I looked over Midknight's Challenge, paying particular attention to the Lord Azkaban don'ts he has listed. I have a few ideas, but can't seem to get this puppy off the ground. Probably, I need to mix up a few more things and move one or two things out of the picture. Would someone would like to help me get this critter down on paper before it gnaws my head off?

If you interested, please post here to let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

 

i would be more than happy to help you. just tell me what you want me to help you on since goodness knows i got alot of time.

 

You see, I have this idea where (instead of Harry inheriting Azkaban blah blah) Voldemort and the DE's demolish Azkaban (and add the Dementors to their ranks) as they free le' Dark Lords followers still in there.

Harry (who now has a spine thanks to Sirius death showing him the reality of the situation) decides to expand the DA into a much bigger organization. With the money in his vault, he (quietly) buys the now rubble filled island of Azkaban from the Ministry (who don't want to spend the money to rebuild Azkaban) and hires some people to build a new Azkaban, no longer a prison, but a training ground for the DA (under a new name, haven't picked one yet).

Now, Harry and those who have joined him, will train to defeat Voldemort. They won't be going back to school. I haven't decided whether to make this Manipulative!Dumbledore or anything like that. The OotP possibly might be absorbed into newly re-named DA.

I want some help hammering out the details and putting this on paper (computer).

 

no effance but that's way too cleche. first of all the the ministry will be there all over the place and the kid is just that a kid. secondly that idea of your has been already used. and why would voldermont want to blow up the fortress. he can always use it for something else.

besides when your starting that fic you should start when harry is getting ready to leave before the last few week of school is up. besides harry has to look after the other followers and learn him self. no, even if you go with that idea there just a bunce of school kids who doesn't even know what they are getting them selves into.

besides harry wouldn't want to endanger any of his friends especially when almost all of his friends got killed in the DOM.

besides you shouldn't rush into things imediatly.

 

Oh...I didn't realize that was cliche'...nevermind...I'll just go back to the drawing board then. Thank you for pointing those issues out to me.

 

Thank you for your support. I appreciate your input, and will be sure to ask for your help again.

^_^ It'll give you something to occupy all that time you have.

 

Honestly, I don't believe thats incredibly cliche at all and I think its a very good idea. Authors are far too focused on completely avoiding every so called cliche that their stories just begin to have bucketloads of WTF moments.
If you do decide to keep this up instead of going back to the drawing board, then you need to iron out a few details.
Ok, Harry is going to train the DA in Azkaban. Pretty cool. Except, wait a sec, don't the DA have parents? No parent is going to allow their child to run off to an island Voldemort has just attacked with what the press are currently calling a lying lunatic (Harry.) Add to that the fact that you say they won't go back to Hogwarts (I applaud you for that decision.) and I doubt they will want their children to give up their magical education. Remember, the Wizarding World is almost blindly loyal to Dumbledore.

And secondly, wards. Dumbledore isn't going to take any crap just because Harry decides to be a rebel. He's going to get in there, and drag him back to school.
So, you could get Goblins to ward Azkaban but well, I really don't like much Goblin interaction in fics at all. Do what you want, but Harry seems to rely on Goblins to protect him, protect his friends, lie to Dumbledore in a few fics. The way I see it, Goblins are ambitious, they didn't get to being the only wizarding bank (Canonically) in England by helping customers who REMEMBER their names. Its just plain stupid. If you really do want Goblins to ward Azkaban (personally, I'd prefer you to bring Bill Weasley and his mates into the story) then remember the Goblins weakness is money. They are greedy folks.

