This is a good chapter. You were quite correct that Voldy was missing for too long from the previous chapters, and your version of Peter is probably my favorite in all of fanfiction.

I'd also like to clarify, that as the prereviewer in question my objection to Voldy's killing of Katie Bell was not so much that his dialogue was stilted as that it's a little campy and over the top -- he ennervated her just so he could kill her? And he asked her to *join* him? (Is he Darth Vader? "Join me and together we can rule the galaxy!") It's a minor complaint anyway; the scene is still great.

 

Fuegodefurza - Actually there is quite a bit going on as the chapter sets the stage for several chapters to come. Thanks for the compliment on Greyback.

Myst - At least I won't have to write "Twinspeak"! That annoys the hell out of me sometimes. Like I said earlier, Hagrid is underutilized. Most authors use him as an oversized Teddy Bear or an oaf for whenever the trio needs to find out what the adults are up to.

Naga - Well they offed Greyback so it wasn't all bad news. Considering the child is half Weasley they can't really threaten him, nor would they be really able to hold the moral high ground if they resorted to killing unborn children.

Nukular Winter - Well I guess it could be campy, but it's more evil to wake her up and kill her than just kill her while she is stunned. Like he said to Angelina, if he kills everyone then who is left to rule? Plus it was great shock value for Angelina to watch her friend die.

Jim

 

Good chapter. I only have 2 problems.

1) The dialogue. For the most part it was bland and unrealistic. Voldemort making small talk with Fred and George was an example of that, IMO.

2) Malfoy wouldn't have the balls to rape Luna when she was ordered not to be touched by Voldemort. Also, Voldemort would have tons of wards on the cells, and I don't believe for one second that there is anything going on in Voldemorts headquaters that he doesn't know about. The fact that she is also such an important prisoner means that Voldemort would take precations so she isn't hurt and doesn't escape.

Other then that, I thought it was a pretty decent set up for the next few chapters.

 

As for the dialogue between Fred and Voldy, I pictured what happens when a customer walks into a store. The salesman tries to strike up a conversation highlighting the products. From Voldy's perspective, he was casing the shop and trying to wait for people to clear, so he feigned most of his interest in the hopes that all the people would clear out. Unfortunately, they had a party planned.

As for Lucius - I disagree, he could snap. Draco has to get his stupidity from somewhere. It can be assumed that Lucius has done many things down there to those who do not enjoy the Master's protection. He even set up his alibi with Flint not telling him. Most people portray Lucius as a slick aristorcrat who only beats his son and Narcissa. I wanted to make him a little more equal opportunity, but I may change Flint's dialogue to indicate that Mr. Malfoy is a frequent visitor to the cells. Does that make it more believable to you?

Jim

 

Hum... I have problems with fics that have malfoy senior beating his son. It's obvious from the cos scene that Draco is allowed to drone on and say stupid things, so...
But yes, i think Malfoy senior is too arrogant and will make mistakes

Edited.

 

Hn good. I would like to see Harry threaten to kill penelopy (can't spell bah) for unless he gives back both, a captive family member is better than a dead one. And when those two die... well whats going to stop the blood from spilling?

-A severly half-assed reveiw.

 

Another great chapter.

The Greyback part was excellent, both his characterization and Hagrid laying the smack down. The scene in WWW was good, I thought. I like the fact that your Voldemort can still act like a person, and doesn't have to kill/torture everyone he sees just because "he's the bad guy."

I definitely agree that Malfoy could snap, but I would have like to see a little bit more conflict between giving in to his rage/frustration and obeying orders so that it was clear that he actually did snap, and doesn't just do this all the time.

I'm assuming that Harry is thinking about trading the entire prophecy with Penny to Voldemort in exchange for both prisoners, and I'm a little curious as to what's going to happen as a result of Malfoy raping Luna when Voldemort promised him at least one undamaged. Also, if the house elves really do play a role in Voldemort's demise, I'm rolling.

-the Jack

 

A quick follow up to IllusiveOne's comments - in the posted version I went ahead and changed Flint's dialogue to reflect Lucius's frequent visits to the prisoner cells.

Arkeus - I agree with your assessment of Lucius. He is pompous and arrogant. He does make mistakes. He set himself up with an alibi though, so we'll see what happens.

