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Complete The Downward Spiral Saga

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by BolshevikMuppet99, Sep 3, 2018.

  1. BolshevikMuppet99

    BolshevikMuppet99 Muggle

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    Title: Harry Potter and the Homecoming
    Author: BolshevikMuppet99
    Rating: M
    Genre: Fantasy/Horror
    Status: Complete
    Library Category: Dark Arts
    Pairings: None (eventual Harry/Daphne)
    Summary: Book 1 of the Downward Spiral Saga:After being raised in an orphanage, Harry Potter is visited by his new headmaster and brought into the world of magic. How will an abused Harry fare in this new world? Slytherin!Harry, Eventual Dark!Harry
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12867536/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Homecoming

    I know that self-posting is frowned upon. Still, I think you may enjoy this story. A slow-burn Death Eater Harry, with a focus on his choices being natural. No bashing.

    ========
    Edited by Ched to reflect a review thread for the entire (completed) 6-story series as opposed to the first story alone. After reading these I wanted to come back and comment on the story as a whole rather than the initial piece.

    Series
    1. Harry Potter and the Homecoming - Book 1 of the Downward Spiral Saga:After being raised in an orphanage, Harry Potter is visited by his new headmaster and brought into the world of magic. How will an abused Harry fare in this new world? Slytherin!Harry, Eventual Dark!Harry, Sequel is up! HP and Salazar's Legacy
    2. Harry Potter and Salazar's Legacy - Book 2 of the Downward Spiral Saga: Sequel to HP and the Homecoming. Voldemort is back, but no one know it. At least, not yet. At Hogwarts though, strange things are occurring. What can Harry do, now that half the school believe he is Slytherin's Heir? Eventual Dark!Harry, Slytherin!Harry. Sequel has begun! HP and the Year of Broken Chains.
    3. Harry Potter and the Year of Broken Chains - Book 3 of the Downward Spiral Saga: Sequel to HP and Salazar's Legacy. Given the choice to join Lord Voldemort, what will Harry do? Meanwhile, couples begin forming in the Slytherin dorm, and a deranged killer is on the loose. Dark!Harry, Slytherin!Harry. Sequel is up. HP and the Return of the Lost
    4. Harry Potter and the Return of the Lost - Downward Spiral Saga 4:Sequel to HP and year of broken chains. Lord Voldemort plans to announce his return to the world at large, while the Triwizard Tournament is taking place at Hogwarts. Harry's godfather struggles to build a relationship with him, while Pansy wants to get out of one. And a meddling ex-auror has his eye on Harry. Dark!Harry Sequel is up. HP and the Dirge of Hope
    5. Harry Potter and the Dirge of Hope - Book 5 of the Downward Spiral Saga: Sequel to HP and the Return of the Lost. As the war rages across Europe, and the Death Eaters slowly gain ground, Dumbledore begins giving Harry private lessons about Voldemort's past. Meanwhile, someone is leaking information from the Death Eaters. Dark/Evil! Harry. Sequel has begun: HP and the End of War
    6. Harry Potter and the End of War - Book 6 of the Downward Spiral Saga: As the last of the Ministry's forces fall, the war is all but won. Or would be, if Grindelwald wasn't still out there, biding his time and building up a force. And who is after the Dark Lord's Horcruxes? Dark!Harry. Sequel to HP and the Dirge of Hope
    My own review will be in a separate post later in the thread. -Ched
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2019 at 1:45 AM
  2. Zansa

    Zansa Second Year

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    I'll be honest, this seems like it was written by a early-to-mid teen who has never really written before, which is fine but this isn't going to do well at all in the review board and you probably should have started in the WBA. This story has all the subtlety of a nuclear bomb, and even though you said there is no bashing you immediately turned around and butchered Petunia and Vernon's characters to the point that they're unrecognizable.

    Every single character you've written sounds like a teenager who is trying really hard to sound like an educated adult but is failing miserably because they haven't had enough socialization with educated adults, and I have no doubt that the plot and Harry's descent into evil is equally mishandled.

    You need to grab some books - books on writing, and fiction story books by actual, published authors - and you need to study the art. Your grasp of character voice is nonexistent at best, the prose reads like an essay, and the less said about dialogue the better. There can't even be anything said about story beats, framing, or showing and not telling because everything else is so bad that it's irrelevant.


    1/5.
     
  3. MrBucket

    MrBucket Fourth Year

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    Not that it would have turned this from the pile of shit it is to something worth reading, but proofreading would have at least made me not so irritable reading this. You have missing periods, missing commas, missing paragraph breaks; there are unnecessary commas, periods, paragraph breaks; the writing in general is just shit. I mean, you even have random horizontal lines that completely cut sentences in half. What the fuck? How do you even do that by accident?

    I'm just going to copy and paste something I told someone else on here who was too lazy to grasp the basic rules of writing before asking for advice:

    I strongly suggest you begin reading. Not fanfiction, but actual well-written books. Hell, just reading the Harry Potter books should help you improve. Read and pay attention, to the grammar, to the story, to dialogue, to everything. This will help loads, because quite frankly, this is bad. Like really, really bad. This is just one of those times you need to self-improve first, because it's not a few specific things you need to improve on, it's literally everything.

