damn that was one crazy chapter....

tonks getting raped opened my eyes...alluded to jack the ripper as well...

fast paced chapters, makes the wait inbetween worthwhile..

 

Glad you liked the chapter. I am limiting myself to a chapter every two weeks, so it isn't rushed. It gives IP82, FQ and Killginny009 a chance to poke holes in my thought process and correct me when I don't quite have it right. That's why I want to be 5 or 6 chapters ahead on my second story before I put anything up.

I am really surprised no one has ever mentioned Jack the Ripper before in their stories. You would think such an iconic figure in English history would merit a storyline here or there. BTW when I get to the political aspect of the story one of the deceased family lines that the Potter family absorbed the vote into their powerbase was Cromwell. I always thought the fact that they dug him up a couple of years after he died and hacked him to pieces would play well in the Potterverse, plus he tried to abolish Christmas. If any historical figure in English history could have been a wizard it was him.

Jim

 

Oliver Cromwell? It could do good.

 

omfg! That has gotta be by far, the best siege and capture of Azkaban i have ever read! Seriously, the way you capture the gritty realism, the emotions involved, the horrors of war... I was just like, WOW! The whole siege was well thought out and very realistically written. I especially liked the whole duel between Dawlish, V, Moody and Shacklebolt. I could care less if Shack died but Moody? I really hope you're gonna make up for his death with something... V taking out Moody's eye for a trophy was interesting as well.

Tonks was raped? I'm not really a big fan of her so i could care less. The way how you wrote the scene was good. I especially liked the part where V casted that spell on Tonks to preserve her in Bella's younger body. Very interesting to say the least. I can't wait to see how the order and the rest of the people are gonna take to having a younger Bella.

How you brought Jack the Ripper into the story was unique as well. Jack was a Malfoy? How extraordinarily unique! I was reading with a huge smile on my face when it described how Malfoy got off the charges and went off a free man. Hell, you could do anything if there's just enough loopholes in the law.

“Greetings to all of you. Now which of you happens to be Sturgis Podmore?” I found this line especially amusing, especially when i read that Podmore was a hamster animagus.

Good job. MORE!

 

Before I go into my ultra picky mode, my general impression of this fic is that it is good (Exceeds Expectations in potterverse terms). You have good ideas and the writing style isn't too terrible. Now I've only read up to chapter 7 as I'm very tired and it's getting very late. But well done so far, one of the only fics out there worth reading and from me that's high praise).

Now onto the nitty-gritty. I'll say things only once but it' most likely that it's happened in every chapter.

Chaptr 4:

Slight OOC-ness there. It's not in Harry's character to attempt to hurt anyone who isn't evil, joking or not. It's just not who he is. He's very serious when it comes to these things, one reason why all those MWPP fics that have Harry as the fifth marauder don't work. I'm sorry but if you want us to take Harry seriously as a worthy opponent to Voldemort, you've got to keep him in character. I know the counter-argument this will be that he's a teenager but if you study his charatcer you'll see that this kind of sentence doesn't escape him - it's more of a Ron thing.

This goes for all chapters: your Beta isn't doing a great job at all I'm afraid. There are glaring mistakes everywhere that kind of distracts the reader as we lose track of where we are. Tell your beta off and tell him/her to pay more attention to corrections.

Seems unrealistic for a Dark Lord to make such rookie mistake, no matter how minor he may be. I think you need to flesh out your battle scenes out a bit more. You've got the general idea right but you just need to refine your technique. The best teacher is experience. Try to use wordless spells maybe and see how that works, it may work better.

Lmfao. Self congratulatory words may give off the wrong vibes to some readers. Personally I love it, it shows self-confidence and charisma. But overall I agree with you, it was a good chapter.

Chapter 5:

Nice description but this is just plain wrong. Bella doesn’t wear make-up and doesn’t look immaculate. The effects of Azkaban can’t be hidden by make-up or anything else.

Overall this chapter is even better than the last but be careful with the length of your ANs, we all know how much ff.net love to use any excuse to delete good fics.

Chapter 6:

PLEASE have visible scene breaks or make it completely obvious in some ways when the scenes changed. The scene changing is, to be blunt, poor. I'm immersed in a scene with Voldemort before Neville suddenly pops up. It's such a simple thing to fix but it mkes all the difference.

