Chapter 10 Author's notes

Okay here are my notes from chapter 10.

Scene1 - I wanted to give Azkaban a big send up! Even those Harry goes to Azkaban never talk about the prison itself. By going into such detail, I wanted to give you the ability to really see the prison in your mind and get a feel for life on both sides of the cell door. Up until the Shawshank Redemption came out, my favorite prison flick was Brewbaker. Still a damn good movie!

My favorite line from the whole chapter is the deviant child with a reputation for playing with dead things, describing the prison.

I said earlier that I have never seen a good Voldy storms Azkaban fic. Hopefully by the time you finish this and next chapter, you will have seen one.

The Mercs generated a lot of questions from the group helping me steer this story now joined by IP82! Voldy learned a lesson in chapter 1, where he wore himself down taking down Amelia's wards. Spend a galleon or two and save your strength for the real fighting. By trade I am a government contractor and I liked the idea of him contracting out his wardbreaking. Notice, I also made his contractor's run behind. Even the might of Voldemort is no match for the Number One rule of employing a contractor - Nothing ever gets done on time!

The Dragon, well lets say I am glad that my beta reader Ms. Qilan and Mr. Stormcrow really didn't like the way the scene was originally written. Originally Voldy was just riding a broom and they said how pedestrian that looked and that he needed something that would evoke the Darth Vader theme music. The rewrite added the Necrodragon. Voldy also likes to play with dead things, plus the level of obedience is unsurpassed. IP82 also contributed greatly and helped me with my description of the Wizengamot. I picture an ultra corrupt organization that is practically run by the political lobbys and the powerful purebloods. Whereas the not so powerful barter their power in exchange for goods and services. I will leave it to you guys to insert your own jokes about how this is any different from what we have in reality!

Scene 2 - I kept getting reviews saying that there wasn't enough grief at #12. I had been dropping hints about the Abbott sisters for awhile, hopefully you clever readers caught it. Dumbles has them there to help keep everyone calm. I am sure Ginny being call 'Leech' didn't bother anyone. The whole 'patronus kiss' has been done before, but I thought I pulled it off well. I also tossed in a bit of guilt on Harry's part about how he fantasized doing this to Cho last year. This isn't one of those fluff fests where Harry instantly falls in love. Susan is falling hard and fast. Harry's descent will be much slower. Hannah will be able to sense this and will call his sorry behind on it soon.

I am sure the Hermione lovers will be all over me saying she would have gone with him. I think it is believable that she might hesitate, especially after being severly injured on the last outing.

Scene 3 - Voldy entering the prison was a transition piece. I wanted him to start killing. The sooner the better. I was thinking of the first Predator movie and when Carl Weather's arm was blown off and was twitching on the ground.

Scene 4 and 5 - Again props to IP82. He convinced me to rewrite the scene. It was originally Auror Spinnet in the scene. I changed it to Tonks. She is a crowd pleaser. Plus her abilities allowed her to be hell on a broomstick.

Scene 6 - Lavender was just a guilty pleasure. It humored me to put her in the position of being in charge of disaster response at Auror HQ. It also worked into the story the inequity of internships. The purebloods get really cool internships where they travel abroad on what amounts to government sponsored vacations. Halfbloods and Muggleborns - well they get jobs like a 12 hour back shift fireplace operator at Auror HQ and bed pan changer at St. Mungos. I was this close to using Luna instead of Lavender, but I thought it would too unrealistic and I have plans for Miss Lovegood. I don't think it will end well for her at all.

Scene 7 - Yeah I know the killer partonus has been done. Once again, I think I did it justice. I hate unkillable bad guys, who aren't the main bad guy. It's stupid and I promise in most fictions I write, there will be a way to kill dementors. It was a difficult scene to write. The kid in the van was originally a 9 yr old who was destined to be a Hogwarts student. Instead I ended up making him a 11 going on 12 yr old Ravenclaw. He'll pop up again later.

Scene 8 - Once again, I like a hands on Voldy. In the field giving orders. He knows he has the advantage here and wants to really run up the body count in additon to destroying a symbol of the ministry's power.

