous windows! 'Lightning flashed from beyond the windows' maybe? 'Lightning flashed outside the windows' I dunno... call it a nitpick. I'm just puttin' this stuff out there.

'tall, dark, cloaked' or 'tall, dark-cloaked' perhaps?

The 'out' is extraneous, but it's mostly a matter of preference, I suppose.

'suddenly accosted'

'rocketed into the air'

feet

'and a hazy'

'knelt'.... or, what the hell, 'bent'

Okay, I'll buy that hags can leer and glare simultaneously. They're hags!

Okay, so a Fallen walks into a bar... wait, that's not how the joke goes.

Wooden what?

Well, someone's definitely got wood. Though I'd recommend deleting 'wooden' in this case, since we've already established what the bar is made of and confirmed it once again, when it explodes into, wait for it... splinters.

I bet that's 'cause it's made of wood. *snicker* OW! Hey, sorry. Damn...

spun

Unless buzzing bees are a unique type of bee, I'd slap a new adjective on them this second time around, lest you start sounding like a children's story (the buzzing bees, and the clever cats and the laughing lions and...) How about angry?

'was gouged'

'the balding wizard stared into what he thought were the soulless eyes'

'and, deliberately ignoring one of the bottles, he raised his wand.' or if you delete your comma 'and deliberately ignored one of the bottles as he raised his wand.'

of his wand. 'at the tip of his wand'. Unless he's about to throw an AK from his empty hand.

When, oh when, will we remember that the magic blasts from the tip of the wand, and not it's arse end? Thank God that there is no room left here for that sort of confusion.
Seriously though, you've got the most wand tips I think I've ever seen in one chapter. Possibly even in a whole story.

I'd drop the 'a'... if I ever published anything.... but I don't.

LOL. Who has bigger balls here, Tom, for pointing out this gaffe, or Harry for not just obliviating him real quick and trying again? Or the all time classic, cracking the impertinent bitch over the head and screaming, "Mudbloods, that's what I said, you deaf old fuck!"

Which is like sawdust, only dustier... and woodier. Seriously though, maybe dropping the 'en' would make the passage less... wooden?

perhaps a 'the' between 'of' and 'upstairs'

I'd drop the 'yells of' but that's just me.

I'd make it 'torn in two' unless you add 'pieces' afterwards.

bottles lay

We know we're in a bar by now. Perhaps drop 'of the bar'. The 'blazing fire roaring' feels a little awkward to me. *shrug*

I find myself waiting for a 'with it' after 'brought along'. 'he suppressed the dark feelings which accompanied it.' ?

Wut?

Is she wearing those robes on her eye? 'wearing crimson robes and an eye-patch over her left eye.'
Hmm, that wasn't much better either.

mask

startling

Damn you. sir, and damn your word, flittering. How about 'flickering' this time?

That sentence disintegrated, didn't it? 'she fell to the ground, her wand clattering from her hand.'

woman... or are there three here now? I've been known to have my ADD moments, so...

We're still talking about 'Patch', so she's not the 'other' woman this time, right? The 'older' woman. The 'scarred' woman... but not the other woman.

were parried

woman

I'd change 'system of' to 'system for' and 'trouble of' to 'trouble in/with' just to cut down on the 'of's'

drop the extra quotation mark

'Wooden' and 'suddenly' appear side by side, everybody has to chug their drink!

For simplicity's sake, I'd just swap 'wooden' for 'debris'.
Also, I'd make them buzzing seagu- OW, shit! Okay, sorry, sorry!

I'd have it say 'poured forth', just because 'poured forward' is a bit awkward. Sort of.

I still say it's hard to identify this gladiatrix as the 'other woman' when the focus has been on her nearly constantly since Tonks got taken to the metaphorical woodshed at the onset of the fight. Anyway...

'The other Auror cried as she whipped her wand around, magically deflecting the debris that rained down on her.'

'backward and forward' or 'back and forth'

'coiled around it and protruded from its mouth.'

