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Abandoned Wand Runner by japanese_jew - M

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by japanese_jew, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. deathinapinkboa

    deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

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    Frankly, I found it impossible to get past the vault scene, Goblins just don't act like that. Everything about the fic seems overly O.C.

    I haven't read anything else by Japanese-Jew, so I won't judge based on this one fic, but it clearly needs some major reworking before it is readable.

    1/5
     
  2. Stalicon

    Stalicon High Inquisitor

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    And I say your a moron, but everyone is entitled to his or her opinion.

    4/5
     
  3. slasheh

    slasheh Seventh Year

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    nice start of a story, but it definitly needs to go further ;)
     
  4. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    It will move forward by tomorrow at 9 o'clock EST. I hope that the beta will have gotten back to me by then, but if not, then oh well.
     
  5. slasheh

    slasheh Seventh Year

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    cool. Though if you want some more feedback you could just post it in the work by author section and i am sure a few people will comment.
     
  6. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, but that commenting should always be taken with a grain of salt. Some will lambast aspects of the story that others will say are the fundamental parts that make the story great. It's always better to get the opinion of someone you trust, and you should trust your beta.

    Post #100!
     
  7. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    I liked it, although any story with Girl!Harry, thanks to Amerision, now gets get a good vote in my books.

    3.5/5
     
  8. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    I have updated. I tried something new with goblins. I took everything deathinapinkboa hated about my goblin scene, and made it around a hundred times worse.

    Thank you,

    JJ
     
  9. Dark Lord Shabranigdo

    Dark Lord Shabranigdo Fourth Year

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    I haven't read it yet, but sounds a little like SilverAegis' Harry Potter and the Girl Who Lived. I love that story, so I should enjoy this one. I'll let you know.
     
  10. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Ok, look, it's got potential. But, seriously, you have to address how Harry ended up in this parallel world in the first place--that has to become a significant plot point within the next half-dozen chapters. It can't be just a spontaneous happening.
     
  11. Vayne

    Vayne Second Year

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    I'm actually kinda in agreement with DarkSov on this one. I think that Harry adapted to the whole "I don't think we're in Kansas any more" thing a little too quickly, or rather he didn't adapt at all. He just went straight from "Why do I have a gender-switched clone?" to "Oh, I'm in the bizarro world. 'kay". There didn't seem to be any sort of reasoning behind why he's so unfazed by not being in his own universe, or concern for said universe, or him giving any thoughts as to getting back, or even mid- to long-term plans for what he'll do in this one other than a vague and mostly-unexplained notion of "Help Hera". Him randomly creating fake personae suffers the same lack of explanation; sure it's a useful skill, but why is he developing it? Similarly the whole rings scene seemed somewhat surreal; you may hit it off with a stranger instantly, maybe enough to invite them into your home, but do you then go over your accounts with them?

    Overall I'd rate this fic as 2/5 at the moment. The large-scale plot looks great, but it's really begging for refinement when it comes to the smaller details and how/why they fit into the big picture.
     
  12. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

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    Personally, I kinda like the fact that he's not worrying so much and generally stumbling around trying to figure out what's going on. It seems like in every fic where he suddenly turns up in an AU he spends the entire fic worrying about getting back instead of trying to adapt.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2007
  13. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    I also have very specific reasons for him trying to adapt. He's a survivor.
     
  14. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Oh. Right. Survivor. That'll excuse it.

    Come on, man. It's completely ok to want him to be able to adapt, becuase that IS a part of his personality--but, there has to be a realistic interest in WHY he suddenly ended up where he is, because he's not the sort to ignore strange happenings. I'm not arguing with your goals, rather the means of getting there. There HAS to be confusion, seeing as how, really, what's happened is pretty much the LEAST likely thing to happen.

    Let's be honest here--Harry is generally an introvert. He doesn't make friends easily, he likes spending time alone. He's quiet, and the sort to look in from the sidelines and make observations about the world around him in an unlikely situation before heading in, rather than just jumping in as though everything's normal. It's really unlikely that he'd just start talking to a random person off the street, regardless of any resemblance.
     
  15. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    You don't seem to understand that "I have very specific reasons for him wanting to adapt" is the main part of my comment, and "He's a survivor" is an afterthought. Canon Harry is not a survivor in the least, he's just ridiculously lucky. If he was a survivor, he'd be ruthless, Pettigrew would be dead. Because he's compassionate, Pettigrew is alive and kicking, and as stated by the prophecy, Harry is, in fact, not living, and ergo, not surviving. This is listed under Alternate because it is an alternate universe. Not because Harry is travelling to an alternate universe.

    Edit: I will address how Harry is where he is, DarkSov, but it would be ruining all of the fun of the story to explain this early on. Maybe in three chapters.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2007
  16. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Yes, but the main point I'm trying to address (and may have mispoken of) is that Harry's quick, seemless acceptance of the truth of his situation--regardless of whether or not he actually has a means of immediately understanding his situation--is just about completely out of character. I referrence The Dimension Shift as what I think Harry's response to suddenly finding himself in a different world would be.

    I just don't see much caution in this Harry--and Harry has always had a mix of wary caution and blind courage that drives his actions, at least in my eyes.
     
  17. Vayne

    Vayne Second Year

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    [Canonwhoring]
    1. Harry saved Pettigrew not out of mercy but because a) They needed him alive to prove Sirius' innocence and b) Having his soul sucked out by dementors was a much worse punishment than simply killing him.
    2. The Prophecy states "Neither shall live while the other survives." indicating there's a difference between the two, but that both Harry and Voldemort are surviving.
    [/canonwhoring]

    Japanese_jew: The point that both me and DarkSov seem to be trying to make here isn't that we're concerned over the lack of explanation for how Harry got to the Heraverse, it's that we're concerned over Harry's lack of concern. When he first meets Hera he has no idea that he's not in his own world any more, yet he takes meeting someone who appears to be his female body double and who claims to have lived his own life completely at face value, with not shock or surprise or, most importantly, doubt. You could argue that as a survivor he would play along with her not knowing who he is and hide any such feelings, and fair enough, but he doesn't just hide them, he doesn't feel them at all. Then, he gets in contact with other people in this universe and discovers that he's the odd one out there, and once again not only does he perfectly calmly accept this, he does so without ever considering what that actually means. He gives no thought to how he got there, or getting back, or even considering whether he wants to get back or not. He doesn't even think for a second about the fact that in this new world all the people he knows and cares about have no idea who he is. Sure he's not a very social person in his own universe, but can you really see him just casting aside everyone there with no thought whatsoever?

    Possibly you have an explanation for why this is the case that will clear up these issues, but if that's the case then, given that this fic is being told 'as it happens' then that explanation is long overdue; we should have heard at least parts of it when he first ran into Hera.
     
  18. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    Meh. You'll see it eventually. The entire plot is based around it, so it would be ruining the fun to tell you.
     
  19. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Oh, well then, I hope you have fun, because that seems to be the only thing going on in this one.

    Well put, Vayne. A more concise means of description I could not write myself.
     
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