Now, you say Voldemort and his Death Eaters demolish Azkaban. Ah, oh, wait. This probably should be the scene in the first chapter, the opening scene. Except, the readers will probably want an explanation as to why Azkaban is demolished instead of just taken. Canonically, the Dementors are guarding Azkaban. If Voldemort has Dementors in their ranks, there is no need to demolish Azkaban and instead should use it as a base of operations. Hell, he could even place Order members that he has caught as prisoners of war in Azkaban.
So, what I think you need to do, is explain that the Order and the Ministry got a tip off (Snape). Many authors portray the Ministry has a terrible Government, which is fine as that is implied in Canon (I think), but what I would like to see is Fudge being incompetent, but the Department of Magical Law Enforcement being efficient. If Voldemort has many Death Eaters, wouldn't the Ministry place a spy in Voldemort's ranks, probably an Unspeakable? Voldemort has people in the Ministry, what with Crouch and whatnot.
So yeah, the Order and the Ministry get a tip-off and they are ready for when Voldemort attacks. Voldy, seeing he won't be able to take it, decides to destroy it which could happen in umm, a few ways.

Death Eaters casting powerful spells at the same time, wards being destroyed, perhaps Dragons could be brought into to destroy the foundation, maybe even Voldemot would hire Squib engineers to place Muggle explosives. Voldemort despises Muggles, but he did grow up in a Muggle orphanage and just because he hates them, doesn't mean he he doesn't appreciate what they can do)

Ok, nearing the end of this I think. You are totally right, the Ministry probably wouldn't want to rebuild Azkaban. But add a little detail, nay? The Wizarding World is in a War! Families are scared, everybody is scared. The Aurors are probably mostly new, a few of them might be cowards. So, the Ministry is going to have to give them much higher wages to keep them. Hence, the Ministry not having much money left so they *can't* rebuild Azkaban.

Right, oldmagic says the Ministry would be all over it. I'm not so sure really. The Ministry aren't going to rebuild it, and Fudge is desperate for money to fund his election campaign and the war. Harry walks in, pretty rich guy, wants to buy a practically destroyed island. Bit of manipulation, bit of suggestion, bit of "Lets be allies", he'll have that island in no time. Once the wards are up, the Ministry can't get in, even if they would want to.

Really sorry about the long post, I hope the forum fits it. Just trying to help, and damn, I'm in a typing mood. Keep me updated, Thestral, please. Its an interesting idea, and I want to see how it goes.
Hope I helped -- Element.

EDIT: Sorry, missed a few things. Ok, you say they won't be going back to Hogwarts. Right, loving that idea. Except, you can only talk about the training regime so much. You need a few plot devices. This is exactly why so many Azkaban!Harry stories go back to Hogwarts - they need filler, they've run out of ideas. If you're serious about this fic, then plan the hell out of it before you even start writing. You could even write the ending so you know where you're heading too.
I'm not so sure what you can fit in these chapters. The world will be under attack so the newspapers will have a lot of deaths happening. Much of the DA (Susan Bones, for example) will not want to go train with Harry if they know that their parent's and relatives aren't safe. Harry is going to have to provide for Amelia Bones, the Changs, everyone. At least ward their houses.

If this story has a pairing (generally, readers like pairings, almost to the point of only reading stories with pairing) then the girl has to be as grown up as Harry. She needs to have a spine/ develop a spine during the course of the story. You could have her parents/relatives killed off so she grows up and looks to Harry for comfort. I'm not seeing Hermione in the role, I'll hurt you if its Ginny. I'd like to see Cho, but thats your choice. Perhaps a Hufflepuff, like Susan Bones. I can't actually remember who is in the DA right now, its been a while since I've read OoTP. That said, isn't the DA only like fifteen students? Harry and co. will have to do some recruiting, and get some of the Slytherin girls. Daphne, Blaise, Tracy, I'm totally biased towards them

Remember, the DA are teenagers. Not adults, they aren't incredibly mature, they're teenagers. You need a way to make them grow up. Don't kill off all their parents because thats just plain stupid, but you will need a way. There is going to be a lot of conflicting emotion/conflicting issues. Lot of anger flying about. 20 teenagers or so alone, training most of the day, probably not getting much sleep. Gonna be grumpy mutts

You could also have some mutinous-like friends. Ron (Yeah, I hate the git) could get his ego inflated by all the training, and begin to try to take control. When he can't, he flees to Dumbledore (who will know how to talk to him, he's a master of manipulation) and tells him everything he knows. Probably proclaims Harry is dark.