    But this is kind of like asking a random soccer coach how to play soccer when all you've done is play a few games of kickball, halfheartedly watched a high school soccer game, and didn't think to even google how certain things work. There's a certain amount you can do by yourself to improve before you should seek out help from specific individuals, especially from DLP.
     
  4. pbluekan

    pbluekan Auror DLP Supporter

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    You’re like a terrible dog. You come in here and shit on the floor and think you should be praised.

    When you’ve failed to even do basic MS Word proofreading, you’ve got a fucking problem.

    @MrBucket pretty much covered it.
     
  5. Microwave

    Microwave Sixth Year

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    This is a crime in itself.
     
  6. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    So I've got some thoughts here.

    First and foremost - this is not a 1/5 story in my opinion. It's a 3/5 for me, and while I can understand that many people won't agree with me... it does make me wonder. There's been 11 votes on this story and 4 comments. How many of those votes are bandwagoning or bias because the author posted it himself? How many read enough of the story to judge?

    Always gets under my skin a bit, but c'est la vie.

    I found this story because of this thread.

    Kudos to the author for completing a 6-story series that, while not perfect, is still above average in many ways. There's a coherent plot, some interesting characters, some serious dark magic and exploration of how it effects users of it, etc. The couples didn't get on my nerves. The progression in characterization was... well, it... I can't say it made sense, because for me it really did run off the rails and go too far, but within the story? It was cohesive and clearly plotted with intent by the author.

    Voldemort is smart in this one. He's terrifying, but he is intelligent and it's possible to see why his followers follow him. He wants them to be fearful of them but he knows there's only so far he can push without them considering turning on him. It's rare to see LV done this well, though this is hardly the only story to manage it.

    Grindelwald shows up later in this series, around book 5 maybe, and I really like his characterization.

    Harry is disturbing as fuck. The author says that this story has him making choices that are "natural" but I call BS on that. Yes he makes choices that I can understand and the author shows the progression well. He goes from an abused child to... whatever you call the sort of monster he becomes. And it takes years. And there's some struggle within him about it that I found myself interested in, if only because it didn't always go the ways I expected.

    But it goes too dark for me to call it 'natural,' even if within the story it is explained well enough.

    There's no bashing, not really.

    The last story ties things up in a way that I found... satisfying? It mirrored canon in some ways.

    There's a saddening lack of periods for some damn reason in a lot of the stories. Or at least I saw quite a lot of missing periods whilst reading on my mobile phone. But I'll be honest - grammatical issues are an issue, but to me they're not a major one. Not if the writing keeps me reading quickly enough to read over them instead of getting stuck.

    There's a handful of prose issues... but on the whole the writing itself didn't bother me. It's snappy enough and doesn't bog itself down. The plot moves itself along.

    In all honesty this completed series as a whole is above average imo, which means it's worthy of a 3.5/5. But for me I round down, despite the fact that I read the entire thing in a few days, because of how... forced? No, not forced. But too many things went right, I suppose, despite all the things that went wrong, and I could feel the hand of the author guiding things a little too strongly into a direction that was disturbing.

    Certainly a story worth more than 1/5 in my opinion, which is the lowest damned rating and means that it would be worse than most of the unreadable drivel on ffnet.

    It's not great, mind you, but if you're into Dark!Harry this will work for you once you hit third year or so. It's a slow burn, though once it catches fire... bloody hell, but Harry is a disturbed little shit.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2019 at 2:08 AM
  7. why?

    why? Seventh Year

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    The bad guys are overly competent and strategic, and Dumbledore and co are always a few steps behind or on the off chance they're not, they get the rug pulled from under them.

    The unbreakable vow between Snape and Voldemort is an example of that. I don't know if he managed to get out of it, but I suspect not.

    Harry is pure evil, but I don't think the horrible backstory and the graphic flashbacks were necessary. The author tried to create a reason for Harry's...sociopathy? Is that the word? Well, whatever it is, I don't think he needed to go that far. I think that's an issue in the story as a whole — the author stretches "evil" past the point of ridiculousness. But it's not too hard to look past, and some of the random stuff (like the dark magic + sex bits) can be chalked up to teenagers being teenagers, which is also something this story does well. Harry and his friends are believably edgy, in that they're not so much moustache twirling as much as they're erratic/volatile kids.

    Harry manipulating Hermione into thinking he's a good little lamb during the Yule Ball was nicely done.

    Oh, and the lack of Goddess!Hermione is refreshing.

    I'll echo what I said in the other thread: solid 3/5. But I'll try to come back and rate the actual thread, once I'm done with books 5 and 6.
     
  8. Drachna

    Drachna First Year

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    I read this series over the last few days after reading For Lack of a Bezoar by the same author.

    I honestly wasn't impressed by the first three, but I wanted to see how the author's writing style would progress throughout the series. None of these books are bloated with filler, and I feel that their shorter length when compared to a lot of other fanfictions where Harry turns to the dark arts was refreshing.

    You need to be patient with this story if you want to enjoy it, and some of the actions preformed by the main characters turned my stomach in a way few stories have before.

    In any case if you love a dark Harry Potter you'll most likely enjoy this to some degree.

    4/5