Stalicon - Harry can't. The child is Percy's too. I don't think the Weasleys would back it (especially when they are certain Harry would choose Fred). As to the mechanics of the hostage exchange, my plan on using Stonehenge as "sacred" ground in a Highlander sort of manner to prevent the final battle starting next chapter.

Jack - Hopefully the new dialogue reflects that Lucius does visit the cells regularly. His snapping is more related to Peter's antagonism, his failures at the Ministry (both in book 5 and the current political problems Scrimgeour presents) and his home life problems. Luna just happened to resemble a young Narcissa making it all the more delicious.

Glad you like Greyback. Too bad he is gone, but I would rather show Remus and Hagrid killing someone who matters than generic Death Eater/Werewolf X.

You are on to something about the prophecy stay tuned. As for the house elves playing a role, well that is a ways down the road.

Jim

 

The Greyback scene was awesome, and Hagrid owns. Excellent scene in WWW. I just like the sheer perversity of Voldemort chatting amiably with the Weasely twins about the prank business. I find it slightly unrealistic that everyone expects Harry to just give in and choose Fred, leaving Luna to be violated, tortured, and killed. In my opinion, most people would expect to have to stop him from charging off to rescue them both in a heroically stupid maneuver sure to cause the deaths of all three. But that's just my view. I like the Neville characterization, although he seems far, far too naive in dealing with the vampire, simply because they share the last name.

 

Voldemort is not above killing his servants when they fail. The fact is, if Lucius rapes Luna and fucks up the deal to get Penny back, he will be tortured and killed, period. Voldemort clearly cares for Penny, and I'm sure he'd much rather have her then Lucius. There is no way Lucius has to guts to try something like that, IMO. Raping young girls? Yes. Directly disobeying an important order from the Dark Lord in the middle of his own stronghold? Never! He worked tirelessly paying off idiots like Fudge to stay out of prison for being a Death Eater in the first war. Self-preservation is key for Lucius, and he is clearly fairly cunning in canon (Buying respect in the ministry, slipping Ginny the diary in front of hundreds of witnesses, managing to get Dumbledore suspended during CoS, etc), no way is he stupid enough to get on the wrong side of Voldemort.

 

I agree with TheIllusiveOne on the Lucius matter, but other than that I really enjoyed the new chapter. I really can't say anything already stated, but I greatly enjoy your Pettigrew characterization. He's really funny to read.

 

Yeah, I like to see Hagrid not being the gentle giant. More like the regular kind, chopping werewolves in half and such.

As to the Lucius bit, yeah he is all "self-preservation," but he has just got out of Azkaban. From my understanding, that place drives people batty. I'm actually happy with the idea that it would be his master that kills him, rather than someone from the "light" side.

That really sucks for the Weasleys. Fred and George. I don't remember which one died, and I'm too lazy to go look, but I imagine that the other one will be pretty depressed. :*(

Great chapter. My guess is that Harry offers the prophecy in turn for both hostages.

 

Wow from reading the reviews on FF.net, this chapter seems to have pissed a few people off. One was going on about how she didn't see how the light side could win. I didn't realize that the balance of power could be changed with the deaths of Lee Jordan, Katie Bell and George Weasley! On the other hand the dark side lost the leader of the largest pack of werewolves in Great Britain and a couple of his cronies. If you think about it strategically, the light side came out ahead in that chapter. True Luna and Fred are hostages, but Greyback's death combined with the problems Voldemort is having with the Vampires (and he still hasn't quite figured out why the Dementors aren't as active as they should be) and the Dark side has a few problems out there.

Onto your comments -

Mr. Merriman - The best thing about a mostly sane Voldemort is that I can write a scene with him chatting with someone instead of being his own little prisoner in his headquarters sitting on his throne torturing his followers.

Illusive One - you are correct. If Lucius screws the deal up, Voldemort will skin him alive. As for Lucius, he has had a lifetime of his money and influence getting his way. In CoS he basically blackmailed and threatened to curse their families to get the governors to oust Dumbledore. In his diminished capacity (less money and much less influence against the Scrimgeour Ministry) his old methods just aren't cutting it. Its very frustrating. His wife leaving him and running off with a Weasley is very frustrating. I imagine the other DEs don't let him forget that fact very easily either. As for him doing stupid things in anger, in CoS he was about to attack Harry Potter in the middle of the hallway within earshot of Dumbledore's office. Not exactly a bright move on the part of a reformed and repennant Dark Wizard. Finally, Peter just told a room full of DEs including his master how that little fight ended. How humiliating to get your ass kicked by a house elf you used to own and now everyone knows it! Given all that and having to be imprisoned in Azkaban for a time, I can see him snapping.