Anyhow, I think I've said everything but I'll probably remember a few things in a moment.

 

First off, write your ideas in a piece of paper. Ask 'what if's' and 'why's' during certain points. If you don't do that, you're gonna have a load of plotholes. Before you do a certain something, ask yourself "what would __ do? Why would he do it?" or something along those lines.

Interesting idea. I'm sure there are a few people here who'd be willing to help you.

Oh, and if you make this a H/G ship based on Midknight's challenge, you're probably experience

 

Thank you both for your advice! I've got some plotholes and details filled in now, and I just need to figure out some fillers and hammer out a few more details.

This looks like it's leaning towards Cho/Harry, but it could turn to something else when/if I find a better match.

If you could suggest some more slytherins to add to DA and a new name for it, that would be lovely. I don't believe Harry would want to call it Dumbledore's Army after Dumbledore gives him an earful of "It's not safe" "You need protectin' " "blah blah blah"

I'll be thinking of those too, but sometimes one just need a nudge in the right direction. Trying to think of a new name is making me hammer my head into a wall in frustration.

 

Not a problem.
Harry/Cho seems great to me, but I'm slightly biased Some Slytherins to add to the DA. Right.
There is Daphne Greengrass, Blaise Zabini (JKR says male, most of the fanon world says female), Tracey Davis. Other Slytherins..hmm.
Wait a sec -- right. Every Slytherin - Past and Present.
Keep in mind that most of these are Malfoy's buds/son of Death Eaters. You could use one of these son of Death Eaters as spies for Harry.

Harry won't want to keep calling it Dumbledores' Army, but keep it mind that the DA kind of stood for the Defense Association as well (I think ). If you can't come up with anything, just fall back on that. It works, and it gets the job done. Can't really come up with any new names though, but I keep thinking the word Legion =/ I'm not sure if that would actually fit, though.

EDIT: As pure usual, I think of something after I post. Anyway, I'm thinking here, you could get some students from outside Hogwarts. Beuxbatons, Durmstrang, anyone? If you do use Bill Weasley for the wards, he may start helping Harry. Fleur is dating Bill in OoTP (I think) so she would know about it too. Perhaps you could even get Gabrielle in the story.

 

[typing...]

...and done! Thank you so much Element! You are a massive help, and I award you the just made up Silver Thestral Award!

I've come up with a name, thanks to your suggestion of Legion, and want your opinion.

The Twilight Legion

Based on the imagery that the Dark Lord and followers are Dusk, while Ootp is Dawn. Harry's organization supports niether, but uses elements of both light and dark, therefore being Twilight.

I believe that this will be a Harry/Cho. It just...feels right. I myself don't care who is with who, but...my gut tells me "Oooh! Pick Cho!". At her current development (After OotP) it seems she is a good match for Harry, just need to prop her up a bit.

 

Again, no probs. Thanks for the award, I love made-up ones, I just gave myself one a second ago
The Twilight Legion is a pretty swish name, and I think it could even be used as the name of the fanfiction itself, if you so wish. The imagery you are using is very cool, and it gives a breath of fresh air to the old Dark and Light imagery.
It'll be interesting to see what Dumbledore makes of the Twilight Legion, especially if he doesn't know who they are and which side they fight for.
The Harry/Cho is great, and I think shes a pretty great character. Just make sure she isn't permanently crying like in OoTP, and have the fact that she is hanging around with Harry darken her and her beliefs.
You say Harry will be using both elements of magic, which is great. I expect to see a member (Ron?) and perhaps some others disagreeing with his use of dark magic and breaking away from him. Remember, some in the Wizarding World are brought up to despise Dark Magic, views that are pushed across by the Ministry and Dumbledore.

