Who here doesn't think that JKR saw a Clockwork Orange and made Malcom McDowell's character and his 'droogs' into the pussified Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle?

Damn that movie was a classic. Almost makes me want to write a "Clockwork Harry"! It would be a huge hit here wouldn't it.

Sorry must go and put on a little Ludwig Van and drink some milk plus...

Jim

 

So long as you don't use their damn made up spech patterns when you write it. God that shit was hard to read. We got to do it for an english essay... while interesting I have never had to think so hard while reading a book.

 

Magnificient chapter. I'm really starting to feel bad for Bill, though. Two brothers: dead. Only sister: stroke. Girlfriend: dumped him and got kidnapped. Ex-girlfriend: kidnapped. His life is really starting to suck.

Edit: Why did it put me before you?

 

As hinted on FF, this was the most exhilarating chapter i've ever read. I guess i just had too dull a day and got a real kick out of seeing the new chapter a full day before i expected it.
I thought i try to focus in less-than-brilliant things. Susan's inconsistency for instance. Yes, she's a teen in extreme circumstances, but until now she's been fairly stable and sensible, but this time she doesn't feel real. I played around with it and found that with the addition of just a few describing sentences here and there it all made more sense. I understand how hard it woulda been for you to cut the flow of the article with desciptions of her reactions to the text, but the chapter could have been better for it. I think.
When she dissapears from one place in emotion to abruptly appear in another state made me jump for some reason.
There! I found a less-than-brilliant thing! I guess that "e" grade becomes harder for you to reach. I expect great things from you. Horrible .... but great.

May Robert Lind in Kramfors bless your keyboard, and clone you for faster updates.

g

 

I think there must have been a time issue on the site. My posts at the bottom with the author's notes are dated tomorrow. Unless I have a timeturner in my possession. Well at least that's my cover story.

Susan was very angry at Harry, hence the reason Dumbledore took her outside for some fresh air rather than have Fawkes immediately take her to Harry. It allowed her to calm herself down and face him in a better frame of mind.

Jim

 

Great chapter, the dementors were amazing, and you described bill and rita perfectly. You also made good useage of the more unused charecters. Now for the only downside that i could find, Susan and Harry seemed a bit... I dont know anticlimatic and faked. I can understand the whole monster issue and i guess with him just being told he could turn into a dementor it makes it even bigger, I dont know why but that scene just felt like it was lacking something to me. Oh well thats just me, and the rest of this chapter was superb. Cant wait for the next chapter and keep up the great work.

 

Great chapter, the dementors were amazing, and you described bill and rita perfectly. You also made good usage of the more unused characters. Now for the only downside that i could find, Susan and Harry seemed a bit... I dont know anticlimatic and faked. I can understand the whole monster issue and i guess with him just being told he could turn into a dementor it makes it even bigger, I dont know why but that scene just felt like it was lacking something to me. Oh well thats just me, and the rest of this chapter was superb. Cant wait for the next chapter and keep up the great work.

 

As I said in my review you front page photo is great. It gives him that whole tragic hero type thing going on.

I like that Susan manages to stand up to Dumbledore and not everyone is worshipping him for the saint ihe is usually portrayed as and not that puppet master that is never done well. Just someone trying to do what is right.

Honestly I am looking foward to the Susan Hannah meeting or the Harry Peter meeting more than the Snape fight. Mainly cause as I have said I think your ability to right realistic and interesting charecter interaction is second to none.

 

In my defense, Harry wasn't up for a fight with Susan. He didn't have much fight left in him at the moment. Try being told you might change into a soul sucking monster (kind of like telling Gio he might end up a Neocon!)

When I wrote it, I didn't want one of those drag out for chapters, angsty mistake each other's feelings for paragraphs on end. Just under 11000 words in this chapter and it covered less than a day. I think I gave it the attention it deserved without going overboard. Harry didn't have to explain everything over again, she read the article. I didn't want to go for the whole Harry posturing saying 'you don't know what my life is like'. She's got a pretty good idea. She didn't want to fight anymore and he didn't want to either. Hopefully, Harry and Susan won't have too many more bumps in the road. Then again, it wouldn't be much of a story... would it?

Glad you liked it despite that.

Jim

 

I have 1 complaint about this fic... otherwise I like it

I really like this fic BUT there is something that I find incredibly annoying... you obsessivly use "proper" grammar rather than normal speach... people in real life don't always say "I will" or "You are" they abbreviate to "I'll " or "You're" etc... dumbledore may speak like this but harry and co would NEVER speak like this... its worth actually speaking your dialogue out loud when you read through the chapter, after you've written it (to hear how it flows). Often the best written fics are so good becasue the characters are believeable... at the moment harry is out of character simply by the way he talks... he speaks like PERCY ... please please please write it how you want... not how some stupid word processor grammer check tells you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, good fic otherwise though ... I generally can't stand susan so you're quite good to get me to like reading about her and harry like this

 

Cartman - Are you the guy called Bingo who just reviewed?