Scene 9 - Well it sets up the next chapter nicely. Four of the ministry's finest versus the Darklord. I promise mayhem on a grand scale.

All for now,
Jim

 

Now, I don't want you to get cocky, but this was SUPERB!!!

At times a little slow and jarring (sometimes you'd stay away from a character for too long then quickly cut back.)

Also, Cho could make a Patronus. She could make a Swan. It was her, Harry, and Hermione who could. BY the end Ron had a bulldog according to JKR, but that's only recent and not in the books. Canon, Cho has a swan, Hermione's otter, and Prongs.

I like how you're not making Susan VERY powerful just to have someone who is Harry's "equal". I've seen fics do this and it always seems stupid and forced. I think Harry should learn to apparate next. Its ridiculous that he could potentially be stranded anywhere. I'm not saying that he should have learned earlier, he couldn't have done so believably, but now? That should be next on his agenda. That and LOCKING DOWN OCCLUMENCY!!! Its no fun if Albus can just read his mind and know what's up. It removes all secret machinations and schemes that Harry could attempt. Speaking of which, Susie has gotta crack some books. Not Super! Girl, but basic knowledge.

Also, what are the consequences for Snape? :? Where was he during the Azkaban attack? HOw does he feel toward Harry in light of all that's happened?

I like your assertive Harry. Its pretty realistic. I still think Harry should have more anger towards Remus. Hermione, and Weasley's. (oibviously Dumbles too). Mot too much more, just less quietly accepting.

Great stuff! Update SOON!!!

 

Thanks for the praise. I know Cho could make her swan. Harry was referring to the DA members present in the room at the time. Hadn't heard about Ron's bulldog though that's news to me. Anyway, Harry had one of those teenaged fantasies when he started teaching the DA about how he would teach Cho how to do the patronus. I was fifteen once too!

Susan is strong, but she isn't an uberwitch. Now that she can do magic legally, she will be working harder. The disparity in power levels may eventually be a source of problems in their relationship. Harry is powerful, but not superpowerful. He is in both Voldy's and Dumble's league in raw power. The same way the Arizona Cardinals are in the same league as the Pittsburgh Steelers or Indy Colts. (To use an American Football reference) However there is a saying that goes "on any given Sunday."

I haven't really touched on Occulmency, but suffice to say with his on going mental tug of war with Voldy he is improving. Believe it or not I was already starting to address this. Help will come from a very unlikely source next chapter or the following one.

Snape is around. He was not part of the attack. However he will have some consequences to answer for very soon ... . I will say that the clock is ticking and he won't be able to play both sides for much longer.

As far as the anger levels go, he is applying his skill at Occlumency and for the rest blame the Abbott sisters, as Dumble's little emotional pressure relief valves.

 

I dig what your saying about Occlumency, but it feels like Occlumency removes the anger, rather than harnessing or controlling it. There is a slight difference, BUT its very important. Its one thing to say "Revenge is a dish best served cold," but Harry seems to act like, "Who needs Revenge when you can ignore the hurt with Occlumency and withstand any slight"

Essentially, Harry seems to be taking it on the chin rather than slowly getting angrier and assertive. I understand needing to work with Dumbles, but how about not doing EVERYTHING that the old man says? Where is that piss and vinegar we saw in the beginning? Let's show a LITTLE more strain on their relationship, and Harry at least REACTING to everything that has happened. (The Hermione thing was great. She probably would have gone, but at least Harry showed some Anger.)

UPDATE SOON!!![/i]

 

Well remember that Harry hasn't seen Dumbles since the will reading. He is plenty angry, but he has dementors and other problems at the moment. Old immature Harry would blow up at everyone around him, new Harry is saving his rage for the lemon drop sucking asshole. To some extent that is where the snap at Hermione came from. He was more snapping at her because of her support for Dumbles.