Looking forward to see what you can make out of this - Element.

EDIT: Do go into high detail of Azkaban, both before and after the attack (if you are writing the demolishing of Azkaban). Are there any bits of the building left? Are there corpses lying there, bones, snapped wands?

The sunlight reflected eerily off the pale accusing face of a corpse lying amongst the rubble, smeared with crimson blood. Harry fought down the urge to throw up as his foot accidentally brushed against a severed arm.

 

Okay, here's what I've got for the very first part. This is going to be a long first chapter. I plan on following it up with the OotP followed by the Ministry arriving on the scene. The end of the chapter involves the destruction of Azkaban. Harry will most likley enter at the beginning of the next chapter.

Tell me what you think. Oh, and if I mispelled something, let me know.

* * *

The Island of Azkaban
Dark, Cold, Barren, and Generally Unfriendly to All
Early Morning

Daren Hythanian stode among the cells, face plastered with a severe scowl as prisoners with some shred of sanity left hurled insults and jeer his way. He did not patrolling the upper levels of Azkaban, where those who commited the less severe crimes were kept. These were prisoners that did not looseloose thier minds as quickly as those below. A recent study suggested that the more severe crimes, or those who commited many crimes were affected by the dementors much more harshly, hence why this set of prisoners were still somewhat sane.

He did not like having this shift, the midnight shift among the topside criminals. The guard would have preferd strolling among the lower levels, grinning with pleasure at seeing those horrid people get what they deserve. Taylor had gottent that duty, and looking at his watch, it looked as if it was time to check back to the front desk. It was a security measure that had recently been put into affect, since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was seen in the Ministry.

Daren did not believe that crock of bull-pucky.

His theory was that Dumbledore had thrown an illusion to make it look like You-Know-Who to help his little poster boy gain some more credit for his ravings. Merlin, how he hated the Old Man's Golden Boy!

"Oh so perfect in everyway!" Daren spat aloud hatefully, drawing the attention of the cell occupents he strode by.

"I knew it! Hey, Grey! You owe me twenty sickles when we get out of here!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know! I just didn't think that Hycky here loved ya so much!"

"Shut you traps, Criminals! Or I'll shove my wand into your ribs with a well placed Blasting Curse!" Daren snarled as he turned on the prisoners behind him, face red with anger. He absolutley hated those two, as they found great sport is baiting him. Usually he wasn't at all bothered by thier insults, but thinking about Potter made his hackles raise in anger. Damn Potter! It was all his fault.

"I'd rather that you'd shove your wand in a much lower place" the criminal witch purred, moving her hips suggestively.

With a curse, Daren snapped a Reducto at the witch, turning away to head back to the front desk. Ignoring further heckling, Daren made it to the front desk ten minutes later, walking towards the pretty witch who stood behind it. The witch lifted her eyes up at his coming, and a smile lit her face.

"Daren! It's so good you survived your walk among the trash, I've been wanting to talk to you" the desk witch stated with a admiring tone. Daren's face cracked a smile as he looked at her in response, and he sauntered up to her.

"And what would a lovely lady such as you want with a rotten scoundrel like me?" her flited shamelessly, leaning against the desk. The witch giggled as she leaned in closer, her face near his. He could feel her breath on her face, smell the scent of her jasmine perfume, and he started thanking any diety that was listening for the chance of getting some time alone with the pretty witch.

"I want you...to die..." the witch whispered, her face switching to a sneer of arrogance. Daren froze, confused at her words. He opened his mouth to respond to her when she quickly darted in, kissing him. Instantly, her words forgotten, he kissed her back. The witch pulled away, and he let her, not wanting to rush her.

"Here some advice, Daren: Never let a spider kiss you" the witch said crypticlly, reminding Daren of her earlier words.

Pain exploded inside him, as he crumpled over, curling over his stomach as it seemed acid was eating at his insides. Weakly, he looked up at the witch, and watched amazed as she transformed into a woman with a skull-like face, having been thinned out after her tenure in Azkaban.