Perhaps refine the fluidity of the chapters. It's as if you've written a few different scenes at completely different times and then just copied and pasted them together in one document. Phrases like "The screams of terror echoed through the night but did nothing to deter the peacefully sleeping Neville Longbottom" You can do much better than that if you think for a while but it honestly makes all the difference.

Don’t make the narration too chatty. I've told this to so many people I've lost count. Just don't do it. There are better examples dotted around that I forgot to highlight but just keep your narration less informal at all times. You're definitely better than most in this aspect but just keep it consistent.

Chapter 7:

Get your Beta to choose your chapter titles, they’re lacking in…magic at the moment.

:lol: Sorry couldn't resist... >_>

Percy’s completely out of character. This is someone who’s grown up to fear Voldy above all else. His attitude is completely bizarre. Almost... I would advise you to rewrite this scene.

Ooh Voldy as Penelope’s Godfather – very interesting!!

-Yes there's a lot of criticism there but 'This iz a gr8 story, plz update soon!!!' wouldn't help you in the slightest (and I've spent a fucking long time writing this lol). I wouldn't write this much if I didn't care about this fic, remember that.

-My conclusion so far is that you have a talent for writing but need to look closely at SPG (Spelling, Punctuation, Grammar) in order to make it read better. I promise you if you learn from the advice you're given in your reviews your writing will improve drastically. I would rate this fic in the Top 10 of my current WIP reads - that's high praise.

-If any of the above points have been dealt with in chapters 8-11 then just ingore it. I'll read them whenever I get the time (hopefully tomorrow). I'm going to bed now...

:cheers: G'night.

 

Maybe your avatar is Sturgis?

Seriously, thanks for the kind words. Battles are dirty ugly things. Bad things happen to good people. Expect all sides to be lashing out at each other; the ministry, voldy, ootp and Harry. Voldy isn't winning as spectaculary as he thinks. The dementors will be plenty upset that their numbers are diminished. The vampires well I will get to that later...

Sturgis - he will be around next chapter.

You'll be surprised who pays for Moody and Shack's death. I'll give you a hint - he didn't tell them about a certain prophecy.

I hope you and the rest here could picture the smirk on Jaques Malfoy's face as he handed his Warrant for Spell Creation over during his hearing. Its readers like you who catch the innuendo that make it worth putting the innuendo in!

Jim

 

Master S - Thank you for your nit picking. I don't mind it one bit. In defense of my beta, she started I believe at chapter 6. So anything before then is completely on me. I realize it has been 17 years since my last English class and my grammar and punctuation are a bit rusty. Spell check gets me out of alot of jams though!

I'll accept your statement about Harry not joking about hexing Seamus, however take into account that Seamus is currently running 4 betting pools based on either Harry's misfortunes or his ineptitude at dating. Further consider that for the first half of the preceeding year, Seamus was not very nice to Harry based on his mother's opinions and I actually could see it.

As for the good chapter thing, well by that point I was becoming more confident in my skills and abilities to the point where I am certain that I will not put out crap.

In chapter 5, I will respectfully disagree. Bella's been out since January and if those Extreme Makeover shows can do wonders with people in a few months, I reckon that if you toss in a bit of magic it can only improve. The authors notes from the early chapters will probably be removed. As soon as IP82 told me about this wonderful site, I stopped posting AN in the story and put them here in a shameless move to drive more traffic to the nice people who run this site! :cheers:

I will go back and add Scene breaks to earlier chapters. As you can see, they are present in the later chapters.

Percy the other white meat? I love that chapter title! It is probably out of context for the story, but I can't bring myself to change it. As for rewriting the scene, you have a point. It is the scene I am least impressed with when I reread the story. Before I start each chapter I reread the story from the beginning in an effort to stay consistent.

Thanks again for the long review. I look forward to your opinions of the next chapters.

Jim

 

Thoughts....

Ok, I have one small, but potentially major, nitpick. Lavender's comment about her cousin Emmeline Vance "working" for Dumbledore. !?!?! Why the hell would she know that? Aside from the fact that Lavender's a HUGE gossip, I thought that the whole point of having a secret organization to fight evil is that you DON'T tell everyone! I can see Scrimgeour knowing about the Order, he's the head of the Aurors after all so he probably ran into them a few times even if he was never invited to join. But Lavender?

Also, this isn't a nitpick but more of a request. Don't have that much back and forth between Harry and Susan. I can understand the fight they had in this chapter and I know that it won't be a bed of roses for them for a while. But please don't have them doing the constant back and forth that so many authors have between Harry and whoever they write as his girlfirend. That's what turned me off Harry/Ginny so much.