CGB - Thanks for the compliment see my comment above about Lucius. Note in Greyback's mind Lucius was weak and knew "less than nothing".

DarthBill - It's a good bet that Harry will trade the prophecy. You make an excellent point about Azkaban and Fred will surely be depressed.

As for everyone assuming Harry choosing Fred. Fred is an order member. He is a fully trained wizard. Harry has had a six year relationship with the Weasley family. They have already lost two of their boys. Luna pretty much has three real friends Ginny, Harry and Neville. Hermione and Ron both make disparging comments about her in both canon and fanon. Strategically, Harry should choose Fred. You can say that Luna stood by Harry in DoM, but you know that either F&G would have gone had they already not left the school. It's a nasty choice either way which is exactly why Voldemort wants to make Harry make it.

Jim

 

Jim, you mentioned that you might use Stonehenge as a sacred point so that the final battle doesn't break out. But what about just a minor skirmish, enough so that Harry and Tom get to cross wands but Harry esacapes somehow.

Just my thoughts,
- V

 

Jim, while I can see the point that the reviewers at ff.net were trying to make, I definitely see your point. War is ugly, and HP shouldn't be any different. Usually in a story if a character dies, it's usually along with many people, and they are just listed, and there isn't any rhyme or reason to their deaths.

In tFtCD, however, it seems that Voldie actually has some sort of strategy, and it is alot more like a real war with individual battles where both sides take losses, and there isn't a true 'one-sided victory,' like is common in fanon.

For the hostage choice, wow, that really sucks. One thing that comes to mind in situations like that is a single episode of Firefly called 'War Stories.' In it one of the characters has to make a choice between her husband and the captain of the ship on which to get back from the badguys. She doesn't hesitate and points immediately to her choice. There isn't any angst around it, the choice is made and the characters deal with it. While I'm not sure the same sort of thing would work in this story, perhaps Harry can at least handle it in that fashion when the switch is made. I think that would piss voldie off to see that Harry seems to not even worry about it.

As to the sacredness of Stonehenge, I think you might need to tread carefully, and perhaps explain why Voldie would actually respect that... unless there was some sort of ward or magical nullification field that actively prevented violence or magic...

Well, keep up the good work, on this and BinJ! Definitely look forward to reading more.

 

Good Chapt. I really like ur voldemort.

 

Noone's been here in days....

 

Well in fairness FQ, there's alot going on. IP82 got going again on his story, Master Slytherin finished his story, I put up chapter 7 of Bungle and even found time to actually locate an Avatar.

BTW - I like your new avatar. The old one still kind of creeped me out.

As for chapter progress, well there is none. I need to finish my studying for my cisco exam and take the exam before the 24th. I don't expect to start writing either story before then. I had been discussing a possible entry into the contest with IP82, but there is just so much going on that I don't want to start a third story at the moment, though I have a decent framework for it.

V - When I get going, I'll have the sharp wits of IP82, ChuckdaTruck and the lovely FairyQilan to keep me in line for my ideas on Stonehenge. Rest assured it will be well thought out if it happens. If it doesn't happen, then I will probably use an intermediary such as Snape to handle the hostage exchange. Actually he is going to be heavily involved in the next few chapters.

Jmcqk6 - Thanks as always for your insight both here and in Bungle. I never really got into Firefly, but I see where you are going with this. Harry has a plan for what he is going to do. Only time will tell if it is a good one.

Dranco - Thanks for the compliment.

Jim

 

ewwwwwww RWHG

 

Aw, what's wrong with R/Hr. The way they behave in most fanfics, they deserve each other. Canon Hermione imo, makes a better match for Harry than Gin the Wonderslut, but that's not saying much.

Anyway, I have passed my certification exam and can now return to the keyboard with a vengenance. Thanks to all those who wished me luck.

Jim