Also had the Supreme Mugchump been there, it is doubtful he would want Harry to run out on a dementor hunting mission in the midst of the first real battle of the second war? Harry pretty much ignored Molly Weasley's rant much to Bill's envy. Harry didn't blow up at her, because ignoring her is what irks her the most. From cannon and fannon, I have always got the impression that "no one ignores Molly Weasley!" Plus he sees her as part of the Dumbledore scheme.

To answer your early post about apparating, he has been doing side-alongs at every opportunity. Remember Harry learns by experiencing magic, but basically he is going to use Remus's guilt against him. It will be something along the lines of, "Fine if you want to make it up with to me, well start teaching me apparation."

 

Very interesting chapter. My favorite of all was the Azkaban siege. In most stories, they just have an Auror or Order member come running in and saying "Azkaban's been taken!" Has to be the most original capture i've seen in fanon. And as to the Necrodragon, that was a brilliant idea! Voldy riding a broom? I'm sure that image is laughable. But Voldy riding a dead dragon? Now that's something everybody can fear. I must commend you on your originality of Voldemort. He's a hands-on guy in your fic. A guy that like to be in the forefront of all the action. After all, he did inspire a reign of terror, right? He can't do that by just sitting on a throne and having all his followers do all the dirty work.

Oh, and the way harry inspired susan to cast the patronus was very interesting as well. Good thing you had ginny on the background, seething.

Harry's becoming powerful is very believable. I'm just thinking maybe you could have him learn more stuff? Occlumency, new spells, borderline dark arts, apparating... Stuff like that. I'm sure it'll all come in time though. Good work with the chapter!

 

Has anyone thought to have Harry give the Weasley's a mosoleum? I can see inside are places for all seven children and a sign over the door that says Coddled To Death By Matriarch.

 

Aura - Thank you for your comments. I am in complete agreement that in most other stories somebody comes in the room and says "There's been a prison break at Azkaban!" There is so much wasted potential there! Especially if you want to write combat.

Harry will be working on things. Remember he has only been an adult and legally able to practice magic since the will reading. Thats about 10 hours in Harry's time. Its on his list to do, though. The dementors have him busy right now.

Treck - LOL that's a good one. Maybe the power he knows not is to have Molly adopt Voldy and coddle him to death!

 

i can imagine molly running up to voldy and giving him a bone crushing hug, voldemort would probably faint from shock and harry would just stab him or something. I have to agree with the idea of a hands on voldemort, it is so much fun to read about a voldy that is a complete idiot or actually joins in on his raids..

 

Actually Voldy would probably choke on his own vomit. Ron would get jealous that someone else was getting attention, Ginny would be irate that the new family member once possesed her. The twins would no doubt try some innane prank on him. Percy would be cool with it, because the ministry hasn't admitted that he has returned. (At least in cannon. In my story Percy would be a bit upset for obvious reasons.)

 

haha yea but ginny might be happy that someone more famous than harry potter has come along and she would probably hump his leg and follow him around for a while, and Mr. Weasley would try and get voldy interested in plugs, cars, or other muggle things..

 

It's a damn good story! It's more than likely one of the better Harry/Susan storys out there.

 

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ron and bucky the beaver is so dumb

 

Like what you did with Harry's statement right before heading off to battle but it sounded a little childish, yet understandable. He was right in saying that Hermione would not have gotten in trouble for defending muggles from an attack, I can't see Hermione's or Ron's friendship lasting for much longer. As for "Leech" well, that ship has been torpedoed, shelled, and struck by an iceberg. Hope to see chapter 11 soon.

 

Merkava3 - Well hopefully by the time it is done you will say that it is one of the better fanfictions out there.

Lord Dragon - Don't really know what to say.

Romulus - Its going to take some work on Hermione's part to repair the breech. Harry doesn't have time for it. Ron on the other hand, what has he done? No way his mom was going to let him go. He can't make a corporeal patronus. I am actually going to try and put Ron in the bizarre role of trying to play peacemaker between Harry and Hermione. Obviously not his forte, it should be funny. Leech may still have a trick or two up her sleeve but Susan can legally use magic.

Chapter 11 is half done. I have already gotten through the hard part. The rest is downhill. It will be up by the weekend.