 

Finally! An author who can take construictive critisms!

Chapter 8:

You've definitely upped your game here, it's on a different level to the rest of the story (so far) so well done on that.

Outstanding scene with Ginny at the beginning. It was original and captivating.

However that scene with Susan was a bit corny. It was like a low-budget romance film tbh.

Nooo! Never ever use "nice" unless you have to, especially when describing something like a kiss. Speaking of the kiss, did you have to put it in Susan's perspective? As a male, it was just ergh... C'mon man, let's not have a repeat of that. Please?

Still not feeling you’re executing the scenes to the best of your potential; it seems like you’re holding something back and it just feels a bit incomplete...I dunno, it's almost as if you're giving us the cut version of events. We want the full, uncut version!!

Oh no, please don't have a Harry/Susan marriage in a month, please. It'd be the same as any other H/G except replacing the name 'Ginny' with 'Susan'.

Not a term anyone in England would use, it's very, very American and sticks out like a thumb. This is a personal pet peeve of mine and it really does take away fom the scene.

Once again, just keep the americanisms out of it, HP is set in Britain. Replace with "Urgh!" + "Mum"

Interesting twist with Lily's past, very interesting. Hope you build on that.

Very good chapter overall. A stronger Exceeds Expectations. Oh dear, my break is over, I'll read the rest tonight hopefully.

 

RedViking - The simpilest explanation is for me to ask this question, how do you think the OOTP gets its information about the movements of the Death Eaters? Lavender has been feeding Emmeline what she has been finding out since she started there. Lavender is in a bit to much shock at what has just happened and could not think of a logical explanation for calling her cousin about the dementors. Since her supervisor knew about the OOTP (not mentioned in the story), she rationalized that the Director must also know.

Does that adequately answer your question?

Jim

 

Master S - I haven't had a Brit picker up until now, except someone who pointed out that the parker brothers boardgame Clue is called Cluedo in the UK. When I go back and do the scene breaks on other chapters, I will take a hard look at my word usage.

I look forward to what you have to say about chapter 9. It generated some of the most thoughtful discussion thus far. As you will see I ran with the Lily storyline and turned it into something that really hasn't been seen before. At least if it has, no one has seen fit to tell me yet.

Jim

 

How will you know when you're using americanisms I wonder?

Chapter 9:

“blah blah blah,” she said.

“Blah blah blah.” She went over to the other side of the room.

That's not a quote from your fic, it's exampls of the correct usage. Be careful with speech.

Too much switching between scenes, you don't want to overwhelm or confuse the reader. I would lower the number of Voldemort scenes, a few of them don't add much to the fic. Scene breaks aren’t an excuse to add little comments by the way!

Very nice take on why Dursleys hate Harry, I love it! I guess it's kind of a marmite scene but I'm definitely on the love side.

It's true, you didn't! You really didn't! Why oh why? I've heard of whirlwind relationships but this just takes the cake!

Susan – she’s very strange. I think you need to decide on what her charcter’s going to be like quickly. Is she an emotional, slightly ditzy teenager or is she a strong, respectable person? You can’t have both, they’re polar opposites.

Overall a good chapter with some excellent bits but I was, quite frankly, very bored with the Voldemort and Pettigrew bit. The parts with Harry are much more exciting than the bits with Voldemort. There are other minor things but I'm too tired to mention them. Oh! Cliches... yeah, there are quite a few of them but as this is near the beginning of the fic, they're just about on the right side of excusable.

 

Yet again, I don't like his Harry, Dumbledore and Susan bits that much (that is, they are not exceptional), but I just love the way he writes Voldemort and evil characters in general. I guess different people like different things...

 

As people point out the Americanisms in my fic, I will note them and go back to correct them.

As for the number of Voldy scenes, he is vying with Harry to be the main character. I think that one of the bits that is separating my fic from the rest is my take on the Dark Lord. I find it ridiculous that others would actually follow a straight cannon Voldemort. (I refer to him as the 'psychotic throne humper'.) In an earlier post I said something like I've gone too far if I do a scene with Voldy on the crapper reading graffitti.

At the same time, I am trying to do something other than snivelling Peter. As a character he is always so pigenholed. Everyone spends so much time examining the motivations of Severus Snape, but few actually try to look in the mind of a man who knowingly betrayed his friends, lived in hiding for many years and then assisted in Voldemort's resurrection. IMO so many author's waste the potential there.

