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WIP The Lion, the Witch and the Vanishing Cabinet by FiendLurcher - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by CleanRag, Apr 11, 2020.

  1. CleanRag

    CleanRag Professor

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    Title: The Lion, the Witch and the Vanishing Cabinet
    Author: FiendLurcher
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Supernatural
    Status: In-Progress
    Library Category: The Alternates
    Pairings: None. (Maybe Harry/Luna)
    Summary: Listening to Luna usually yielded results. It might not be the results you wanted or expected, but it's results all the same. Though, falling into another world when all he had wanted was to find out what Malfoy was up to was beyond even Harry's wildest expectations.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13424561/1/The-Lion-the-Witch-and-the-Vanishing-Cabinet

    5/5

    This is a Skyrim crossover and it is one of the best HP stories I've read in several years that hasn't come from a DLP author. It does many things well and you have to squint pretty hard to find something to gripe about.

    The best thing it does is keep Luna completely in character while giving her a major role. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do that this well before and it may be worthy of the Library for that alone. While Harry is the main character, she is a legitimate protagonist who frequently pushes the plot around whether it is when they are out and about or just talking to people around town.

    The plot is a bit light and mostly the small problems they are having when they arrive, but the author keeps even things like getting food, money and shelter interesting. The major issue is that they are stranded in Skyrim have no idea how to get back. They arrive outside Dawnstar and couldn't resist helping clear Vaermina's Temple. Which is where the story is at the moment.

    The author is a very skilled writer and problems with this story are hard to find. Harry learns to apparate from Ravenclaw's Diadem which is a bit sketchy, but is critical to how they get to Skyrim so I'm willing to let it go. That and a few grammatical errors aren't worth nocking even half a point from the rating so this is an easy 5/5.

    At only four chapters and 34k words this may be a bit premature to post, but it is so good that I can't see this getting any worse over the next 300k let alone the next few chapters. So I am posting this now instead of arbitrarily waiting for it to hit 50k.
     
  2. soczab

    soczab Groundskeeper

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    Ok that was good. I know nothing about Skyrim. And it’s poorly named since from the title you would think it would be a narnia crossover lol. But despite that I still enjoyed it a good bit. The only reason I would hesitate with the rat8ng is due to length not quality. It seems very early on plot wise. I might hold rating it for a few more chapters...till we see how they deal with at least this first conflict in the first real arc
     
  3. Wyatt Jones

    Wyatt Jones Second Year

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    2/5 a couple of rambling thoughts below

    This story is overly wordy. The 1st chapter is 5,000 words and the only important story beat that happens is Harry and Luna end in Skyrim.

    They end up in Tamriel and notice the different moons but they don't notice the constellations? Did Luna and Harry not take astronomy or something. The fact that the author misses this doesn't give me much faith he knows what he's doing with the elder scrolls world.

    I'm dropping this and it's not even the second chapter

    Why is he flushing over getting a drink of water? Why doesn't Harry cast Aguamenti in his own mouth if he's so embarrassed? Does the author have a water sports fetish and this is all just a thin veneer?

    This is what I mean by overly wordy - cut the aguamenti scene out and nothing important is lost.


    Writing is fine and Luna's characterization is okay those are the only reasons this isn't a 1.

    Edit: Changing rating to a 1, if I can't even finish the 2nd chapter I don't know why I would rate it anything else.
     
  4. Zilly Sawdust

    Zilly Sawdust Professor

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2005
    Messages:
    496
    There are just 4 chapters, which is really not enough to rate this. The writing is alright, though plagued by an obvious lack of proof-reading. As Wyatt mentioned, some of the characterisation seems incredibly awkward. Though from what I remember from canon, I can't say that it's inaccurate. I'll hold off rating for now, because there's no telling how it might go, being so early in. Though with >30k words with barely any progression to speak of, I think it will meander heavily and slowly through a few hundred thousand pointless words before there will be a resolution to any of the problems Harry and Luna are facing.
     
  5. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Motherfucker - this line made me snort rum up my fucking nose. Just... what? I legit laughed out loud and I don't think for quite the right reasons. He yelped with a startle indeed.

    If this was in WbA I'd have some critique for it on using words like 'almost' but as it's not I'll just review straight out.

    I'm going with a 2.5 and rounding up to a 3/5 because this is fairly readable. It's just purely average/mediocre for fanfic (which is my definition of a 3). To improve it's standing to better than average it needs to use fewer words and make the crossover aspects tighter/better.

    Granted I haven't played Skyrim extensively (I bought it years ago though), but even so it feels like it's not quite 'real' to me, which is hard to pinpoint.

    Guilty pleasure fic, but probably not for me because I'm a whore for solid pacing more than anything else.

    Edit: It's also very awkward to read sometimes in ways which don't make a lot of sense. I'd believe, for example, that Harry finds it a bit awkward to be lying with Luna in close quarters to sleep on the floor. I have trouble believing he didn't realize that until she spoke (at least the way it was written).
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2020
  6. Longinus

    Longinus Second Year

    Joined:
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    Argentina

    From the the second chapter:

    It was addressed, just not immediately.

    Yes, it is very wordy, but I found that it doesn't bother me as much. The pacing could be faster; but other than that I'm very interested to see where this goes. 3.5/5, tentative 4/5 till there's more.
     
  7. Mestre

    Mestre Professor

    Joined:
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    Portugal
    The best thing about this fic is the characterization of Harry and Luna. They fell their canon selves and Luna is not the bastardized version of the super Seer who beats everyone with facts and logic. It is enjoyful reading about the kids trying to deal with their new situation with their preconceived bias and Harry always shines best when there is no Hermione.

    And the fic weakest point, like any other Firndlurcher's fic, is the pacing, It gets too wordy and the pacing is too slow.

    But I still give it a 4/5, I would pair this Harry and Luna.
     
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