Title: Who Dares Wins
Author: OlegGunnarsson
Rating: M
Genre: Drama/Adventure
Status: Work-in-progress
Library Category: The Alternatives
Pairings: Harry P./Susan B.
Summary: Harry Potter has been training himself and his friends for months, in preparation for this day. Today, his war begins when Voldemort plans a trap for him at the Department of Mysteries - only it's Harry who has the upper hand, until a trio of faces from his past make a very unwelcome return. Grey!Harry, Military!Harry. A subversion of DZ2's Prodigal Son Challenge.
Link:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13182638/1/Who-Dares-Wins

The first 'Military Harry' combined with the standard WBWL formula story I've read. Harry grows up in Privet Drive and befriends a retired military official before Hogwarts that teaches him the Art of War basically. There's mild Dumbledore and general Potter family but I think it's realistic for what the story is going for. Technical writing is good, minor inappropriate capitalizations but nothing too serious. There are a few tropes (Lords, Heirs and Heiresses, Manors, Blood Feuds, Regents, etc) but nothing super overwhelming. Good friendships with Ron, Hermione, Neville, Sirius, and Susan Bones. Also includes different third-person POVs of Slytherin characters which is a refreshing change of pace.

3.5/5, rounding up to 4.

 

This is... really bad.

There is nothing blaringly wrong with the story's grammar or spelling. That is the best that can be said for it.

There are three failures which are so consistent and overwhelming as to make the story unreadable. They are 1) an avalanche of exposition, 2) a shifting perspective, and 3) wooden dialogue.

1)

2 and 3) To spare you any more pain, I will give a quotation which combines what I mean by both 2 and 3.

And it keeps getting worse. I couldn't read much past there, though I'm not halfway through the chapter.

Maybe it gets better, maybe I'm missing out on a gem, maybe it becomes an Epic for All Time... But I doubt it.

2/5

 

Blood feuds, Lordships AND The Art of War. This sounds awful.

 

That sounds like an excellent idea, thank you!

 

Muggle military/government wank? Check
Muggle weapons? Check
Basilisk AKA blatant muggle armor ripoff? Check
Houses and weird and laughable rituals which are even formalized in wizarding government? Check
Hand to hand combat, helpful goblins? Check
Convenient oaths? Check
The writing is passable but the plot is a combination of unoriginal concepts into something that requires one to suspend their disbelief to read through the story. Even the dialogue isn't original with liberal use of the word "pup" that one cannot find in canon and only in fanon. Honestly, the most impressive part about the story is that it didn't descend into Ron bashing as well.

As such, 2/5.

 

Telling someone not to read a fic put up for review?