Susan, I will admit to struggling with. Mainly since I am a guy, I am trying to put myself in Susan's mind. It doesn't always work. All I can do is continue to work on her and hope the end product doesn't resemble generic Ginny or overused Hermione. I have many people on the other side of the fence that say Susan isn't emotional enough given she witnessed her mother and aunt's murders. In short, I would like to think that Susan is a strong respectable person who is also capable of being an emotional person prone to an outburst or two. Isn't that what Harry is?

Still undecided on when they will tie the knot. The chapters do not seem to be advancing the fictional calendar at a very quick rate. Part of my rationale for even attempting this was my desire to poke fun at all the cliches. If I could find a realistic way to include time travel back to the Marauders time just to make fun of all those stories I would. I don't forsee it happening.

Anyway thanks for the tips and thoughtful discussion. Sometimes I admit when I am wrong, others I will defend my creation tooth and nail.

Jim

 

I love your Voldemort, Harry, and Susan. I not such big fans of Hannah and her sister. (Woody Allen MOvie, "Hannah and her Sisters"...Bad joke, but I'm serious.)

I understand why they are there, but I don't like them too much, and I feel like they are too pushy and are unnecessary. Push them more into the background. Eh, this chapter they were barely in there.

I liked that Tonks wasn't treated mercifully, and your depiction of VOldemort.

I don't know. I'll write more later.

 

Never thought of that but i do agree, the quick marriage is basically what all the corny h/g authors do..

 

Chapter 12 up but only on Ficwad

Chapter 12 is up on www.ficwad.com. FF.net seems to be having some problems uploading my document. Feel free to jump over to ficwad to see the latest installment. I will post my author's notes here tomorrow, when I make my next effort to post onto ff.net.

Jim

 

There's just one thing: Susan's transition. After Harry's caught doing the unfogiveables, I think she rreverses too quickly from angry too acceptng.

Susan sighed. Her earlier anger at Harry swiftly becoming a distant memory. "You are right, Harry. I know it; it's just that from the time I was first able to hold a wand it's been drilled into me that those curses are 'Unforgivable'. I watched that curse end both my Mum and Aunt's life. How can you not expect me to react poorly seeing you use them?"

 

I'll have to agree with Chuck, thats the only bad thing about it.


What I like is you actually use Sturgis. I have never seen him used in a fic before.


Overall good chapter, patiently await the next one.

 

I had more to add, but I couldn't see what I was typing on the screen (whacky monitor)

Anyway, The other stuff I loved. Susan's tranistion was a little too fast and awkward. What I think happened was you made Susan too clingy in the previous chapter, and tried to backpedal here, but went to far in the other direction. We're not talking about Susan discovering that Harry fantasizes about threesomes, or that he even fucks his fangirls. We are talking about her discovering that Harry killed a vampire (understandable) and tortured another one (excessive in my opinion). Harry could have easily used a "lumos solarium" especially in your story as you said that sunlight won't kill them. I mean, clearly these are beings with souls that are sentient. Susan being "okay" with Harry torturing one just because its technically "legal" doesn't sit right with me. And if it is how you want to portray than it raises serious questions about Susan's intellect, open-mindedness, and her willingness to accept what others say (which is possible considering how quickly she accepts the ethical justification of Umbridge, not a well known moral authority)

This does not mean by any stretch that I am disappointed by this story. I LOVE it. In fact, I, like most readers probably, will ignore this whole interlude and just chalk it up to a slight "jump the shark" and move on.

I wasn't sure about Sturgis's animagus ability at first, but you made it work in a reasonable way. Why didn't Scrimgeour see that Harry had created a portkey? That was technically his last spell, and that's gotta be damn impressive coming from a 5th year. Harry needs to learn to apparate. ASAP. He can't be taken seriously until he can. Its the wizarding equivalent of a driver's licence.

Lastly, who are the other people who can do a level 5 spell in Britain (as this is where the war will be fought)?

4 I can figure out. Harry, Voldemort, Dumbles, and Bella (I don't want to give the chapter away, but according to you Bella is the most powerful witch in the UK). This leaves 6 unanswered. These 6 people have gotta be HUGELY important in the upcoming war. Obviously, Harry, DUmbles, and Voldemort are more powerful, but these people are clearly VERY important. Was this an error, and you were just trying to illustrate Harry's power, or were you fore-shadowing?


GOOD LUCK!! UPDATE SOON!