"Lestrange!" Daren choked out, as he felt himself starting to slip into blackness. It didn't make sense. How did she get into Azkaban when not two hours ago, he spoke to the pretty desk witch.

Two hours...Polyjuice! Lestrange must have killed her when he left the dek witch two hours ago. Out of morbid curiosity, his gaze travelled under the desk, and he saw the real pretty dek witch...whose lifeless eyes gazed back at his.

"I've always wanted to do that to you Hythanian. Next life, you should no better not to taunt a woman like myself" Bellatrix taunted viscously, savoring his last moments of life.

He slipped into death, heralded by apparition cracks and the cold, harsh laughter of Bellatrix Lestrange.

* * *

I believe I'm calling this story "The Rise of the Twilight Legion". It's appropriate, and pretty much sums up the story in six words.

 

I agree with most of what Element said, it's not cliche to have him buy the island after it's been razed from the ministry, I've never even seen it tbh.

Good ideas, and write what you think is good, don't change a buncha b/c someone said otherise in an offhanded comment

 

Spelling mistakes in bold
Very cool name of the story. I may have missed a few punctuation problems, and perhaps grammar, but I *think* I got the spelling mistakes.
Anyway, great chapter. I like the OC, I like the way Bellatrix killed him (reminded me of a Batman movie, actually ).
Looking forward to the next chapter, but make sure you run it through a spell-checker next time. It'll cut down on pretty much everything I hit.
Good work.
Sorry about the long quote admins/mods, I'll edit it out once Thestral has copied and pasted it somewhere else.

Also, what is your definition of long? I make this 933 words in Microsoft Word. It all depends. Sometimes, its better just to have a scene break rather than a new chapter. Perhaps, if you ever post this on FF.net, add the next few chapters into one large Chapter One. I guess it kinda depends on your writing and reading preferences.

 

Silly, Element! I said the first part of chapter one. I wasn't done writing it yet!

I am done with chapter one now though.

Watch the "Works By Author" Section

Hope you like it.[/b]

 

Oh, right! My mistake. I'd offer an excuse, but I don't have one .
I'll keep watching it, although I'm probably gonna get some sleep or watch some TV in a minute so you might have to wait til tommorow morning.

Have you copied and pasted the spelling mistakes I pointed out so I can remove the quote?

 

Actually, I just posted the first chapter, so yes, you can erase it now. Thank you for your help. Be warned that I might call on you again for help.

Hope you enjoy the first chapter.

 

No problem, and feel free to. I have enough free time to act as a sounding board for you to bounce ideas off, or at least, I think I do. The idea interests me, anyway.

I've read through the chapter, and its pretty sweet stuff, but I'm not sure I can give you the feedback you want right now. I'm half dead on my feet. I'll go see what I can pick up on, though.
Keep it up.

EDIT: Yawn . Right. I want you to do one thing for me - if you haven't already. Decide how powerful Harry is. Do this, and you automatically decide how powerful Voldemort is, as the prophecy labels them as equals. And it'd be a pretty anti-climatic final battle if the two weren't more or less equally powerful.

Its seems you have decided Harry will be pretty damned powerful, judging by Voldemort casting one spell and more or less destroying Azkaban. I guess its not too bad since it did take up pretty much all of his magical reserves - but I just think it may too powerful. What if the final battle is located at Hogwarts? Will Voldemort just run into Hogwarts, cast Tectar Crucio and run out again? I just think its too unrealistic. Then again, you are the judge of your own characters, and I don't mean to come across as a hater as I really did like the chapter.

Perhaps I've missed something, I'm having trouble keeping my eyelids open. I guess it did say it shook the foundations which would explain it collapsing, which would make it a less powerful spell.
I'll give you better feedback tommorow, k? I did like the chapter, despite how much it doesn't really seem like it.