My rant for this week is I decided since I had an account there already, I attempted to submit my story to mugglenet. Well sure enough I received my rejection letter. Apparently my comma usage is off. My dialouge has errors and my spells need to be in italics. Now I know what happened to all those people who were serious English majors in college! Apparently, well written fanfiction is that which follows all the rules that I haven't used in 18 years. To me well written is something I want to keep reading. As Dennis Miller would say, "That's my opinion, I could be wrong."

I apologize for any grammatical errors in this post.
Jim

 

Agreed, who the hell cares if you miss a comma? I mean a lot of "great authors" don't follow some simple grammatical error (i can't remember who but in school last year i read a novel where the author used / instead of apostrophe's) it doesn't make the writing bad. Writing is bad if you lack description, action, and charm not if you miss a comma or use the wrong form of there..

 

I don't mind having my story looked over, FairyQilan does a spectacular job. The difference is that she said she would do it and it was my choice to have the story beta read before I post on FF.net. I should point out that FQ did not beta until like chapter 5 or 6. She didn't look at chapter 1 except as a reader.

What bugs me is that they see it as a requirement to post to their site. It smacks of elitism, then again if you look at their stats you will see that they have 4450 stories and 27000 authors. Even to assume that each author only had one story, then roughly 1 in 7 actually have managed to get a story up. It may still show up on mugglenet. I contacted one of their certified beta guild. If he/she is willing to dot my i and cross my t's then it will show up there. It appeals to the slytherin in me. Of course if they read this, they will probably tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine.

Anyway, I haven't heard back from Astronomy Tower. I submitted it on the Friday. Jury is still out on putting it up on ficwad. It doesn't seem like it gets a lot of traffic. If I am going to post it somewhere else, I'd like for it to be actually read and not just a place to put up a backup copy in case the moderators on ff go mental.

So what do you think of Moody's plan? It sounds pretty good to anyone who doesn't know about a certain prophecy. Stay tuned for copious amounts of Voldy in chapter 11.

Jim

 

The jury's out at FicWad?

Really?

Putting up my story was incredibly easy for me, and it went up in a few seconds, really. The only downside is that if, like me, you are ignorant as to how an html version of your story is created, then you ahve to physically cut/paste the story into a box there.

Then, you have to go through it and use html scripts...which i recently learnt how to use, to make sure that the bold and italics parts of the story appear.

Good luck with that, though. I like the story.

 

I think you misunderstand. I don't mind putting it up on Ficwad, I hesitate because it looks like no one goes there. I have only seen a couple of stories there that are in double digits as far as reviews go. Its not that I crave the interaction, but seriously if I am doing this I wouldn't mind it if people actually read it! That's why I was leaning more towards Astronomy Tower.

That's my only problem with Ficwad. Maybe they just need more fiction up there. I dunno. What do you guys think? Are you getting a decent number of hits on your story?

Jim

 

I have about 1500 hits on my story...not that much, but it's only been about a week since my fic went up on FicWad.

FFNet i have about 6200 hits.

You have a point about the reviews though...i only have like 10 on FicWad and nearly 60 on FFNet.

It's cool though, because apparently on FicWad people read the story, but don't give you useless reviews. Out of the ten that i have there, only two or three are the typical "OMG, OMG, OMG.........OMG. UPDATE!!!!11!11!1!!"

FFNet? Not so smooth...at least half of them are one-liners.

Sry...from your earlier post, i understood that you submitted your fic at FicWad, but that the server or whatever was taking time to actually post it up.

My opinion? Do it anyways...people who don't read AFF.Net since it has a plethora of slash that utterly outnumbers hetero fics will appreciate being able to read your fic at another site that allows NC-17 material.

I doubt you'd get a ton of reviews, but you probably net a good 20 reviews a day from FFNet anyhow.

I'm not all that keen on FictionAlley...I find it a bit hard to navigate, and there isn't (to the best of my knowledge...which is 6 months old) any way to search fics according to the ship.

Your call, mate.