Baby, why you gotta make me hurt you?

'Just as the door burst open and the grizzled Auror, along with two others, rushed into the courtyard, Harry twirled on his feet and disapparated' 'way' should be deleted, rather than corrected to 'away', since 'disapparated' already implies the 'away' bit.

delete the 'her'

'to be worth' or, alternately, 'Plus, the look on Dumbledore's face will make it all worthwhile.'


Instances of Sudden (and variations): 27, I believe.
Instances of Wood (and variations): 13, but I kid...

I don't know how you've been cranking these out so fast. You're a machine! I'm enjoying the story (and the fact that Amanda seems to get the best of Harry, or at least nullify him, as often as he does her).
Keep up the good work!

 

Amazing chapter Shezza, and it's not even finished yet!

I had only one problem with this chapter, as I am not a grammar-whore. Harry's spell that was 'similiar' to an electric discharge hit the Auror's STEEL shield. Even if it was merely similiar to an electric discharge, would it not still conduct through metal?

 

I'd probbaly arc to the person due to the shield floating. Assuming the charge was high enough that is...

 

Cleary stated she is touching the shield. As she isn't electrocuted I'm assuming the shield is more complex then a large slab of steel, but I just want some conformation on this.

 

I'm a Harry/Amanda fan for two reasons.

1: For them to have a relationship would mean Amanda being corrupted in some way. Which I find is a well-deserved fate for any non-Michael members of the Carpenters.

2: THIS IS PURE SPECULATION!!!

I believe some time late in DK Meciel will either be destroyed or permanently sepperated from Harry. If Shezza keeps Harry in character he will take this hard, emo-ish hard. Being lovers with Meciel would just make Harry's emofall all the larger.

 

Why the hell is this even still in the For Review section I mean its obviously library material.


Also Harry/Meciel foe life.

 

Yea I know just trying to show my appreciation. LOL

 

Realization

I just realized why the timeline is bugging me, its Amanda she's the third sibling, it should be Alicia, Amanda is like seven by the time of Proven Guilty, I can't believe I didn't realize that sooner. Just thought I would point it out. Ciao.

 

I'm also wondering why this is still "For Review"... oh well, that doesn't really matter.

Denarian Renegade and Denarian Knight are, in my humble opinion, easily some of the best HP fics around. Very well-written, interesting plot, and Harry's character is superb. Great humour, too.

Seriously Shezza, keep up the good (scratch that, great) work!

 

Because the staff is lazy. >_>

 

I for one welcome our new rock overlords.

 

Awesome.

Where's that rep button when you need it ...

 

Argh! Dont scare us like that! For a terrifying moment there I thought you were being serious about abandoning the story! That would have been a disaster.

Anyway, there is not much to say about this piece. It was cool enough though nothing truly major happened. One thing that sorta jumped at me was the way Harry referred to Sirius at the end. Somehow I got the feeling from it that Harry was being a bit too familiar referring to Sirius with his first name. I wonder if having Harry call him Black at this point would be better. Harry does not yet know Sirius afterall.

Other than that I liked it and am already looking forward to the next chapter.

 

Wouldn't the practical solution here be to mount Sirius's head (real or simulated) on a pike somewhere with a note attached "Behold the fate of those who pretend to the power of Lord Voldemort"?

 

I can almost see the next conversation Dumbledore and harry have.

Dumbledore trying to lay the guilt on about harry framing sirius.

Harry not knowing why the hell it should matter. Sirus being a deatheater and all...

Now the question should be... will Dumbledore reveal Sirius's secret or will he consider Harry to be to risky a person to tell such things too.

Good Job

Ps I think you were inspired by that avatar by Xipho or Jon or someone...

"Screw it, Rocks Fall. Everyone dies..."

 

That'd be The-Caitiff.

 

Rofl, that was great.

I can see why this chapter was a pain in the ass to write...

 

I do too, aniway it was interesting have a good day Shez