Early in the story you're complaint is fairly valid. In fact if you go far back in this discussion thread you will see a lengthy discussion about it with Master Slytherin. Later it becomes more conversational.

I had thought with Wizarding Purebloods that they would be brought up to use 'Proper" English when they spoke especially to adults. I could picture Lucius cracking his walking stick across Draco's knuckles for using ain't in in a sentence. I especially pictured people trying to sound more 'proper' in the presence of Dumbledore.

I hope that answers your comments.

Jim

 

Chapter 25 is up!

I'll come back with Author's notes later, but the chapter is up for your reading pleasure. I am anxious to see what you thought of my Rita Skeeter article. I think it is the best part of the chapter. There should be some interesting history lessons in there for you and I place a few limitations on an unforgivable curse.

Hope you like.

Jim

 

Wanted to give the thumbs up. Harry didnt take the dementors powers and choose to kill them. Most authors would have done it, but you decided not to and that gets my approval. Nice chapter hope to see more of the same.

 

Great chapter.

Just one thing I noticed. Doesn't Dementors show you your worst memory not fear?

 

That was my friend (yup just confirmed it lol...they were a bit harsher then me though)... yes it was in regards to the early chappies...sorry I'm just catching up, glad to hear it gets better, I'm starting to get really into this fic

 

Okay here are the author's notes from chapter 25.

Scene 1 and 2 - They pretty much remain the same from the tease. If you were expecting the same Bill and Fleur from Bungle in the Jungle, you were in for a surprise. Bill is pretty close, but Fleur is vastly different.

Scene 3 - Gives us the rarely used Hestia Jones. It's pretty much your standard snatch and grab an unsuspecting character scene done in thousands of stories and even repeated later in this chapter for Emmy Vance.

Scene 4 - A little drama leading up to a big confrontation with the Dementors.

Scene 5 - Voldemort getting a delivery from Rookwood. Rookwood and Mulciber don't get enough storytime in most stories. Rookwood was the guy giving info from the Department of Mysteries and Mulciber was the mind control specialist.

Scene 6 - Fleur in chains, and not in a smut fic! I wanted to have someone disecting her powers and how they worked. I hope you find it interesting.

Scene 7 - Remember this ain't no horcrux fic! Voldy cut a deal with the dementors, but that connection was transferred to Harry as an infant. I was always looking for a reason that the dementors seemed to home in on Harry in PoA. In this case they sensed his 'unnaturalness' and wanted to destroy him. Hey Vernon was right! Harry really is a freak! Rita is always entertaining to write. I got a good laugh out of the sleeping with a guy and faking his orgasm. Where do dementors come from anyway? I gave my theory that went all the way back to the destruction of Atlantis. Harry turning into a dementor? That would be pretty scary from his standpoint wouldn't it?

Scene 8 - How many of us guys wish we went to school with a girl like Megan Jones? The highlight of this scene and possibly the chapter was Rita's article. Some of my alpha reviewers were generous with their praise saying I managed to capture Rita's style perfectly. Susan and Dumbledore have some discussions.

Scene 9 - Snatches Emmy Vance, just what are those diabolical death eaters up to?

Scene 10 - The makeup scene. Had it not been for Susan's don't be a monster line, it probably would have been an angry heated exchange. I thought it went well without the generic Hermione or Ginny tongue lashing he usually gets in most whipped! Harry stories. She just laid it out and didn't really start dogging him.

Scene 11 - For Mulciber, I pictured that guy who shows up to torture information out of Arnold in True Lies - a creepy strange little man. Thankfully IP82, reminded me that my version of Voldemort is more action oriented and the original writing of him leaving Mulciber to his task was exchanged for the final 'well let me see if I can speed this up' version.

The big Harry versus Snape showdown is coming. I'm told that Harry and Snape fight scenes can make or break a fic. I already have most of the fight in my head diagramed out. I don't think you will be disappointed.

Jim

To answer Bungler's question - Susan and Dumbledore in this story have accused him of possibly going dark. It has replace the screams of his mother that he used to hear in their presence.

 

"I could pretend and say that I meticulously plotted out Rita's article, but it just kind of flowed out onto the computer. I don't know what that says about me, but I was really able to get into her mindset. Frightening?"

I think it means that you can give up your tech job and start writing for the Hollywood 'rags'....

 

mjc - It's a nice fall back idea, but I'd probably get fired mainly because I like to make fun of people too much.

warlock - thanks for the nod. I always wondered what if the Power the Dark Lord knows not is more terrifying than letting the Dark Lord win?

On a side note, I have been invited to join fanficauthors.net. So look for my stories on that site as well. I don't expect that I will stop posting on ff or ficwad anytime soon.

Jim

 

Just got around to reading it, congrats on another excellent piece of work.

~goes off to be jealous of your skill~

 

Do it Jim...

When Tim started that, he said he cared more about quality than any particular ship/style/philosophy/whatever...you've got the quality.